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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27691426">Dancing with your ghost</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/twdsnsd18/pseuds/twdsnsd18'>twdsnsd18</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>TWICE (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Acceptance, F/F, Grief, Happy ending???, Learning to move on, Mourning, Pretty sad, Romance??, fulfilling, i wish i knew what i was doing, inspired by Anohana</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 02:33:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>50,729</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27691426</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/twdsnsd18/pseuds/twdsnsd18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"I thought I could just apologize tomorrow. But that tomorrow...never came." - Jinta Yadomi</p><p>Or, Jeongyeon shows up in Nayeon's life again to help her accept reality and realize she deserves the right to fight for happiness.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hirai Momo/Minatozaki Sana, Im Nayeon/Myoui Mina, Im Nayeon/Yoo Jeongyeon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>167</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. one</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>well. here we are again. another sad story i created during 2 am crackhead hours and rewatching anohana for the billionth time. i apologize in advance if tears occur. so. yeah.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nayeon overestimated her tolerance once again. On bad days, she never could handle her drinking well. But last night she felt that she could overcome two entire bottles of red wine and not feel a single effect the following morning.</p><p> </p><p>The toilet and her pounding head would beg to differ.</p><p> </p><p>“You’ve gotta let up on the alcohol.”</p><p> </p><p>Nayeon flinched in place. She didn’t say that. Or did she? No, she couldn’t have. It was nothing like her voice. It held an all too familiar jovialness to it. She weakly lifted her head.</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t you have work?”</p><p> </p><p>Maybe she was still immensely drunk. She could be very sleep deprived still. Or perhaps this was a dream. An illusion. It had to be. She must’ve simply gone insane because leaning against the door frame, a disappointed expression on her face was her first love, Yoo Jeongyeon.</p><p> </p><p>It was an apparition of somebody who claimed the entirety of her heart. A girl who owned a smile so beautiful that it easily made Nayeon feel as if she were floating up to the skies. </p><p> </p><p>And that was simply impossible. Because Jeongyeon stopped breathing the same air as her three years ago. She was a past that haunted Nayeon.</p><p> </p><p>She fathomed that she needed to lay off the alcohol.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you not going to work?” Jeongyeon asked as she followed her into the kitchen.</p><p> </p><p>Now that her stomach emptied all the toxicity, it yearned for sustenance. Nayeon rummaged through the fridge but closed it as there wasn’t much to work with. She searched through the cabinets and luckily found some crackers. It wasn’t a lot but it was enough.</p><p> </p><p>“You need to stock up on groceries.”</p><p> </p><p>Nayeon ignored Jeongyeon’s comment, munching two crackers at a time. Comfortably plopped on the couch, she switched the tv on. More for the sake of having any noise that wasn’t Jeongyeon’s voice. Her sanity couldn’t handle it.</p><p> </p><p>But trying to watch tv was ripped off the list as Jeongyeon propped herself in front. “Since when have you been this irresponsible?”</p><p> </p><p>She had hoped it was all just some sort of mirage and that Jeongyeon wasn’t standing right in front of her. But when Jeongyeon began shaking her shoulders Nayeon yelped and flew off the couch.</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t do that!”</p><p> </p><p>“You were ignoring me!”</p><p> </p><p>“Still!”</p><p> </p><p>“Why’re you yelling?!”</p><p> </p><p>“Because you scared me!”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh,” Jeongyeon made a face like she used to when she actually felt bad and sat on the couch. “My bad.”</p><p> </p><p>Nayeon sighed roughly. “I need to wake up.”</p><p> </p><p>“Uh, you are awake.”</p><p> </p><p>“No, no. I’m asleep. This is all a dream.”</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry to break it to you, but you’re not sleeping.”</p><p> </p><p>Nayeon hushed her, falling into a deep concentration. “Wake up. Wake up.” she chanted in a whisper.</p><p> </p><p>“If you get ready in the next five minutes and jog to the bus stop or call a taxi now, you’ll make it on time.” </p><p> </p><p>“And you know this how?”</p><p> </p><p>Jeongyeon thought for a couple of seconds but ended up shrugging. “I don’t know. I just do.”</p><p> </p><p>This whole situation was way too surreal. But it all seemed so real. Despite Jeongyeon being able to physically touch her did not deter any thoughts of this simply being a guilt-induced delusion.</p><p> </p><p>Because who else could create a figment of the girl who never left her mind for the past 3 years other than herself. This was a trick her mind was playing on her. A sick one.</p><p> </p><p>“I need to see a doctor or something.” Nayeon muttered after a few minutes of failing to wake up from this “dream”.</p><p> </p><p>“Why? Are you sick?” Jeongyeon became frantic, hovering her like a worried mother.</p><p> </p><p>Yeah, she was. In the head.</p><p> </p><p>Nayeon struggled to seal her lips in a straight line. Jeongyeon was always apprehensive of any slight thing. </p><p> </p><p>Especially when it came to Nayeon. Damn. Jeongyeon hadn’t changed at all. And it made Nayeon feel like a bitch for having left things the way she did the day before <em> it </em> happened.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m fine. Just a little under the weather.” More like extremely under it.</p><p> </p><p>“You need to take better care of yourself. Eat healthier meals, get more sleep, and drink way less.” Jeongyeon chided, giving her her head a good rub. Nayeon is hit with a flashback.</p><p> </p><p>Her insides began twisting. Life was certainly putting her to the test. </p><p> </p><p>She stood up, head still heavy. Sleep. She needed more sleep. Work could wait. Nayeon glanced at Jeongyeon one last time, wondering if the girl would be gone when she awoke. It’d be best if she did.</p><p> </p><p>Because Nayeon doesn’t think her heart would survive to see her once she awakened again.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em> “You need to take better care of yourself.” Nayeon whined and sealed her lips tight when Jeongyeon tried to force a spoonful of medicine through her mouth. “I told you many, many times that it was going to rain and to take an umbrella. But noooooo, you don’t like them.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Ugh, my head hurts.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “From your mindlessness I bet.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Did you just call me stupid?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Jeongyeon fixed the slipping cloth on her forehead. “Politely, of course.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “It’s unethical for a nurse to be rude to a patient.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “One: I’m your girlfriend, not caretaker. Two: you’re just an idiot who thought a hoodie would protect you from the rain even when your girlfriend told you to at least use a raincoat if you didn’t want an umbrella.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I stopped listening after one.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Jeongyeon looked on the verge of combusting a vein but in seconds deflated. “Please, drink the medicine and take a nap. I’ll make you soup for when you wake up.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Only because she felt bad for making Jeongyeon miss a whole day of lectures, Nayeon relented and swallowed the bitter cough syrup. “Can you at least cuddle with me until I fall asleep?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “If I get sick, I’m going to fight you.” Jeongyeon shuffled under the comforter and let Nayeon pull her arm around her. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “You won't but I’ll be your nurse if you do, don’t worry.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Underneath all the chastising, Nayeon knew Jeongyeon was only worried about her health and always fussed over the slightest of incidents. Always worrying about her. </em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“You’re going to be late.” A voice soft and tender entered her ear. Similar to the tune of a winter ballad.</p><p> </p><p>Nayeon wasn’t asleep but she kept her eyes closed. Not wanting to open them and see the girl who haunted her. Or maybe she was sleeping and hearing Jeongyeon’s voice was only a dream.</p><p> </p><p>“Nayeon, if you miss work again you’ll get another strike.” Right. She skipped yesterday and opted for more rest.</p><p> </p><p>She believed Jeongyeon was only a figment due to lack of sleep. Guess not.</p><p> </p><p>She resisted. Or tried to. The joggling of her shoulders K.O.-ed the resistance. With an annoyed huff, Nayeon found her feet. Blatantly ignoring Jeongyeon’s comment of <em> ‘The weather’s nice.’ </em>.</p><p> </p><p>“I made you breakfast already so hurry and wash up,” Jeongyeon added before going back to the living room.</p><p> </p><p>Nayeon washed her face, brushed her teeth, and applied makeup. She added an extra layer of concealer for the unlawful eyebags. Totally unappealing.</p><p> </p><p>Ready for the day, she headed straight to the door to slide on her sneakers. The delicious scent of food awoke a grumbling monster called the stomach. Her mouth watered but she couldn’t stay. Surely, if she did she’d lose her mind even more.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re not having breakfast?” Jeongyeon’s voice intercepted the opening of the door.</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t have time.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, you do.”</p><p> </p><p>“Maybe another time.” </p><p> </p><p>“I smell lies all over that.”</p><p> </p><p>Then without letting another second pass by, Nayeon left. Mind more distant than she anticipated. She would make it a goal to not let Jeongyeon’s words disturb her during work but she knew it’d be a lost cause.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>She couldn’t concentrate for the heck of it. Even if a million dollars were on the line Nayeon would still be zoned out of this universe. But you couldn’t really blame her.</p><p> </p><p>Yoo Jeongyeon had passed onto the other side years ago. She was a girl who’d become her best friend during high school and also the pinpoint of strong feelings a teenager couldn’t possibly understand. And when she did, of course, she acted upon them.</p><p> </p><p>Jeongyeon was, after all, her first love and Nayeon would be a madwoman for letting her slip away. Until she actually did.</p><p> </p><p>It’d be odd if Nayeon was all completely there. Checking herself into a psychiatric hospital even crossed her mind a few times. </p><p> </p><p>“Hey, you alright? You look even paler than usual.” Asked the older man who worked in the cubicle next to hers.</p><p> </p><p>Nayeon smiled sheepishly, touching the base of her neck. “I think I’m coming down with something.” Something as in pure mental disintegration.</p><p> </p><p>Eyes hovered over her for a moment. “You should probably ask for the rest of the day off.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m okay. I’m just gonna take a quick break.”</p><p> </p><p>Just when she left for the restroom her phone began ringing. Nayeon raised her brows at the contact name. Someone she had assumed would stop calling her after the many times Nayeon declined the call. She wondered herself why she still hasn't deleted or blocked her number.</p><p> </p><p>Park Jihyo.</p><p> </p><p>The woman was many things. She was loud, cheerful all the time, and was really freaking gorgeous. The woman also happened to be an old time friend. Having gone to high school together and becoming part of the same circle of friends. They were extremely close.</p><p> </p><p>But that was eons ago and Park Jihyo had become just another person she rarely saw or spoke with.</p><p> </p><p>Unlike the past times, Nayeon answered the call on the fifth ring only because her life wasn’t making any sense and perhaps talking to Jihyo after many years wouldn't be the worst. “Hello?”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Nayeon unnie?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p> </p><p><em> “Oh, good. You didn’t change your number.” </em> Jihyo exhaled heavily before continuing. <em> “How are you, unnie?” </em></p><p> </p><p>“I’m, uh, I’m good. And yourself?”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Doing good, too.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“That’s good.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Yeah, it is.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“Um, Jihyo, why’d you call?”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Oh, right! Do you think we could meet up later?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>The <em> ‘how are you’ </em> s and <em> ‘can we meet up’ </em>s were always questions left in her voicemail but hearing it live was a different deal. Nayeon didn’t know how to respond. “I...I don’t know.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Unnie, please.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>She was begging. And Jihyo never begged. She commanded and demanded.</p><p> </p><p>“Jihyo...I’m not sure.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “You finally answered my phone call, I’m not letting you escape this, unnie.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>The softness in her voice was a stark contrast to her bright tone. It did something to her. Nayeon sighed. “Alright.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I’ll text you the details. Bye, unnie and thank you.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Nayeon blew out a breath, wondering how she was going to face Jihyo after many years and without spilling about the ghost of somebody dear to them suddenly appearing in her life.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em> She’s lost count of how many times Jihyo has called her for the past week. The last call she remembered was number 38. And that was halfway through the week when she last cared about checking. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> The calls have been going right to voicemail. She’d listen to a few chosen randomly. Some were the calm collected questions of asking how she was, if she’s eaten, etc. Some consisted of Jihyo raising her voice to answer the phone because she was off the charts worried. Nayeon would listen to them all when she felt motivated enough.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> She’d answer or call Jihyo back eventually. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> But right now she wanted to sleep her pain away. </em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Jihyo asked to meet at a sandwich shop. Luckily it wasn’t too far of a walk. Nayeon used the fresh air and time to organize her thoughts.</p><p> </p><p>The shop wasn’t crowded. Only a few customers eating at the tables. Nayeon immediately spotted Jihyo at one of the booths. It was hard not to notice her because Jihyo always had this extravagant flair about her.</p><p> </p><p>She was spotted too once Jihyo raised her head at the jingling bells attached to the door. She stood up and opened her arms for a hug. There was no way to avoid it. So Nayeon let herself be squeezed to death for a couple of seconds.</p><p> </p><p>“Unnie, it’s been too long.”</p><p> </p><p>When they were in high school, Nayeon was the one always crushing Jihyo into random hugs with Jihyo trying to escape them acting as if she disliked it. It was odd to be hugged again. But Nayeon let herself sink into the familiar warmth of her friend.</p><p> </p><p>Nayeon broke the hug because she was afraid that if she stayed in it longer she’d have broken down. “Yeah, it has. You look even prettier than the last time I saw you.”</p><p> </p><p> Jihyo winced slightly. “It’s been a long time since you’ve seen me. I’m sure I've changed.”</p><p> </p><p>This wasn’t the time nor place to unpack all of that. Nayeon cleared her throat and avoided her gaze. “So why’d you wanna see me?”</p><p> </p><p>“Does there have to be a specific reason to want to see you?”</p><p> </p><p>“No, but you sounded urgent…”</p><p> </p><p>Then she noticed it. The dark tint of sadness in her eyes. </p><p> </p><p>“Every day for the past three years I’ve been wishing for this to happen. Of course, I was urgent when you finally picked up the phone.”</p><p> </p><p>Nayeon gulped. She started biting her thumbnail anxiously. “I’m sorry, I’ve just...I’ve been trying to get myself together.”</p><p> </p><p>“For three years?”</p><p> </p><p>It almost sounded like a jab at her but Nayeon wasn’t going to let bitterness invade this. She wasn’t going to blow up as she did all those years ago.</p><p> </p><p>“I needed time for myself.”</p><p> </p><p>Jihyo’s face overflows with disappointment. “That wasn’t a time to be alone. We all needed somebody and you weren’t an exception.”</p><p> </p><p>“But the person I needed was no longer alive.” Still saying it feels like a lie but Nayeon knows it’s the hardest truth ever.</p><p> </p><p>“The anniversary is nearing.”</p><p> </p><p>She didn’t need to be reminded. The date was tattooed into the forefront of her mind. During spring, there was a car accident. In approximately two months, that day would arrive.</p><p> </p><p>“I know.”</p><p> </p><p>“Are you gonna go by yourself again?”</p><p> </p><p>The thing with visiting the cemetery was that Nayeon never made it past the gates. She’d always freeze at the entrance and stay there till the day ended. She remembers sitting under a tree when it started pouring but she never budged. It was as if there was an impenetrable wall prohibiting her from moving further.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah...I don’t know...Maybe?” She shrugged, focusing on the napkin dispenser.</p><p> </p><p>“The girls and I go together and then we order her favorites and pig out at one of our places. I was thinking maybe this year you could join us?” </p><p> </p><p>The offer was tempting but Nayeon couldn’t find it in her to accept it. What type of person would she be having avoided her friends through all means necessary to only show up and be like <em> ‘surprise I’m here’ </em>? </p><p> </p><p>“I don’t think so.”</p><p> </p><p>It was as if Jihyo expected her answer because she simply nodded and smiled. “Just think about it, okay?”</p><p> </p><p>She would. Constantly. “I will.” It was the least she could give back.</p><p> </p><p>“Just so you know, it’s okay to talk about her. I miss her, too.”</p><p> </p><p>Nayeon knew it was okay. It was just difficult and painful. </p><p> </p><p>How does one talk about a person that made living so much better when they are no longer living? Especially after you left them hanging over a serious issue all because you didn't want to deal with it.</p><p> </p><p>“Let’s order.”</p><p> </p><p>They bit into their sandwiches in silence. It was strange to eat with another person when she’s been eating by herself for such a long time. </p><p> </p><p>“The others miss you.” is what Jihyo said.</p><p> </p><p>And Nayeon missed them. But she couldn’t show it because she was the one who pushed them away. “Hmm.”</p><p> </p><p>“Sana and Momo want to know if their gifts reached you.”</p><p> </p><p>Ah, the holiday and birthday gifts she’s received yearly. The first year Nayeon threw them in the trash. The second she donated them. It was the third year she decided to open them because how much longer could she keep putting it off. Even though they hadn’t spoken for years, Sana and Momo still knew what she liked.</p><p> </p><p>“Um, yeah, they did. Tell them thanks.”</p><p> </p><p>“Or you could.” That was a hard pass but Jihyo spoke again before she could. “Right, you’ll think about it.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p> </p><p>“Our youngest three also are curious about your wellbeing.”</p><p> </p><p>The constant messages were a big giveaway. Nayeon had wanted to change her number because she couldn't handle the concern and worry filled texts that Dahyun, Chaeyoung, and Tzuyu sent her. Some days they were only <em> ‘I miss you, unnie’ </em> and other days they were paragraphs detailing how their day or week went. </p><p> </p><p>Dahyun sent her memes, Charyoung sent pictures of her art, and Tzuyu sent cute dog photos.</p><p> </p><p>At first, Nayeon was annoyed because she didn’t want anything to do with any of them. But as time went by, she looked forward to their texts because sometimes they were what kept her going. But she turned off the read notification and never replied.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ve read all their messages.” Nayeon smiled distantly.</p><p> </p><p>Jihyo gave her a look. “You’ll think about responding, right?”</p><p> </p><p>Nayeon finished the last of her sandwich. “Yup.”</p><p> </p><p>There was one person Jihyo hadn't mentioned yet. It was useless to prepare for that because once the name rolled out, Nayeon would be defenseless.</p><p> </p><p>“Mina’s coming back, too.” said Jihyo, softly, avoiding eye contact. “Has she tried contacting you?”</p><p> </p><p>She coughed to avoid the question. Mina was a sore spot that ached once in a while. Another one of her regrets.</p><p> </p><p>“I didn’t know she left anywhere.” Nayeon finally answered. That was a complete lie. “And no, she hasn’t.”</p><p> </p><p>Nayeon knew that two years ago Mina had taken a plane back to Japan, leaving the apartment she shared with Sana and Momo behind. She never wanted to admit to herself that it was most likely her own fault that Mina left but to this day she knew it was.</p><p> </p><p>Since then she hasn’t heard of Mina or from her. She was the only one Nayeon had failed to push away then, as Mina proved to be stubborn and not an easy rock to budge (but even rocks weathered away). </p><p> </p><p>“Well, she’d originally planned to move back to Japan for a bit, homesickness she said but then her mother became ill,” Nayeon furrowed her brows, this was news to her. “But luckily, she’s better now. However, after that she decided to stay permanently in Japan. But she visits when she can.”</p><p> </p><p>She should’ve known that Mina would’ve ended up staying even if her mother hadn’t become unwell. When Nayeon thought about what happened between them, she always ended up drinking more than she could take. Sometimes she drowned in her sorrow more than when she thought about Jeongyeon.</p><p> </p><p>“That sucks.”</p><p> </p><p>Jihyo’s phone rang and she excused herself. Nayeon took this time to think about the offer. Surely Mina was going to be there and surely she would be the only one who didn’t want to see Nayeon. Maybe it was best to not think about it and forget about it.</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry, it was work.”</p><p> </p><p>“How’s that going for you, anyway?”</p><p> </p><p>Jihyo was now a well-known lyricist and composer. Having produced many popular hits for soloists and idol groups. “I always said I was gonna write music and now that I am, it’s not as fun as I thought.” she laughed.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re Park Jihyo, you manage.”</p><p> </p><p>“Lately I’ve hit a stump. I think it’s because of Jeongyeon’s anniversary. That call was just my bosses letting me know that my leave of absence was approved.”</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry to hear that.”</p><p> </p><p>Jihyo shrugged. “It’s fine, gives me more time to be with the ones I love and remember that I’m still alive.” Immediately after she's said that, she rapidly fired, “Wait, that sounded wrong and I didn’t mean--”</p><p> </p><p>Nayeon laid a hand on top of hers. “It’s okay, Jihyo, honestly. We have a short time in this world and it’s a good idea to remind ourselves that we are still breathing and spending our breaths with the people we love is what matters.”</p><p> </p><p>Gripping her hand tightly, Jihyo gave a small smile. “You’re right.”</p><p> </p><p>Right. That reminded her. “Do you believe in ghosts?” Nayeon asked with hesitance.</p><p> </p><p>Jihyo processed the question for a moment before responding with, “It depends. Why the sudden question?”</p><p> </p><p>“Would you believe me if I told you I saw one?”</p><p> </p><p>Nayeon didn’t know where she got the motive to ask these questions. The last thing she wanted was for Jihyo to look at her as some delusional freak who's been sheltered from socializing for too long.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, did you?”</p><p> </p><p>She interlocked her hands together to restrain the trembling that had begun. “...I’m not sure.”</p><p> </p><p>Because she still hadn't determined what Jeongyeon was. She was able to physically touch Jeongyeon but that didn’t mean she was an actual thing living outside of her head.</p><p> </p><p>“I’d believe you”</p><p> </p><p>“Really?”</p><p> </p><p>“I think we’re all a believer in the supernatural once in our life.”</p><p> </p><p>“But,”</p><p> </p><p>“But what?”</p><p> </p><p>There’d be no return after this. Nayeon had to tell somebody before her sanity crumbled. After counting to ten in her head she’d tell Jihyo that it was Jeongyeon’s ghost that she saw. Or she wanted to but instead forwent the idea and settled with, “Nevermind. I’ve been watching too many scary movies lately.”</p><p> </p><p>Nayeon couldn’t tell if Jihyo’s current blank expression was good or bad.</p><p> </p><p>Some minutes passed by. They were excruciating. Nayeon wanted to flee from the shop badly but something in the way Jihyo was taking her time made her stay. </p><p> </p><p>“You know how you get, unnie.” The silence is finally broken.</p><p> </p><p>Nayeon exhaled. “Yeah, I know.”</p><p> </p><p>For the rest of the time, Nayeon locked her dilemma away as she listened to Jihyo talk about what she’s missed for the past three years.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>She stood at her door. It was simple. Just put in the passcode then walk in. </p><p> </p><p>But she could hear rummaging inside. It was either a burglar or Jeongyeon. It’s not that she wanted to go through a home invasion but it being an actual live human inside her house would put her mind at ease in a weird way.</p><p> </p><p>Nayeon inhaled a deep breath and unlocked her door. The lights were on. She slipped into her slippers but noticed a familiar pair of shoes left in the shoe rack. They were Jeongyeon’s beat up vans.</p><p> </p><p>She took slow, measured steps to the kitchen. Her breath got caught in her throat when she spotted Jeongyeon bustling around the kitchen, occasionally stirring something in the pan and chopping vegetables.</p><p> </p><p>It was too real to not be true. It was like she was suddenly transported back into their first year of college when she and Jeongyeon thought the best idea was to move into together instead of living in the dorms. Jeongyeon was always cooking dinner by the time Nayeon had gotten home from her late classes.</p><p> </p><p>“What are you doing?” she rasped out.</p><p> </p><p>Jeongyeon looked up from the pan and raised an eyebrow in question. “Cooking, what’s it look like I’m doing?”</p><p> </p><p>“Stop it.”</p><p> </p><p>“As if. I’m starving and I know you are too.”</p><p> </p><p>Nayeon was on the brink of desperation and tears. “Please, stop.”</p><p> </p><p>Walking toward her with a questioning look, Jeongyeon cupped her cheeks, squishing them gently. Just like when she used to if Nayeon was having a rough day. “Are you not feeling well?”</p><p> </p><p>Weak at her knees, Nayeon does the only thing she can to keep herself steady. She threw her arms around Jeongyeon, fingers digging into the back of her shirt. “This can’t be real. You can’t be real.”</p><p> </p><p>Hands begin to comb through her hair. “I know this doesn’t make sense to you but I now know why I’m here. You’ve isolated yourself for too long, unnie.”</p><p> </p><p>Hearing Jeongyeon call her unnie is what caused her to completely let go of the tears. She’d only use it when they were alone because of how embarrassed and shy Jeongyeon became when she used it in front of others. But when it was just them two, she used it freely.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m here to help you make amends with everyone and with yourself.”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t deserve a second chance,” she croaked. “I don’t deserve happiness.”</p><p> </p><p>“Im Nayeon.” Jeongyeon held her at arm's length. “Say that again and I will punch you. Not everyone deserves happiness so easily, but everyone deserves the chance to fight for their happiness. And you deserve that chance. I didn’t die for you to die with me.”</p><p> </p><p>“But I did, Jeongyeon. A piece of me died when you did.”</p><p> </p><p>Jeongyeon gives her a sympathetic smile. “Like you said, only a piece. The rest of you is still alive. And if you work hard enough, the rest of you will make up for the piece you lost. You can’t ever get back what you lost but you can always gain more.”</p><p> </p><p>Her words ignited something in her. “But what if I’ve lost everything?”</p><p> </p><p>“Are you talking about the girls?”</p><p> </p><p>“I’ve been so cruel to them all.”</p><p> </p><p>“You finally met up with Jihyo today. That’s progress.”</p><p> </p><p>She only met up with her to have something ground her back to reality but seeing as she’s actually talking to Jeongyeon, being anchored was pointless. But the fact that Jeongyeon knew she did was beyond her. “How’d you know?”</p><p> </p><p>“I just do.” She gave a small shrug. “I know everything that involves you. It was sort of one of my purposes in my life.”</p><p> </p><p>“Only one of them?”</p><p> </p><p>“The other two; loving you and making sure you were happy.”</p><p> </p><p>And now she couldn’t fulfill them anymore. “I’m sorry.”</p><p> </p><p>“What for?”</p><p> </p><p>“I shouldn’t have ignored you, I shouldn’t have been so immature and walked away. If I would’ve just stayed and talked then you would still be...You would still--” Nayeon doesn’t finish as she dropped to her knees, letting her sobs run loose. </p><p> </p><p>It was all her fault. Ending up alone was her fault. Jeongyeon was no longer alive because of her.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em> Nayeon was beyond stressed after her last class. For the last 20 minutes of class, the professor had them work on an assignment in groups of 3 formed with peers around them. She had been forced to group with the residential class sleeper and wannabe know-it-all. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> She was ready to whack the sleeper awake and to smack the know-it-all upside the head with her all metal water bottle. But Nayeon refrained because violence was reserved for the real assholes of life. They’d somehow completed the assignment and Nayeon made a mental reminder to steer clear of them from then on. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> She kicked off her shoes roughly, not caring they landed messily. Jeongyeon would yell at her later for not being neat but right now she didn’t care. There was barely audible music coming from the kitchen and a flavorful scent of chicken overloaded her senses. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “What’s for dinner?” she said, walking into the kitchen, inhaling the scent deeper. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I was feeling Mexican, so I’m making fajitas.” Jeongyeon leaned toward her to land a quick peck. “How was class?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Nayeon groaned, munching angrily on the unused vegetables. “Don’t even get me started.”  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> At this, Jeongyeon pulled away from her cooking and her hands placed themselves upon Nayeon’s cheeks. “Stressed out?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Nayeon pouted, nodding. “Extremely.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Thumbs massaged her cheeks gently. “Whoever or whatever made you feel this way, forget about it, unnie. What will make you feel better?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> She puckered her lips. “Kisses.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “That's it?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “For now.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Jeongyeon rolled her eyes playfully but gave multiple chaste kisses. Until she pulled away abruptly to stir the chicken before it burned. Nayeon chuckled at her whines of their food almost burning.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Burnt dinner or not, it didn’t matter because she was feeling way better. </em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Nayeon didn’t know what happened next because the next thing she knew was that she’s waking up with a gasp in her bed. She must’ve passed out from emotional exhaustion. It wouldn’t be the first time she’s blacked out from fatigue.</p><p> </p><p>Her head was pounding. Almost as if it weighed a ton. Her throat was parched. Her body was sore all over. Overall, she was worn out.</p><p> </p><p>“What happened to me wasn’t your doing.” Sat on the edge of the bed was Jeongyeon, holding out a glass of water and aspirin. “Drink this and rest.”</p><p> </p><p>“Maybe not directly but the choices I made resulted in your choices which ultimately lead to...you know.”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re relentless.” She crawled up to the empty side, which was her side of the bed. Nayeon left it untouched because she would sometimes imagine that Jeongyeon still slept beside her. “But, it’s one of your qualities that I love most.”</p><p> </p><p>Nayeon had thought she ran out of tears to spare but a single one dropped when Jeongyeon wrapped herself around her. Just like when everything was good. </p><p> </p><p>“I’ll never stop loving you, Yoo Jeongyeon.”</p><p> </p><p>Perhaps she’ll never understand why Jeongyeon has appeared in her life once again. She figured seeing Jeongyeon was something like a guilt-induced illusion. Whatever was happening was something far beyond human comprehension.</p><p> </p><p>“It’ll get better soon, Nayeon.” is what she heard just before drifting off to sleep completely.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>They don’t speak of her break down from the other night. It never came up because Jeongyeon knew Nayeon would talk about it when she’s ready but Nayeon doesn’t think she’ll be ready anytime soon. Or ever.</p><p> </p><p>Her days that were once occupied by work and drowning her sorrows in alcohol started to be replaced with Jihyo almost every day. She hasn’t left her alone since they’ve reconciled. Nayeon still felt undeserving but she was always reminded that the past was in the past.</p><p> </p><p>But maybe that's where the problem lied. Nayeon just couldn’t find it in her to leave the past alone. Not when she’s reminded of it every morning she woke up, every night she came home from work, every time she saw Jeongyeon in all the places she used to be when she was alive.</p><p> </p><p>Nayeon refused to run away from the past but she’s also scared to face it head on. That’s still a battle she's working up to. For now, she’ll work on fixing the present. Like grovelling to her friends that she was relentless and hurtful to.</p><p> </p><p>Jihyo's forgiveness gave her hope. But she’s keeping her hopes to a low because not all of them could possibly be as forgiving. A certain face came to mind and Nayeon had to take a few moments to recollect herself before continuing her task at work.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em> Nayeon bit the inside of her cheek to keep her attention focused on something else other than that she's about ten seconds away from completely breaking down.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Her taste buds detected a metallic taste. She's bit her cheek to the point of blood. It was all for nothing because even as she tries to soothe the pain of her cheek, tears stream down her face.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> She hadn't wanted to cry because what right did she have to even be showing her face when she felt wholly responsible for the painstaking wound in their lives. She's the cause that there is now a hole in all these people's lives.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Nayeon has kept her head bowed lowly, unworthy of standing stall and showing face. Countless times did they tell her to chin up. They were awkward, useless words to use as a condolence for someone who has no qualms and lost all meaning in life just for the sake of saying something. Nayeon would prefer if they walked right past her, ignoring her.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Her parents had told her to take a rest as it's been days since she slept a wink (how could she when she closed her eyes all she saw was Jeongyeon). Even Jeongyeon’s family were doing their best to comfort her in spite of them going through even worse pain (Nayeon had tried to apologize to them in form of a traditional bow as she believed everything was her fault but they refused to let her drop to her knees and reassured her that nothing was her fault).  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Her friends had taken shifts in watching her despite themselves being in equal pain. They all lost someone precious to them.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Their pitiful stares, their words of useless hope, the coddling and worry. It should have made Nayeon seek the love and comfort from them yet...she ran from it.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> During the funeral procession, Nayeon kept silent, ignoring the words of her family, of Jeongyeons family, of her friends. She was too invested in staring at the picture of a smiling Jeongyeon surrounded by all kinds of flowers.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> It was a simple fact that humans are simply born to die. Death is obsessed over because that was the certain end mark for all. Yet, not everyone was able to accept it.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Nayeon couldn’t accept that Jeongyeon was gone.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Death is unpredictable but always warranted. It can occur at any second of the day. There is never a secure answer for why or when, it just is.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "Nayeon unnie..." and then there was Mina. "You should eat something."  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Nayeon shook her head weakly.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "At this rate you'll faint."  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Mina was only being thoughtful. Just like everyone else had been. Yet, Nayeon was tired of the tiptoeing and the babying.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "You think I care what happens to me now that--" She inhaled sharply. "Mina...leave me alone."  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "Im sorry, unnie but I can't."  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "Mina--"  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> "Everyone may have caved in easily and listened to you but I won't. I'm more stubborn than you take me for."  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Nayeon looked her square in the eyes, searching for any crack in what she believed was a front that Mina was putting up to appear undaunted. She could see her jaw was clenched, arms at her sides, hands curled tightly, shoulders squared.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> She wasn't kidding.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Nayeon huffed. "Suit yourself."  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> After the funeral, Mina insisted on following her home. Saying that she wanted to make sure she arrived safely but Nayeon knew it was because she wanted to make sure that Nayeon didn’t run off somewhere to get blackout drunk or into any bad situation. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> To drink until she couldn’t remember her own name sounded like a good idea but she was too exhausted to even move. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Nayeon?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> She dragged herself to the couch, flopping onto it and covering her eyes with an arm. “You can leave now.” she muttered, hoping Mina would go back on her previous statement. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I honestly don’t care what you think.” It was the least of her worries what Mina thought.   </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “You’re just acting this way because your emotions are all over the place.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Yeah no shit, Mina. My girlfriend is dead.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> She’s never spoken this harshly to her friends. Only to those deserving of it. So it surprised her that it came out easily.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I’ll cook something for you.” She heard Mina walk, presumably toward the kitchen. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Nayeon sat right up, a sudden burst of rage making an appearance.“Don’t. You touch anything in that kitchen and I’ll throw you out.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Why’re you being so rude?” It was visible on Mina’s face she was shocked and hurt. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Nayeon leered at her. “What, you don’t like it? This is who I am, Mina. It’s who I’ve always been.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “No, it’s not. The Nayeon I know is caring, kind, polite.” Her voice slightly quaked. Mina’s tell tale sign that she was beginning to get nervous. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> But none of that mattered to Nayeon at the moment. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Well, that Nayeon died along with Jeongyeon. All that’s left is this bitter, useless bitch.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Don’t say that.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “It’s true.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Don’t. Say. That.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “What’re you gonna do about it?” She was setting up a challenge. For Mina to even try and convince otherwise. It’d be a fail, of course, but why not see what Mina would try. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Mina took firm steps toward. Suddenly, Nayeon is crushed between two arms. A pair of arms she had rarely been held by before. A pair of arms that were nowhere near familiar to the ones that used to hold her every morning, every night, every day. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re feeling but Jeongyeon unnie was my friend too and if I can’t stand being alone then I know you can’t either. So as much fight you put up I’m not leaving you.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Yet, being held by these foreing arms didn't stop Nayeon from sinking into the warmth they provided. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “This was my fault.” she murmured, her emotions seeping through her voice. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “No, it wasn’t.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “If I had just stayed, if I had just agreed.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> If Nayeon had just done one thing differently, everything could have been avoided. But she didn’t and now Nayeon believed she has ruined every chance of feeling happy ever again. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Everything has its course to follow.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel...so empty.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Whatever you need, I’ll be here.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> So Mina continued hugging her. It was nowhere near enough to mend her wounds. Then again, Nayeon doesn’t think anything ever could heal her. </em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It was the weekend and Nayeon felt absolutely out of the element. It was still unbelievable that Jeongyeon was with her again. She wondered if anyone would believe this.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Can anyone else see you?” asked Nayeon as her eyes flitted all over Jeongyeon, who was strictly maintaining eye contact on the current drama on the TV.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hm, I don’t think so.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Can you leave the apartment?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t know, haven't tried.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I thought you knew everything.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That involves you, yes. I assume I can do everything but I don’t really have a need.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The nonchalance didn’t help. The fact that Jeongyeon seemed way too chill over this was so like her. Nayeon wondered if the woman was only keeping it cool for her sake. “C’mon, Jeong, I’m hopeless.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jeongeon turned the Tv off. “Then let’s test it out.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They make it outside, proving that she can leave. Next is to verify if others can see her. They opt for a quick trial by walking to the nearest convenience store. Nayeon refrained from any conversation, not wanting to appear crazy if nobody saw the woman beside her.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jeongyeon attempted to talk to those that passed by but all kept on with their march forward. Conclusion was that Naeyeon was unhinged. She had to be. If she was the only who can see, talk to, and touch a person who had died then she was ready to be tied up and tossed in a looney bin.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They went back home because there were work emails that needed Nayeon’s urgent reply. However as she was going through the emails, debating on which one to start with she stumbled across one that had her recoiling from the sender address. It was Jeongyeon’s dad. Her family had tried to keep in contact but Nayeon was too filled with guilt and blame that she couldn't face them.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Your dad sent me an email.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jeongyeon’s face showed her surprise. “My dad sends emails?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She clicked on it. Skimmed through it. It was an invitation to an early commemoration of Jeongyeon at their family-owned restaurant. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Aren’t you going to RSVP?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m busy that day.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You can’t get the day off for that?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Of course she could. It’s not that she didn’t want to. Showing up all of sudden after removing herself from their lives would be hypocritical of herself. She swore to keep to herself.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But Jeongyeon was equally persistent as her. “You don’t talk to my family, you rarely talk to your own, and you don’t talk to our friends. You can’t keep doing this, Nayeon.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s my life, I’ll do what I want with it.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Not anymore.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Before she could react, Jeongyeon snatched her laptop and ran away with it. She chased after her but being a spirit or whatever she was apparently made her move way faster. Standing outside the bathroom, Nayeon yelled, “You better not do what I think you’re gonna do!”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Too late!”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Jeongyeon, I’m serious!”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The door is opened and her laptop is handed back. “And so am I. You’re done being alone.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>On the screen is displayed a reply containing her RSVP. She had an urge to shout at Jeongyeon for doing that but it would get her nowhere. She might as well accept that Jeongyeon was here to change things.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Maybe it was time to put on her big girl pants and start doing some changes of her own.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Coming home from work, tired to the core, and thankful it was the start of the weekend, she’s shocked to find Jihyo lingering at her door.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What’re you doing here?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jihyo’s head snapped up. “Oh, finally you’re here. You hungry?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I haven’t eaten since lunch, so…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You do realize it’s 9 PM.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It was a busy day at work.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you comfortable with that?” she gestured to her suit.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Let me just switch out my shoes.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She input her passcode and slipped inside. She went for her Converse, not really caring if they mismatched her outfit. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh you’re home.” Jeongyeon popped into her perimeter. “Going somewhere?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh, yeah, I’m gonna grab something to eat.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll come with.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No!” She regretted her strong reaction. “I mean, it’s fine. I’ll be quick.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You do understand that I know you’re lying. And I also know that Jihyo is outside.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“She wants to have dinner together.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s a good idea,” Jeongyeon took her bag from her. “Have fun but don’t stay out too late, okay?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon debated on asking Jeongyeon to come with her. Simply for her to see Jihyo because she’s sure she missed their friend as well. Then again she wouldn't be able to focus on dinner if she was present. “I won’t be long.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She hadn’t asked where they were eating because Jihyo had mentioned it being a surprise. And a surprise it sure was when Nayeon took note of the familiar surroundings. It was the barbecue joint near their highschool, in which they all frequented often after tiring, rough days of class.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was their spot. Their place where they’d leave all their struggles and burdens at the door and allowed themselves to be as free as a teenager could be. The last time she ate here was a month before the incident.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why here?” she muttered, feeling her energy drain quickly.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“For old time’s sake.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I can’t, Jihyo.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, you can.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not going in.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A hand squeezed itself under her clenched one, nudging it open. “You can do this, unnie.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. Maybe she’d actually enjoy eating there again. Nayeon knew she needed to start somewhere. Enjoying some good ol’ grilled meat with her friend couldn’t be that terrible.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She counted to ten in her head and exhaled slowly. “Okay.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Soon they were sitting at the table they always did and Nayeon pinched her thigh to keep her focus maintained on the pain and not let it stray to the wall with all kinds of scribblings and drawings. But it didn’t work because her gaze fell upon it and she nearly bolted out of there. She would have if their food and drinks Jihyo ordered hadn’t arrived just in time. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you want to leave?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon glanced at her then back to the condensation forming on her cup. “No, it’s fine...I’m just reveling in the ambiance.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s the wall, isn’t it?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The scribble-covered wall that they all left their mark on. The wall that had the date of the first time they were all there. The wall that had different drawings that Chaeyoung did. The wall that had their initials in one big heart and right next to it a tiny heart filled with Nayeon and Jeongyeon’s name and the date of their first date in this place.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I still remember our first date so vividly.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“And I still remember my ear hurting from all the screaming you did over the phone after the date.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon chuckled. “I needed someone to vent to.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I thought you were dumb for thinking Jeongyeon wouldn’t want to go another one when </span>
  <em>
    <span>she </span>
  </em>
  <span> was the one who had asked you out.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Can you blame me? It was awkward as heck because we were both trying not to act like best friends hanging out and more like two girls on a date with the one they’re crazy about.” A few pieces of finely cooked meat are placed on her plate. She took her time savoring each one because its been way too long. “And don’t even get me started on how I ducked to “tie” my shoe when I thought she was going to kiss me.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jihyo tapped her chest a couple of times from having choked while laughing. “Oh my god, I forgot about that. The secondhand embarrassment I felt when Jeongyeon told me because she was going to kiss you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>That has her frozen. “Wait, what?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Did she not clarify that with you?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“She said she was going for a hug, not a kiss.” Nayeon clearly recalled how Jeongyeon had showed up at her house the next day for lunch and questioned why she had dodged her hug like that. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Guess she was too humiliated.” Jihyo placed the rest of the raw meat on the grill. “Not like she would ever admit it.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Now that she had the chance, Nayeon would complain to Jeongyeon about that later. And would possibly tease her about it because although she may have panicked about it at first, she wouldn't have minded if Jeongyeon had cleared the situation at the time and said she was aiming for a kiss. Not that their actual first kiss a week later wasn’t worth it. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They ate more and more until Jihyo’s phone chimed. “Um,” she started. “On a scale from one to ten, how pissed would you be if I invited other people?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Depends. How many and who?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Two,” Jihyo visibly gulped. “Momo and Sana.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She was claimed to be overly dramatic by many who knew her personally. Most of the time her theatrical actions were for the purpose of fun and whatnot but there were occasions in which her histrionic aura was appropriate. This was one of those times.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>With chopsticks slammed to the table, a standing so abrupt that her chair was nearly toppled over, and the putting on her jacket roughly was the thespian Im Nayeon that many heard of but rarely witnessed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you for the meal. No need to drive me back home, I’ll call a taxi. Have a good night.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jihyo grabbed her by the wrist. “Nayeon, please don’t do this.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Jihyo, let me go. I’m currently an 89 of pissed off on your scale from one to ten.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s a bit extreme, don’t you think?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Did you expect less?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“A hard 60 at least.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She couldn’t help the tiniest of chuckles that managed to escape. Jihyo knew her well still. “Give me three good reasons why I should stay.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“One: Sana, two: Momo, and three: it’s time to stop running away.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They were very good reasons. Nayeon huffed and sat back down. “I want alcohol then.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you.” Jihyo pushed the button to call the waitress. “But please try your hardest to play nice.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No promises.” She took a big sip of her soda as Jihyo gave her big puppy eyes. “Fine, I’ll be civil.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She wasn’t keeping time but what felt like twenty to thirty minutes, strolled in two women she used to pamper as if her life depended on it. Nayeon locked eyes with Sana first then Momo. She swore everything was happening in slow motion and it felt as if the walls of the restaurant were closing in on her.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Suddenly she felt three years younger and her heart ached as her mind recalled the last words she had spoken to them. </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘I don’t need either of you! Your presence only troubles and infuriates me!’</span>
  </em>
  <span> Nayeon was ruthless toward them. To all of her friends.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The shock on their faces eluded her to think that they hadn’t expected her. “You didn’t tell them, did you?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jihyo shook her head. “They wouldn’t have come.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t blame them.” She wouldn’t have either.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They're waved over by Jihyo and Nayeon examined their steps as cautious. They were either afraid to approach thinking she was going to attack them or they were giving themselves more time to think about what the hell was going to happen tonight.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon could only watch as her three friends gave their greetings in hugs. The atmosphere was so thick she could slice it. What should she do? Would a handshake be too proper? Would a hug be too much to handle? Perhaps a small finger wave would be enough?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She’s broken away from going through how to greet them when the sound of small whimpers entered her ears. Sana was crying as Jihyo and Momo tried to comfort her and the mother inside her kicked in. If this was before she’d finally answered Jihyo’s phone call, before Jeongyeon started showing up in her life, she would have ignored her friend crying and walked away.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But it was time to stop running away.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon let her body act on its own and pulled Sana and Momo into a hug, arms locking their heads against her shoulders. “I was stupid. I wasn’t in my right mind the last time we saw each other.” she exhaled a shuddery breath. She was close to crying herself. “Please, forgive me. I’m sorry for everything.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Whether other patrons were looking at them oddly if they were even paying any attention to them at all, it didn’t matter because Nayeon was trying to repair the friendships she foolishly ruined. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s Jihyo who has to pull them apart and make them sit down because it was a restaurant and they were starting to cause a scene. “I know it’s been forever, but there will be more opportunities to show affection.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Refusing to be separated, Sana pouted, squeezed Nayeon’s left arm tighter and accepted the piece of meat Nayeon was offering to her. “You can’t stop me.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>On her right side, equally affectionate, Momo agreed. “Yeah, we do what we want and if we don’t want to ever stop hugging Nayeon then you’ll have to live with it.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“If I had known you’d be this clingy--” she groaned when someone stomped on her foot. “Who the hell did that?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I did,” said Sana. “It’s the least you deserve.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon sighed. “Can’t fight you on that.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Where have you been this whole time?” wondered Momo. “Have you been well?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was better to be straightforward on how she’d been living her life rather than sugarcoating it to make it seem that she wasn’t an absolute mess for so long. “It’s been work and home for me. I haven’t done much, nothing exciting. As for how I’ve been, well, to be honest I feel like a piece of crap on bad days and I feel nothing on the rare good days.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry we weren’t there,” began Sana. “but we’re here now, and we’ll do everything we can so you won’t feel that way anymore.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Easier said than done she believed. However, she wouldn’t stop their efforts. She did once and that got her feeling like the evilest of evils. “You have nothing to apologize for. I’m the one who didn’t let you stay. But just seeing and talking to you girls is already making me feel better.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>An odd feeling settled in her chest. A sense of relief flooded through her veins.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Should we get drunk?” suggested Jihyo which came as a surprise because she would always be the levelheaded and occasionally the sober one to make sure everyone else didn’t lose their heads while intoxicated. “We can go back to my place, I recently restocked my alcohol cabinet.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon raised her brows in surprise. “You have a whole cabinet dedicated to alcohol?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Mostly wine.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Classy.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Expensive too.” she stood up, wallet in hand. “I’ll pay for this one but it’s on one of you next time.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon and the two clingy koalas decided to wait outside as Jihyo paid. She’d checked her phone and whistled at how almost three hours flew by. The crisp air did well to her warming cheeks. She was too caught up in her head that she nearly missed the tiny argument occurring between her friends.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Again? You said last week you were done.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She was uncertain what Sana started pestering Momo about until her eyes caught a wisp of smoke. “Since when do you smoke?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The cigarette between her fingers was unfitting. Momo was the girl who squealed happily when her favorite lunch was being served, whined when she needed to do homework and study for exams, and danced passionately as if her life depended on it. She was anything but a smoker.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“A year ago, if my memory is correct.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh,” was all she could say. Who was she to judge when hours ago she wasn’t even in her life to know this.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You promised, Momo.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Sana was irritated, that's for sure and she rarely was, especially when it came to Momo. Besides her and Jeongyeon, Sana and Momo were also friends turned lovers after high school. Momo was too dense to realize that the overwhelming affection Sana supplied her withheld a deeper meaning beyond friendship and Sana was too comfortable giving the ardent affection to push for more.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was ultimately Nayeon who had practically shoved them together because as she was a participant in the act of being in love it bothered her to no end to see her friends waltz around each for too long.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, I know, I’m sorry. But you know it isn’t easy for me either.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon had never been witness to an argument between them. She didn’t know if she had any place to get involved but if she didn’t try who knew what would happen. “Girls, let’s not fight. Tonight is a time to celebrate, remember?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>If they wanted to ignore her, it was fine. Much to her fortune, Momo dropped the cigarette and grinded it to smithereens. “You’re right. This cancer stick isn’t worth it.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She’d succeeded in calming the tension just before Jihyo came out. Nayeon mentally applauded herself for diffusing the situation, despite being out of practice. As they walked to Jihyo’s car, she glanced back at the couple, checking on them and safe to say all was well when she saw Momo handing Sana the cigarette carton then placing a kiss on her cheek.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Everything was okay. They were okay. Nayeon knew then and there she couldn’t push these girls away again. She would make damn sure it all stayed okay.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It was the third year she’d be spending her birthday alone. No girlfriend, no friends, no family. Solely by herself she would be on the day she was born. Her family had offered to come by and either have a home cooked dinner or go out but Nayeon would rather be alone and not deal with them trying to cheer her up when she clearly didn’t want to be cheered up. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She’d gotten the day off and planned to order something to eat. There were also four bottles of soju in her fridge that she’d been waiting to drink. Her day would go as usual; get out of bed, brush teeth, shower, have some toast, watch movies and dramas the majority of the day, ignore the texts from people wishing her a happy birthday, order whatever she was craving, get drunk, then knock out.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>In the middle of  some random movie she was watching her doorbell rang and she reluctantly stood up to open the door. She was expecting this to happen. A delivery man with two boxes at his feet and a clipboard with something for her to sign. She took them to her room and resumed her usual routine for the day.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It was later in the night, three bottles of soju in her system, that she decided to change it up. The boxes contained the usual birthday present from Sana and Momo. The previous years she’d always get one big box of gifts for special occasions like holidays and her birthdays. It was odd that each box was sent from them separately and not together. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>This was the first time it was like this. It was also the first time she’d actually open them.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She opened Sana’s first. A perfume that smelled like lavender. Two pairs of fuzzy socks. A bunny pillow. And a birthday card. The gifts were just her taste. She opted out of reading the card, not mentally ready for whatever was in it.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Momo’s present equally suited her. A bucket hat. A t-shirt with her favorite anime on it. An expensive looking bottle of Sake. Just like Sana’s, there was also a birthday card that she wouldn’t read either.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon became curious of what the other presents from the first one as she never bothered opening it and threw it away and donated the second one. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It could’ve been the alcohol. It could’ve been that she was tired of the same old routine. It could’ve been that she missed spending her birthday with people. Whatever it was that made her open the gifts, Nayeon hoped that the next year, and the year after and so on they wouldn’t stop sending them because if they did then she’d know there wouldn’t be any chance left of reconnecting.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>As it so happened, Jihyo’s alcohol cabinet would need replenishing once again. They didn’t give themselves a limit and with Jihyo’s persistence that they should all let loose, they drank until the wee hours. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon found herself in a familiar position. Hunched over a toilet, head feeling like it was slammed against a brick wall, and muscles stiff and dehydrated. “I’ve got to stop drinking so much,” she muttered among herself.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She forced her legs to carry her to the kitchen as she was in dire need of hydration. Jihyo’s place was just as fancy and classy as her wines. A major upgrade from the studio apartment she had last visited Jihyo in. Two rooms, a custom built in studio, living room bigger than Nayeon’s entire meager apartment, and a kitchen equipped with possibly everything a kitchen could have. Not to mention the two bathrooms that were extremely laish, even with Nayeon’s vomit being possibly all over the toilet seat in one.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The kitchen was her destination, but Momo’s presence at the balcony (yeah, there was a freaking balcony) had her changing trajectory. Disappointedly, the clouds of smoke made it obvious why she was out there even though she was deathly afraid of heights.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I thought you were gonna stop,” said Nayeon, making her presence known.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Momo didn’t even flinch. Much unlike the Momo she knew who would screamed bloody murder for frightening her. “Easier said than done.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“So you lied to Sana?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I compromised. For her. For you. For all of us.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Do it for you.” Nayeon watched the end of the cigarette glow as Momo inhaled another puff. Something overcame her to ask, “Mind if I try?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>To that Momo flummoxed. “I thought you hated smoking.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Back then yeah. Now, I really don’t care as long as you’re not puffing smoke in my face. So can I try?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Instead of lighting a new one, Momo handed hers over. “Go for it. Just know you’re probably gonna go into a coughing fit.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon sucked in a big puff, held it for a few seconds, then released it into the world. Both of them were stuped at how easily she took it. “Guess I’ve got a knack for this, maybe I should start.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No, you shouldn’t.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Then why did you?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I…don’t remember. I was curious probably.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I know that it’s been years, but I’ll never forget when you’re lying.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Momo chuckled softly. “You caught me.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Then?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Sana and I...were going through a rough patch. I applied for a choreographer position at a famous dance academy in Japan. When the news of them offering it to me reached me, I was ecstatic. Sana not so much. She was still proud of me and glad that I was happy. I would need to move back to Japan and I wanted Sana to come with me. She said her life was once in Japan but it was now here in Korea, that she couldn’t drop everything she built here.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was obvious where the ordeal was leading. Nayeon had once been in that spot. She understood what it felt like for somebody you held dear to you to want to leave.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Did you not take it?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I did actually. I was against it but Sana wouldn’t let me pass up a chance like that. I didn’t want to but Sana thought it was for the best that we break up and resort to being friends again. As if Japan was that far to start with but I couldn’t force her to stay in a relationship with me. Absolute hell was what it was when I moved there. The job was great, I was back in my home country, I even had Mina but all I really wanted was Sana.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The mention of Mina made Nayeon stiffen. She hoped her rigidness would pass her by and she wouldn't be questioned about it. Thankfully, Momo kept on disclosing her tortuous break up.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“So, one night my coworkers and I were hanging out and one of them took a smoke break. I was curious and tagged along. We were dancers, healthy as horses, but yet he still smoked knowing the detrimental effect it would have on his lungs. I asked for one, he refused, then I continued pestering till he caved. The taste was disgusting but I realized that people don’t smoke for the taste, they do it for the nicotine and burning sensation that weirdly relaxes you. From then on, I started smoking. However, I quit the job and came back to my old one here of teaching dance and Sana and I reunited.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It could become an award winning screenplay. Her friends truly lived the cinematic love story of breaking up but ultimately coming back together because they didn’t know how else to live without the other. That was the type of love Nayeon felt for Jeongyeon. Except in her cinematic love story, death whisked away her other half.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I bet Sana was pissed when she found out you started smoking.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Bouts of laughter escaped Momo. “Oh, she was livid. </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘Your lungs are going to rot and dry up and then how else are you going to maintain your oxygen levels when we have sex.’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>was what she yelled at me.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Sounds just like her.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I really am going to quit. This was a goodbye cigarette.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m glad. Smoking doesn’t suit you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Smoking doesn’t suit anyone. It’s merely a method of unwinding. At least I didn’t take hardcore drugs like crack.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon nodded nonchalantly. “Very true.” she tilted her head up to look at the evening sky. She’d slept through almost the whole day and was sure Jihyo was still cocooned in her bed but she was unsure of when Momo had woken up or if she had slept all and if Sana was the same or not. “Is Sana still asleep?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“She woke up like an hour ago. Said she was craving ramen and Jihyo only has organic crap here. She went to the nearest convenience store which happens to be at least a twenty minute walk.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Being able to afford a prestigious place like this, it was evident that it was a bit isolated from the public's eyes. The closest location to the apartment building was a playground across from it. The swings looked inviting.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m gonna head outside. Clear my head and all that stuff.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hold on, I need you to be my witness for this.” Nayeon quirked a brow and waited. Then her eyes caught a packet of cigarettes being tossed over the balcony. “That’s me quitting for real this time.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Momo often thought with her heart, her feelings. Even for the logical parts of life. Nayeon sighed, massaging her temples. “You do realize you could have thrown it in a trash bin again instead of chucking it like a lunatic.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I do now.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll get it, don’t worry.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>One foot out, she's stopped by Momo’s voice. “Nayeon unnie,”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m really happy that you’re back and thank you for listening and not judging. I’m sure it came as a surprise to you to find out your innocent Momo became a smoker.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Shock of the year for me.” she returned the grin Momo had. “But don’t worry, everything is okay now or at least I’m going to make it be.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>First task on exiting the building was to find the packet of cigarettes and throw them in the trash like a good Samaritan would. However, what she doesn’t expect was for Sana to coincidentally come back from her trip to the store.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t tell me you smoke too.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon flinched, almost losing her footing. “You scared the shit out of me!”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why do you have cigarettes?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I happened to find them on the ground and was going to throw them away.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Sana stepped closer to examine them. Her expression turned grim. “This is the exact brand that Momo gets.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Got.” she corrected because as soon as they went cascading down to the ground Momo declared she was quitting. “I caught her smoking again, confronted her cordially, we talked, she told me about the past shitty year you both went through, she raised a white flag, threw them over the balcony because that was somehow the best idea, and I wanted to use the swings so I told her I would pick them up, throw them away, bomb them, incinerate them, and you just happened to catch me doing it. The end.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I should be pissed at her.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I tried it. I give it a 1 out of 10 only for it making me feel like a badass.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re ridiculous.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Momo wants to quit but she needs your support not your scolding.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon expected Sana to glare and tell her to mind her business because who was she to talk about support. However, Sana frowned, her expression mirroring a sad puppy. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>With a heavy sigh, Sana took her hand and began leading them to the playground, “I know that but I can’t help feeling disappointed that she would turn to that when she could have indulged unhealthy amounts of junk food like I did.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They settled on the swings that were too small for them. Sana offered chips she took out from the plastic bag full of other processed goodies. Nayeon accepted them and savored the salty crunchy snack.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry you had to break up.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“We wouldn’t have if I’d gone with her.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon knew the feeling all too well.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You did what you believed was the right thing.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Sana lightly kicked at the dirt, her gaze set downward. “I broke her heart, Nayeon. I love Momo tremendously but I’m also selfish because there were parts of me that didn’t want to give up what I had established here to go with her.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re only human.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“And so is Momo.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Self interest is innate. We all want to preserve what is best for ourselves even if it costs us hurting the ones we love most.” Nayeon knew this well. Being selfish had become a part of her character after accepting the unconditional care from a certain someone, even if she was completely undeserving of it all.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But now, she wanted to fix that. She wanted to become the kindhearted, altruistic Im Nayeon all her friends knew. The Im Nayeon she was when she fell in love with Jeongyeon. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe so, but I still feel guilty for her quitting. It was a window of opportunity for her to flourish remarkably.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“From my perspective, Momo didn’t look regretful. It was pristinely clear that you’re worth more to her than that job.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Finally, a smile appeared. “She’s worth everything to me. Momo is my person, I only want what's best for her.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“And to Momo you’re what's best for her.” she reassured.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you,” said Sana, giving Nayeon a look that was full of warmth.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What for?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“For assuring me and for letting us back in your life.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon should be thanking them for allowing her to try and make up for all the unnecessary wrong doing she had committed toward them. “You don’t understand how grateful I am that you’ve let </span>
  <em>
    <span>me </span>
  </em>
  <span>back in your life.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I could never expel you from my life, Nayeonie. You’re one of my sisters, I’ll never stop loving you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It wasn't going to be easy at all but she wanted to try and become deserving again of that love from all of them.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>With hugs that popped all the bones in her torso and promises to hang out again, all of them, Nayeon set off to her home in which she had left Jeongyeon waiting in. She’d wonder if getting a phone for Jeongyeon would be a good idea, for times like this in which she wouldn’t be coming home but then it wouldn’t matter because Jeongyeon was some sort of spiritual thingy that would most likely know where she was.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The lights are turned off and it’s too quiet. Jeongyeon was always either watching TV or cooking something up around this time. “I’m home!” she called out in hopes for a response. An </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘in the room’</span>
  </em>
  <span> met her ears.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chilling on the bed, glasses perched on her nose, and her personal recipe journal in hand was the sight that greeted. At first the familiar sight warmed her heart entirely but it came crashing down that although this once had been a reality it wasn't any longer. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Did you snoop through my things?” Nayeon let herself drop onto the bed, humming at the comfort of her own mattress. Jihyo’s expensive taste in mattresses was nice but nothing beat the way her body had a natural bond with her own bed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“If I remember correctly, this journal is mine, but yes, I did. I was tired of watching TV so I thought I’d look around and came across this.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You happen to come across it?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yup.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon knew that Jeongyeon didn’t just conveniently find it because she had specifically packed away all of her things in the closet. Which reminded her. “Sana and Momo had broken up last year.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jeongyeon put down her journal, drawing her full attention to her. “What, why?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Because Momo got an amazing job offer in Japan and wanted Sana to go with her but Sana declined because she couldn't give up the life she established here. They broke up, Momo was broken, she quit, came back, and pretty sure they had lots of make up sex.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Well...that was a quick wrap up.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh and Momo started smoking but she officially quit today.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jeongyeon’s jaw slackened, her eyebrows furrowed. It was a lot of new information but there was no time to be subtle about the update. “How did you process all of this because I’m struggling?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She stretched before getting up to get her pajamas. She reeked of alcohol and vomit and her body craved a hot, steaming shower. “I’m still processing it. But, uh, quick question.” Nose back in the recipe journal, Jeongyeon hummed. “Do you think Sana was wrong for being selfish and choosing to stay here?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She was curious about what Jeongyeon thought. As the closeted romantic she was, Nayeon was sure Jeongyeon would agree and declare that if Sana truly loved Momo she should have given anything up to be with her, even if it meant sacrificing what was good for her. Moreso, she wanted to know for personal reasons.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hm...not necessarily. If you think about it, it might’ve been worse if she had gone with Momo. I know they love each other but if Sana had given up what she had here she could’ve grown resentment toward Momo. Perhaps, they would’ve argued more which may have ended in a ruinous break up that would’ve resulted in them not getting back together.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon let her words run through her mind. Sana having resentment toward Momo just didn’t seem to fit well together. It was nearly impossible to imagine such bitterness festering in Sana. Then again, she never imagined it for herself but yet it happened.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I guess you have a point.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Anything else?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There were two questions on the tip of her tongue. It was only one of them she had the strength to let out. “What if that happened to us?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And this is when Nayeon may finally get some bits of closure. Her shower was forgotten as Jeongyeon motioned her to join her back on the bed. Would she finally be able to talk about what she hadn’t been able to for years?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I know it’s similar to our situation and I regret having put you in that position too but I was going to give up that apprenticeship anyway because it would be meaningless knowing you would be hurting from my absence. You mean too much to me.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And yet, she was in an endless pain either way caused by her absence that was eternal.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I should’ve just agreed to join you.” She took a deep breath, already feeling an onslaught of emotions coming. “If I had just accepted to go with you we wouldn’t have fought, I wouldn’t have gone to Jihyo’s for the night, you wouldn’t have gotten into the cab early in the morning, you wouldn’t have--” she couldn’t even finish as her throat felt too closed up.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It may not be what you want to hear but everything happens the way it does. Every action, choice, outcome, it’s all pre-designed. You made your decision because deep inside you knew it was the one you had to make.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Of course, she believed it in that stuff. Jeongyeon has always been an enthusiast of fate. Nayeon had once too. She held a strong belief that it was fate that she and Jeongyeon were to become best friends before becoming lovers. But once fate took her way she despised it tremendously.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon laid back into the bed, curled into a fetal position faced away from Jeongyeon, and covered her face with her palms. She wanted to block everything out. It was all overwhelming. Too surreal that she was actually talking to her dead girlfriend about her death and the regret she had over her decision to stay behind.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She felt Jeongyeon shuffle around until an arm curled around her. The last time they shared a physical touch Nayeon had craved it, wanted it. But she couldn’t handle it at the moment. She haphazardly threw Jeongyeon’s arm off her, not caring if it was rude. Her voice shook when she said, “Please, don’t touch me right now. I feel like I’ll explode if you do.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay, I won’t but do you need anything? Water maybe?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I want to be alone.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Is that a good--”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Jeongyeon, leave me alone. Please.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She was glad that Jeongyeon didn’t push further and respected her decision. She heard footsteps, the door open then close. Now that she was finally alone, Nayeon let the tears silently flow. She didn’t want to cry in front of Jeongyeon anymore, knowing she would only be comforted. But she believed she wasn’t worthy of the caresses and consoling from the woman whose death she blamed herself for.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon wanted nothing more then to fall face first into bed and sleep the rest of the day away. As it was nearing the end her last year, her brain was overwhelmed with studying and an incessant amount of assignments and essays. She would be graduating soon and all her hard work would begin to pay off. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Right now, she didn't want the slightest thought of anything school related in her mind as she entered the apartment. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Sprawled on the couch, eyes droned on her phone despite the TV being on, was Jeongyeon in her PJs. She was sure Jeongyeon heard her enter but she still took the time to gaze lovingly at her before announcing her arrival. Their blossoming love story still fascinated her. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Best friend turned lovers. Something in the movies and shows. Something that everyone looked at and cringed. Something that was so fulfilling and sweet. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Im home," she said, approaching the couch. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Jeongyeon sat up, pocketing her phone. "Hungry?" </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon shook her head. She dropped carefully onto the couch and immediately sought the comfort of Jeongyeon’s arms. "Im tired." Her relaxed state produced a yawn. "How was your day?" </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Recently, Jeongyeon had quit her part time job at a restaurant. It was surprising to Nayeon because she recalled Jeongyeon having been extremely desperate to work in that specific restaurant but if it was what Jeongyeon wanted to do she would support her. Now, she had more free time, aside from classes. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Oftentimes, Jeongyeon would spend her free time holed up in the apartment. Either working on a recipe or lounging around, waiting up for Nayeon. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Boring as usual. I already memorized and perfected the recipes for my classes." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"So you've been lazing on the couch all day." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Jeongyeon hummed softly. "There wasn't much to do." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Should I get you another lego set?" </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Nah, its fine. You hate those things anyway." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"But you dont." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Want to head to bed already?" </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon did. She wanted to sleep already but in this position, her head comfortably placed on Jeongyeon’s shoulder with her arm wrapped around her, fingers brushing up and down in a gentle manner along her arm, she had no strength to pull away. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Let's stay like this a bit longer."</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Alright," Jeongyeon whispered, but then added, "There's something I want to talk about with you." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Right now?" </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Whenever Jeongyeon wanted to talk, whether it was a serious or pliant matter, she never hesitated to listen intently. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"If you're really tired, it can wait." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Let's talk in the morning? Over some delicious Yoo Jeongyeon breakfast?" </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Jeongyeon narrowed her eyes playfully. "Are you saying you want me for breakfast?" </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"I wasn't, but...if you're offering." She peered up at her, fluttered her lashes flirtatiously. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>A finger firmly prodded her forehead. "Get your head out of the gutter." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"So that's a yes? You'll cook breakfast?" </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Jeongyeon stared down into her eyes. Chocolate brown orbs that Nayeon has gotten lost in plenty of times. They were even more gorgeous when the sunlight hit them. The way they'd glisten an almost caramel color. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Anything for you." Jeongyeon leaned down slightly and placed a kiss on her forehead. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>When morning came, Nayeon had woken up to the smell of bacon. It was as if she glided to the kitchen. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Morning," Jeongyeon greeted, her attention on the sizzling bacon in the pan. "Have a seat. This is almost done." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>On their table was a beautiful set up. A fruit platter with sliced strawberries and apples, a bundle of green grapes. Another plate holding slices of rolled omelette which was Nayeon’s favorite. And neatly stacked pancakes in the center of it all. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon took her seat and poured herself some milk. She didn't know where to start. Everything was calling her name. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>A small plate interrupted her line of vision as Jeongyeon set it down. "Alright, dig in." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>The bacon was the first thing she grabbed. It wasn't too crunchy nor too soft. Just in the middle. She grabbed a bit of everything on her plate and started eating. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She made noise of contentment in which she was sure to inflate Jeongyeon’s ego. But Jeongyeon always made good food. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Halfway through their breakfast, Nayeon remembered their conversation from the night before. "What was it you wanted to talk about?" </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>This is when she noticed that Jeongyeon had barely touched the food she served herself. Which was weird. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Oh. Right. Um,” Jeongyeon poked at the grapes on her plate, rolled them around. "Remember I told you that a professor of mine was offering the top scorer in his class the chance of an apprenticeship in France?" </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon shuffled through her memories of Jeongyeon mentioning it. It was fuzzy but she did recall Jeongyeon trying out French recipes lately. "Sort of? Care to remind me?" </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"So, our professor studied the culture of the food in France and became well connected. Since we’re a graduating class, the student with the highest grade gets the opportunity to complete an apprenticeship in France with one of his friends that's apparently a renowned chef over there. So...basically..." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon isn't too sure if she ate too much but her stomach began feeling upset. "Are you saying that..." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Jeongyeom nodded lightly. "I got it." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s not that she wasn't proud because Jeongyeon achieving something this big was so wonderful. But Nayeon felt her heart drop. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"How...long?" </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Two years." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Two years without Yoo Jeongyeon beside her? Two whole years of miles and miles of land between them? </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon wasn't ever fond of the idea of long distance relationships. She never understood how they worked or if they did at all. In her view, one of the core features of a relationship is to be with that person, to be in reach of them, to know they’re not too far from you. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Then again, the semantics of love and relationships were differently constructed for everyone. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Say something?" Jeongyeon’s tone was full of worry. Her expression was full of concern. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Her brain demanded her to support Jeongyeon and urge her to take the opportunity as it would be the beginnings of many paths for her career. Her heart begged her to not let her go and keep her here. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Does it matter what I say?" </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Of course it does. I'm in a relationship with you, I want to hear what you have to say." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Another core feature of a relationship: communication. It needed to be a two way thing where opinions and thoughts were interchanged in order to reach an understanding if possible. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>But Nayeon struggled a bit with communicating her feelings. Not the ones of love or adoration but the ones of insecurity, fear of loneliness. When it came to Jeongyeon, Nayeon could give a thousand ways to describe how much she meant to her and how much she loved her. In fact, she could talk about everyone dear to her and the reasons she loved them all. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It was talking about not wanting to be alone. About opening up about her insecurity in the relationship. Not whether Jeongyeon would break up with her or find someone else when she was away but rather Nayeon being the one ending their relationship, being the one not holding on, the one who underestimated her ability to persevere.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"If it’s what you want then you should do it." There. A simple answer for a not so simple situation. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Thats it? Thats all you're gonna say?" </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>The morning started off so nicely. The food that had amazed her tastebuds was now churning in her stomach. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"What more is there to say? This is a good chance for you." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"I can't believe you right now." The disappointment in Jeongyeon’s voice didn't slip past her ears. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"What, Jeongyeon? You wanted my thoughts and that was it." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"So then what will happen to us if I go?" </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon didn't even want to think about it. "Whatever that needs to." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Then I'm not going." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Jeongyeon-" </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>A fist slammed on the table. "No. I refuse to go if it means we have to break up. I'm not going to end our relationship over something like this." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She knew that Jeongyeon wasn't pointing fingers but to Nayeon it sounded as if she was blaming her. "I never said we were breaking up." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"You didn't need to." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon rolled her eyes and rose from her chair. "Just do the damn apprenticeship. I don't want you blaming me later on for not having done it." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Do you even care?" </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She stopped and turned around. "I care so much about you that I'm willing to sacrifice anything for you." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"But I don't want you to sacrifice your own happiness for my own." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Yet, it was the same thing that Jeongyeon was willing to do as well. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"What else can I do then?" </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Tell me to stay." She said, soft and sincere. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It'd be selfish of Nayeon to do such a thing. Then again, it’s not as if the thought never crossed her mind. She couldn't though. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Blocking Jeongyeon from achieving something this big would eat away at her. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon inhaled deeply, straightening her stance. "I want to. But that's the last thing I’ll do." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It needed to be believable. Jeongyeon needed to believe her words. She needed to accept that Nayeon wouldn't hold her back. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Then go with me." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon froze. Her going to France was never anything she had in her plans. Then again, neither was Jeongyeon going to France. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Go with you? I can't just--it’s not that simple, Jeongyeon." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Yes, it is...you want me to go but I don't want to leave you...so you come with me." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon sighed. "I...what am I going to do there?" </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Jeongyeon sauntered toward, capturing her face between her hands, "Does it even matter as long as we're together?" </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>If Nayeon was carefree and didn't give a single damn about anything, it didn't matter what she did as long as she had Jeongyeon. However, she wasn't reckless. Just a wishful thinker. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>With a sad smile, Nayeon said, "I can't leave everything here...we're not kids that can just do whatever they want." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Defeated, Jeongyeon gave a discouraged smile that pierced Nayeon's heart. "So I guess that's that." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon pulled away from Jeongyeon’s hold. She was afraid that if she stayed in this space she'd say or do something regrettable. "I'm going to Jihyo’s for tonight--to clear my head and all. Why don't we talk about this another time?" </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She headed to the bedroom to pack an overnight bag. Footsteps followed hers. Clearly, Jeongyeon wouldn't let her escape. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"We still need to talk about this, Nayeon." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She grabbed what she needed for the night, trying her best to ignore Jeongyeon but it proved difficult as Jeongyeon was on her tail all around the room. She turned around abruptly. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"What more is there to say? You'll go and do that apprenticeship and Ill stay here doing what I need to do. I won't let you pass this up because...because I don't want you to end up hating me as I was the reason of your regret." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Jeongyeon floundered for words. She appeared at a loss. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon finished tidying up her bag and paused at the bedroom door, glancing over at Jeongyeon’s frozen figure. "I love you, Jeongyeon, so much but I can't...I just can't let you turn this down. Even if it means we can't be together, even if it'll hurt me that you'll be far, but it’s only two years." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Leaving sure shows how much you love me." It’s usually Nayeon being the snarky one but every once in a while Jeongyeon would administer it. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She could say the same words back to her but Nayeon wasn't petty enough to do so. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"I'm leaving because I don't want to argue." She pointedly declared. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Yeah, sure, whatever." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon really didn't want them to fight. If there was one thing she learned from a psychology class she had taken was that when she was feeling iffy or upset then it was better to let the other person know their emotional state and offer to talk later when cooled off. But Jeongyeon wanted to face things as they were, no matter if it ended with hurt feelings or regretful yelling. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"You're being so childish. This is why we can't talk things out because you want the answers to everything in an instant when I need time to mull these things over." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Our relationship is at stake, Nayeon! Of course, I want us to talk at this instant." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"We won't get anywhere with us both mad!" </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon could tell by how Jeongyeon’s shoulder sagged slightly that she understood well enough to not continue. It’s also through the lack of a response and the sound of dishes clinking and running water that Jeongyeon has decided to leave the conversation at this point: unresolved. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>With a single look at Jeongyeon as she scrubbed the dishes with a frown, Nayeon almost ended up staying. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>However, she doesn't as she was too afraid to face what could be the potential end of her relationship. She would do anything to prevent it if it could not be avoided. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>So she sighed and left the apartment, hoping this bump in their road smoothed out. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Then one morning it all fell apart. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The bumps in their roads were never fixed. Only becoming more cracked and jagged.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Since then, nothings ever been the same. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>All Nayeon wanted was to go back in time. To that one moment, where she could have done something different, where she should've stayed, where she would've done everything in her power to not let anything fall to pieces.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But time is linear. It moved forward. Never stopping, never rewinding.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Just straight on.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Yet, Nayeon remained stuck on a day of the past that, in all the ways, persisted to feel the same every day.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She remembered waking up to voicemails and dozens of texts. Only a single one caught her attention. From Jeongyeon. She pressed play and listened to Jeongyeon's soft voice, reassuring her that she’ll always choose her no matter what.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She learned it word for word, having listened to it almost every moment of the day for the past years.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hi...good morning...um...yesterday was...something. I just want you to know that I understand where you’re coming from. You don’t want to impede me from reaching my dreams and I shouldn’t force you to pick between staying and going with me...I get it...but unnie...my old grumpy sweet adorable unnie, love of my life, I choose you. Well, actually it’s not a matter of choosing because I'm already wired to having you no matter what. I want to be with you, grow old with you, annoy you, laugh and cry with you...I don't want to risk all of that by leaving, even if only for a certain time...so I'm not going anywhere...well right now I'm going to Jihyo's place to bring you breakfast...but yeah...i’ll see you in a bit...all right, well, I love you...don't forget you’re my number one…”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The last words Jeongyeon left her.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Then, through Jihyo who'd been waiting for her to wake up, crumpled tissues in her hand and red eyes, she was told about the car accident that had taken Jeongyeon’s life.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon's initial reaction was disbelief. She just couldn't comprehend it. She needed more proof. So, she asked Jihyo to drive her to the Yoo family home. Throughout the car ride she didn't touch her phone, didn't listen to the rest of the voicemails, didn't read the texts, didn't answer the calls from everyone.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But, when they arrived and Nayeon entered the Yoo residence on her own, the wails and cries of a family entered her ears. And she knew for certain that everything had changed. Nothing would ever be the same. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>After losing the love of her life, the most reasonable thing Nayeon should've done was allow herself to be comforted and embraced by the people who care for her. She did the exact opposite. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She pushed everyone away. She couldn't stand the sight of any of them. And the worst thing was she didn’t understand why either.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Something in her snapped and forced her to do what she did. To become distorted and act like she was the only one who was hurting and that nobody would understand. When in reality, they were all in pain and mourning the loss of one of the best persons in their life.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The thing is though, Jeongyeon was--still happened to be--the best thing that's ever happened to her for as long as she could remember. And when that one thing that made everything in her life amazing was no longer, Nayeon became empty. She became lost. Confused. Scared all the time.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Her thoughts consumed her on a daily basis. Eating her up was the guilt. The guilt of feeling that it was all her fault that Jeongyeon was no longer walking the Earth with them. That every ounce of misery and pain that Jeongyeon’s family, their friends, and everyone who was associated in Jeongyeon’s life went through was all because of her.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon has never grieved before Jeongyeon. It was all new to her. An experience that she couldn’t believe was real and so exhausting. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon had started seeing a therapist a few months after Jeongyeoin’s passing. It wasn’t her doing actually. It was Mina who had suggested it and basically forced her to go. Poor, poor Mina that ended up getting wound up in the webs of Nayeon’s mess.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>One of things that engraved into her brain were the five stages of grief that her therapist had explained.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Denial: </b>
  <span>Nayeon couldn’t believe the news when it reached her. She thought everyone was on some kind of drug and playing a cruel joke on her. Then when she had rushed to the Yoo’s family home, they were just as any family would be after finding out their beloved youngest member passed away. Devastated and heartbroken. She remembered Jeongyeon’s mother reaching out to her, her arms intent on hugging her but Nayeon ran away. She ran and ran. When she’d gone back to their--her--apartment, her entire body caved and she sat listlessly at the front door. Shock and numb at the same time. Confused and in disbelief. Pure denial that her dear Jeongyeon was gone. And when her friends tried comforting her, despite being in the same state of devastation, Nayeon avoided and fled.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Anger: </b>
  <span>She was never the type to mindlessly despise people. Hating for no apparent reason. But at the sight of Sana and Momo together, in love, she exploded. She was mad that they still had each other and she no longer had anyone. She was mad at Jihyo for trying to tell her everything was okay because nothing was and never would be. She never once raised her voice at their youngest three but when Dahyun, Chaeyoung, and Tzuyu wouldn’t take no for an answer and leave her alone she couldn’t help but yell and shout that they were merely disturbances. And then Mina. Nayeon was irritated by her the most because she absolutely refused to leave her side and it became suffocating. Nayeon was mad at the universe, at her friends, at everything but most of all she was angry at herself for becoming so ruthless and coldhearted.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Bargaining: </b>
  <span>This was the time when Nayeon struggled immensely to find meaning to even continue on. To have something to look forward to because by then everything turned grey, dull, bland, gloomy. She was desperate to get her life back on track and she even dragged Mina down in order for her to go up. Mina was her step stool that she used over and over. Nayeon would say she’d do one thing so long as Mina did this other thing. In the end, Nayeon only ended up ruining herself more and Mina as well.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Depression: </b>
  <span>She woke up numb. Went to work numb. Could barely remember to eat a meal. Her showers were scolding hot to just feel something. On her days off all she did was sleep the entire day. She truly blocked everyone out. She didn’t want to be around anyone, didn’t want to talk to anyone, and felt hopeless every second of the day. She was at the lowest point and just when she didn’t think she’d drop further, Mina, the only one that’d been by her side, ups and leaves too. And just like that, Nayeon was alone.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Acceptance: </b>
  <span>Now, this was something that Nayeon has yet to reach. To learn. Accepting the reality of the one you lost is never coming back just didn’t sit right. She couldn’t do it because the moment she accepted it, Nayeon believed it would be as if she stopped caring about Jeongyeon's death. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>With Jeongyeon in her life again, in whatever form she was, Nayeon doesn't think she could ever accept the reality. Afraid that once she does, Jeongyeon will really be gone this time.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s gotten easier to wake up next to the body that’d been missing for some years. Whenever Nayeon opened her eyes, just like before, Jeongyeon’s serene face greeted her. Before it all, she’d attack Jeongyeon with morning kisses ignoring her groggy complaint of morning breath. But now all Nayeon wanted to do is watch her as she slept. To just keep her eyes on her for as long as she could.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re being creepy,” Jeongyeon murmured, startling Nayeon.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>After her slight anxiety attack from the other night, Jeongyeon had been wary to join her in the bed again but with Nayeon’s assurance that it was completely fine, she fell back into routine.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s not fair.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What isn’t?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeron traced a finger down the slope of Jeongyeon’s nose. Still finding it surreal to feel her skin again. “Your skin is amazing while mine is dry and rough.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s the stress.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not stressed.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jeongyeon finally opened her eyes, glaring at Nayeon. “Sure you aren't.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Whatever,” Nayeon huffed. “You’re the one who’s giving it to me.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You should stop drinking so much and eat healthier. Oh, and maybe you should pick up your skin care routine again.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When Jeongyeon passed, Nayeon's life was flipped upside down. Everything she used to like, used to do, no longer had any importance. She’d stopped working out, she’d stopped eating her continental breakfasts, she’d stop caring about her appearance.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn’t ask to be lectured.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s only a suggestion.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon rolled her eyes and sat up. It’s Saturday morning and for the first time in a while, she didn’t want to sleep in. “We should do something.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Like?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She shrugged, heading to the bathroom to freshen up. “Anything. Doesn’t matter.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon looked at all her unopened skin products that she’d bought on a whim the other day. Even without Jeongyeon mentioning it, she was already thinking about getting back to her daily routine. She decided to open her face wash and start again. After patting her face dry, she applied the rest of her stuff and by the finish of it, she felt so much more rejuvenated.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Wanna build a lego set?” she asked, knowing how much Jeongyeon loved--loves--them.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Really?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why do I feel like it’s a trap?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You hated those things. You’d always get mad at me for paying more attention to my legos than to you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon blushed, distinctly remembering all the times she’s whined and pouted at Jeongyeon for focusing on inanimate objects when she, a live, hot woman, was there to be played with instead. “I didn’t hate them. It was just annoying that you ignored me.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I had offered you plenty of times to join me but you always declined.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She walked over to her closet and dug into a big container that had a bunch of useless junk. She found the sealed package and brought it out. “I have this one.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Where’d you get that?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>This is what Nayeon had hoped Jeongyeon didn't ask because she doesn’t have a good excuse to use instead of revealing the real reason. So she tells the truth. “Well, Mina and I were supposed to build this together once upon a time ago. She’d bought it but...we had a fall out and yeah.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jeongyeon is silent. Only giving her a look that Nayeon doesn't know how to decode. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon cleared her throat. “So, do you wanna build it or not?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“...yeah, sure. Let’s do it.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They don’t even reach the halfway mark due to Nayeon’s complaints of it being too hard and too exhausting. This ensued a situation of Jeongyeon building it by herself and Nayeon only watching. It felt like old times. But instead of a heaviness settling in her heart, she felt...light. To be able to watch Jeongyeon in her element again was nice.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The way Nayeon was feeling, however, frightened her a bit. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But she doesn’t have any time to think about that when Jeongyeon asked, “What did happen with you and Mina?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Everything that shouldn’t have happened was the only correct answer. But telling Jeongyeon all about it was not ideal. “The same thing that happened with everyone. I pushed her away.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Lies.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Mina was the only one Nayeon tried to push away but failed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“The same reason I pushed everyone away...they didn’t understand.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Truth. Nobody understood the exact pain Nayeon dealt with. She knew they tried to but they never would. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, you already reached out to Jihyo, Sana, and Momo.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Meeting up with Jihyo was all because Nayeon felt she was going insane with Jeongyeon’s sudden appearance she’d wanted to tell her but couldn’t. Reuniting with Momo and Sana was all Jihyo going behind her back and forcing her to see them, although it turned out well. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I struggled terribly.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Just reach out to them.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“To who?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Mina, Dahyun, Chaeyoung, and Tzuyu.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She didn't even want to think about Mina. As for their youngest, she’d yet to do anything about that.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“They miss you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Their maknaes missing her she knew definitely. The messages they left her every year was proof. Mina, however, she was sure never wanted to see her face ever again.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I know…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re so close, unnie.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>That leaves her confused. What is she close to? “I’ll think about it.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But as they got ready for bed, Nayeon reread all the messages that have been sent to her over the years. She then replied to each of them: </span>
  <em>
    <span>Come over tomorrow</span>
  </em>
  <span>. It’s simple and right to the point.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chaeyoung replied first: </span>
  <em>
    <span>UNNIE I WILL BE THERE</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tzuyu’s text came next: </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’ll take fried chicken</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And lastly, Dahyun’s: </span>
  <em>
    <span>And after five million years the unwarranted silence is broken </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The messages were relieving. Although she had a feeling that they would respond no matter what, reading their responses put her at ease. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I texted our youngest, they’re coming tomorrow.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That means I should head out.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon put her phone away, watching Jeongyeon crawl into bed. “What, why?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Me being here while they are will definitely make you more nervous than you should be.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Where will you go?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Probably visit my family. I miss my dogs.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh...okay.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jeongyeon heaved out a sigh once she settled in bed. “I’m gonna test out if it’s true that animals can see supernatural beings.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon chuckled lightly. “Of course, you would.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Throughout the night, Nayeon struggled to sleep but rather than it being because of nightmares and endless intrusive thoughts, it’s because she was brimming with excitement. Not even Jeongyeon throwing an arm over her waist and pulling her against her was enough to calm her and that’s saying something.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Baby steps. Very itty bitty baby steps.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She dragged her feet to the door as the doorbell continuously rang. As they forewarned in their texts, Dahyun, Tzuyu, and Chaeyoung were at her door, waiting to either be let in or to drag her out. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She opened it to a sliver, enough for her head to stick out. “What do you want?” she asked immediately, leaving them stunned.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“We wanted to check on you,” said Chaeyoung.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon looked down at their hands and saw each of them had a grocery bag. “As you can see I’m completely fine.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Tzuyu put on a smile. “Can we come in? We brought groceries for you.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I don’t need them.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Are you sure? You look like you haven't eaten. We’ll cook something for you.” offered Dahyun.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Generosity was always their best quality. They were younger than her but never did they not show affection and appreciation for her. Always treating her well.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon sighed and stepped out, shutting the door behind her. She crossed her arms, wanting to show her firmness. “I don't need your pity. As a matter of fact, I don’t even want you to check up on me.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Unnie…”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I don’t need you three or anyone to take care of me. So, I’d appreciate it if you stopped.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Her words were hurting them. She saw how Tzuyu's lip trembled, Chaeyoung’s fists clenched tightly at her sides, and the dent between Dahyun’s eyebrows. They were confused, hurt, probably trying to make sense of where they had gone wrong.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“We understand you’re going through a rough time, unnie, but we didn’t mean any harm by this.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And Nayeon knew this. All her friends only wanted to be there for her but Nayeon could not bear it. She didn’t want to be pampered, treated differently, or catered to. All she wanted was to be left alone (although one of their friends didn’t seem to get that still).</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Just leave. Leave me alone. Don’t come here anymore. And don’t worry, you’re not the only ones I\ve told this to. All of you...just move on with your lives and let me be.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Then, leaving them there without a chance to speak, Nayeon went back inside. She leaned against the door, trying to stop herself from crying. It didn’t work as the tears flowed anyway. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon believed that they’d cut her off as well. It was expected. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Yet, some weeks after that encounter, began the onslaught of messages. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Tzuyu would send countless messages, asking how she was, if she ate, stuck in a few puppy videos in there probably assuming that Nayeon would enjoy them. Then Dahyun had started sending some of her own. Some memes and jokes. Just as she expected, Chaeyoung joined and sent random art, quotes, and song lyrics.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>They were making an effort to communicate with her for some strange reason that Nayeon had no idea of. It was their way of reaching out and letting her know that they weren’t going anywhere she assumed even after she had specifically stated to them to leave her alone and let her be.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Being the unnie, she was naturally supposed to be the mature and bigger person. The one to protect them, comfort them, offer them words of wisdom. But Nayeon couldn't find that person in her anymore. She wasn’t herself anymore. And if her friends couldn’t accept that she wasn't the same, there wasn’t any point in keeping them around.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Still, as much as Nayeon tried convincing herself that she didn't need anyone, those messages were like a small, but shining light on the darkest days.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A note was left on her nightstand. Written on it was Jeongyeon informing her she’ll be back later at night. When she checked the time, she got up hastily and rushed into the shower after stripping off all her clothing. It was already close to one in the afternoon. The trio would be arriving at two.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She showered quickly, dressed into her nicest casual clothing, and headed into the living room to start cleaning. However, she’s met with a spotless living space. This was Jeongyeon’s doing. It was as if every fiber and bone in that woman was made to clean until everything shined.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Guess she should check for drinks and snacks. Opening the fridge she is even more stunned. Fully stocked. The cabinets are just as packed. Jeongyeon really went over the top for this. She must’ve ordered groceries online and for them to be dropped off.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The doorbell rang and Nayeon’s gut twisted. It was time.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When she opened the door, Nayeon was pounced immediately. How she doesn’t fall on her ass is beyond her.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Unnie! I missed you!” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I know--”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Never do this again!”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I know--”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I could punch you but I’d rather hug you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon gave up on trying to say anything and let them squeeze the breath out of her. She swore she heard a few joints pop. When the hugging fest ended, Nayeon led them to the living room. They easily made themselves home. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>With one eye closed, Chaeyoung finger framed the empty walls. “Could use some decorating that's all.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t have much time for that.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t worry, unnie. I’ll help you one of these days.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She smiled. “That’d be nice.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Dahyun looked around, nodding pensively. “No offense, unnie, but why is this place so clean? It’s unlike you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon feigned offense. “I do clean for your information.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Did you forget how we used to walk in your room with your bras and panties scattered everywhere?” added in Tzuyu, smirking.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I can’t believe I’m being attacked like this.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, we’re sorr--” Dahyun started to say but Nayeon cut her off.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s just like old times.” She gave them a small smile.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, it is.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tzuyu plopped the two chicken boxes she’d been carrying onto the coffee table. “Let’s eat.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll get the drinks.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon smiled to herself as she grabbed some sodas and beers from the fridge. It really is just like old times whenever they’d come over to bother her and Jeongyeon on the weekend. The only sad part being that Jeongyeon was missing but it was probably for the best. If Jeongyeon was here, Nayeon would be on edge the whole time.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She set the drinks down and sat on the floor, joining them. “So, fill me in on everything.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They tell her about their own college lives. What they chose to study. Their sleepless nights that resulted from studying heavily and procrastinating all kinds of assignments. The dates they’ve been on. The new people they’ve met. The part time jobs they all got to help pay rent for the apartment the three of them chose to share instead of staying in the dorms. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It showed on their faces that they were happy and content with where they were in life. She knew the feeling. The serotonin and dopamine that Nayeon lacked for the past years.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Then it hit Nayeon like a bag of bricks. She treasured these girls and truly hoped that they’d always continued to smile like this for the rest of their lives. “I love you all.” she said, interrupting Dahyun’s ramble about some story from her job.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They became still. All three looked at her. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon continued with, “I’m so sorry for everything. I should have never pushed you girls away when you were only trying to comfort me. I just...I felt suffocated and guilty and--”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chaeyoung scooted next to her, wrapping her in a hug. “It’s okay, unnie.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“We understand completely.” Dahyun wrapped around her on the other side, pressing a gentle kiss on her hair.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tzuyu joined, hugging from behind Nayeon. “We’re together now. That’s what matters.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Still. You deserve a better unnie who will look out for you, be a shoulder to lean on, provide you with advice when you’re doubting about something. All I did was destroy everything.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You always have been that unnie. You still are.” said Dahyun.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chaeyoung nodded. “Remember the self doubt I was having about entering the art competition in highschool? Well, if it wasn't for you, encouraging me to enter, I wouldn’t have won that recognition that helped me get into the art program.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You always took us out to eat and even gave us allowances like a parent would.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>As they continue to embrace her, talking about all the moments Nayeon was an amazing unnie, it lifted her spirits a bit. Not tremendously because Nayeon can't help but think of Jeongyeon who was by her side as she did all of that.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Jeongyeon unnie’s death broke us all but we know,” Dahyun’s voice trembled. “It wrecked you the most. No matter what you did, we messaged you as often as we did to show you that we love you and will be there waiting for you whenever you were ready.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s all it took for Nayeon to break down in tears. They never gave up on her. It’s more than Nayeon could have ever asked for.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you, girls, from the bottom of my heart.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon filled them in on her reconnection with Jihyo, Momo, and Sana and suggested they all meet up together soon. Of course, Mina is brought up and she’s only glad they don’t sense the awkwardness her body filled with.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nobody knew of her past situation with Mina and Nayeon really hoped it would stay that way but as everyone knew, sooner or later the truth will come out. It’s only a matter of Nayeon being prepared to face the consequences of it all.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>After some time, they ran out of drinks. Out of the four of them, only Nayeon and Chaeyoung were capable enough to head down to the convenience store and buy more. Tzuyu wasn’t super drunk but she said if she stood she’d definitely tip over. As for Dahyun, she was sprawled out on the floor, cheeks blaring red, either asleep or praying.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m so happy, unnie,” confessed Chaeyoung, eyes nearly closed from her wide smile.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon chuckled. “You’re drunk.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Drunk from happiness.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“And still cringey.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I speak for all of us when I say that you were extremely missed, unnie.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The sun has casted an orange glow. There was a slight breeze but the warmth of the sun balanced it out. “Why though?” she asked, more for the reason her mouth let everything slip out quicker when she drank. “Nothing about me should've been missed. I was terrible.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Take that back.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I can’t.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chaeyoung tugged on her arm, stopping her from walking. “I won’t let you talk down on yourself like that, Nayeon unnie.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They’re nice kids; Chaeyoung, Dahyun, and Tzuyu. Still bright and young. With big dreams and tons of motivation. They’re smart though. So they should already know why Nayeon found it unbelievable they forgave her. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“How can I not, Chaeyoung?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re a kindhearted soul.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon chuckled pitifully. “It doesn’t feel like it.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Feelings about yourself can change.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Some days the only feelings I have about myself is hatred. On the good days, I don’t feel anything at all.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Maybe it wasn’t the best idea to reveal this to Chaeyoung who’d surely tell Dahyun and Tzuyu, who’d then run it by the rest of their friends. Nayeon doesn’t want any of them to know how terrible she felt about herself.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chaeyoung glared, her fists clenched at her sides. “Don’t say that.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t like it either, Chaeng but I can’t help it. It’s how things are.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You know, I want to punch you for talking badly about yourself but your my unnie so I wont.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe you should hit me. Knock some sense into me.” It sounded like she was egging her on and perhaps she was. Nayeon thought they all had a right to hurt her, physically, mentally, or emotionally, since she hurt them after all.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re drunk so I’m going to ignore everything you said.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chaeyoung interlocked their arms and they continued their walk to the store. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nothing is spoken about it. Chaeyoung simply said they took a long time because she was dizzy and needed to walk slowly. Tzuyu and Dahyun’s blood alcohol content was too high for them to care. Nayeon, on the other hand, continued to think about how Chaeyoung looked, furiated and hurt, from Nayeon’s negative self talk.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon suggested they sleep over as it was easier and she didn’t want to worry about them making it home safely. This proved to be an issue when Jeongyeon came back from visiting her family. Not sure why because it’s not as if Jeongyeon was visible but it still made Nayeon anxious.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>In the middle of throwing a blanket over Dahyun that remained on the floor asleep, not praying, Jeongyeon waltzed into the living room and froze. “They’re staying?!” she whispered harshly.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>On the couches, Tzuyu and Chaeyoung were knocked out. Nayeon double checked they were sleeping then responded with, “Why are you whispering? They can’t hear you, only me.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, right.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon gestured for Jeongyeon to follow her into the bedroom. “We drank alot and I didn’t want them leaving in that condition. So, they’re spending the night.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span> “Good idea.” Jeongyeon stretched, yawning. “Gosh, I’m so tired.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“How are you tired? You’re--” Dead. “Let’s get ready for bed then.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You don’t have to tiptoe around me. I know I’m dead. Or, well, that doesn’t seem the right term. I’m not necessarily dead since I can eat and feel tired but I’m not technically alive either since nobody but you can see me. I wonder what I am.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon changed into her pajamas, not caring that Jeongyeon was looking at her. Not the first time. “You’re weird, that's what.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“So are you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I know,” she got under the covers. “But you’re the weirder one.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jeongyeon turned the lights off and slid right next to her. “My dogs could see me. It was weird.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Guess animals can see the supernatural.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Jeoingyeon sighed. “My parents have gotten older. So have my sisters.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s what happens.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I wonder if I’d look older too.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon turned on her side, eyes outlining Jeongyeon's side profile. “You’d look the same. I only look worse because as we discussed before, the stress wears you out.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jeongyeon copied Nayeon’s position. “You’re so beautiful, unnie.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s moments like these that made Nayeon fall completely head over heels for Jeongyeon. When they were only friends, Jeongyeon would be disgusted whenever Nayeon asked and begged for compliments. She struggled to even call her cute which Nayeon believed was barely a compliment. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Then, just a little before they started dating, Jeongyeon would say either her hair or clothes were pretty every now and then. When they’d meet up on the weekends it was </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘Oh, your hair looks pretty today.’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>or </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘Pretty blouse, unnie.’</span>
  </em>
  <span>. It transformed into Jeongyeon saying </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘Your nails are pretty.’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>and </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘That necklace is pretty.’</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The one compliment that took Nayeon by complete surprise was Jeongyeon telling her </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘Unnie, that lip gloss makes your lips look really pretty.’</span>
  </em>
  <span> It had her screaming into the phone with Jihyo on the other end of the line.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But it was after they began dating that Jeongyeon changed up her compliments. </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘You’re so beautiful, unnie.’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>and </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘How are you so gorgeous?’</span>
  </em>
  <span> were her main ones. They were overused but never failed to make Nayeon a blushing mess that was deeply in love.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know if I’m going to be able to let you go again.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“When that day comes, you’ll be stronger than ever.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon didn't want to be strong. She didn’t want to let Jeongyeon go. She wanted her to stay forever. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I hope so.” Is what she chose to say because it’s what she knew Jeongyeon wanted to hear.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re so close, Nayeon. Don’t give up now.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Close to what, Jeongyeon? What am I supposed to be reaching for?” All Nayeon wanted was already in front of her.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s not clear right now but soon it will be.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A vague answer for a vague question. Such a Jeongyeon thing to do. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay...I trust you.” As she always has.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Whatever it was she was getting close to, if Jeongyeon vouched for it, then Nayeon shouldn’t have any worries. After all, Jeongyeon has only ever wanted the best for her.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: Slight mention of suicidal thoughts.</p>
<p>There will be * at the part that mentions it</p>
<p>(If anyone is uncomfortable with this or you believe it is inappropriate please let me know so I can edit it)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She often thought about what her life would be like if Jeongyeon were still alive. It's unhealthy, her therapist said, to constantly think about the shoulda, woulda, coulda but she can't help it. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Her brain is constantly stuck in the past. On the day before it happened. Trying to go back and recalibrate the events. Wanting to change even just the littlest of things. Like something she should have said, something she could have done, something she would've done knowing what would happen.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>In the end, Nayeon continued playing the blame game. Pointing directly at herself as there was nobody else to blame. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Whether true or false, Nayeon made herself believe that she was the only one at fault. This blame she has put on herself, among other things, has made it difficult to face certain people. Like Jeongyeon’s family for example.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Which was why she terribly dreaded today. The commemoration dinner at the Yoo’s family diner was today. And Nayeon--Jeongyeon--had RSVP’d. She could just not go but if she didn’t then Jeongyeon would have her head for that. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She’d hoped that some disaster happened so today would never come but yet today arrived in perfect condition and amazing weather.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Get up.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Nayeon closed her eyes. She had woken up an hour ago to her alarm but she had yet to move from bed. “I refuse.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Nayeon.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She kept her eyes close. If she couldn’t see Jeongyeon then Jeongyeon couldn’t see her. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Don’t make me drag you.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’d like to see you try.” It wouldn’t be the first it happened. Oftentimes Jeongyeon needed to physically drag Nayeon out of bed to get ready for classes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Alright.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Soon, hands gripped her ankles and yanked at them. Nayeon sat up just in time before Jeongyeon completely pulled her off the bed. “Okay, I’m up!”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She stomped to the closet and began sorting through her clothing for something suitable. Something appropriate. Something consevative for where she was going to.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>As she picked out her outfit, her eyes wandered over to Jeongyeon who was simply sitting on the bed, waiting for her because, of course, she was accompanying her. Now, Nayeon needed to figure out a way to prevent a potential breakdown.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>These days she had begun spiraling again. Not just because of the commemoration at the diner but because in a few weeks it would be the anniversary of Jeongyeon’s passing. This would potentially bring trivial matters to light (involving a specific someone) and she was unprepared for it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Currently though, the thought of seeing Jeongyeon’s family again after so many years terrified her as she was fearful of their reaction to seeing her as well.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Once she dressed, they headed out. Nayeon wished everything would go well.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When they arrived, Nayeon felt her heartbeat skyrocket. She was nervous. Her hands were clammy. Her mind became clouded with a million thoughts that didn't make any sense. The world spun beneath her feet. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Standing in front of a place she used to frequent so often during her adolescence and early adulthood should bring warm memories. Yet, all it brought was heavy, constricting sadness.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A sorrow that has manifested deep inside her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You gonna stand here all the day or you gonna go in?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“My legs refuse to move.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“If this is too much, we can leave--”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Nayeon shook her head abruptly. “No. I'm not leaving.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Although it was costing everything in her bones to be here, she needed to do this. Jeongyeon said she was close. There was no way she was going to back out now. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Nayeon would no longer let her head hang. She’d begin the process of raising her head again and facing everything head on.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Tell me what you need.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When Jeongyeon was alive, she’d ask this whenever Nayeon would be going through some sort of turmoil. She was always catering to Nayeon, being right beside her to give her whatever she needed to feel okay again. Usually, Nayeon would simply ask for a hug or to be listened to as she vented. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>This time, all Nayeon requested was, “Don’t give up on me.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jeongyeon ‘s face became serious. She slid her hand into Nayeon’s carefully so it wouldn't appear weird to passerbyers. “I’ll always believe in you, unnie.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Nayeon gripped onto the hand in hers tightly and exhaled shakily. “Okay, I’m ready.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Walking in, she was met with a bunch of people. Some she recognized, others she didn’t. Beside her, Jeongyeon was in awe as she looked around the place. Nayeon couldn't help but let the ends of her lips curve up. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Nayeon?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She froze once making eye contact. “Mrs. Yoo.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jeongeyon ran to her mom but was only walked through as the older lady made her way to Nayeon. “My goodness,” she laid her hands upon her shoulders gently. “You’ve gotten so skinny.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’ve been working out.” It was a lie. Not like she could say that she rarely ate because it constantly slipped her mind.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It’s so good to see you,” she said with a warm, motherly smile.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>From behind her stood Jeongyeon, watching them. With her eyes, she was telling her to respond with the same and Nayeon wanted to. Yet, no words seemed to make their way out. Instead, she hugged her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sinking into the warm embrace of the woman that was like a mother of her own nearly set Nayeon down a path of tears. She couldn’t cry yet. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m glad you came.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Nayeon nodded, still unable to say anything.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then, the rest of the Yoo family showed up. Jeongyeon’s older sisters squeezed her in a mini group hug, scolding her lightheartedly for having been MIA, their father looked close to tears as he pulled her into a hug of his own. They all made it clear that she was desperately missed and was always worried about.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“We have a whole table of food, please help yourself.” Mr. Yoo motioned to the long table that was indeed filled with all kinds of dishes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Although she hadn't been in the mood to eat anything, looking at the food did make her stomach grumble. It’d been so long since she ate anything from the diner. As she ate a few things, the sadness settled in again. If only she had done something different in the past, then Jeongyeon would have had a hand in making all this food, and would be mingling with her family, cracking terrible dad jokes.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“How are you doing so far?” Jeongyeon asked.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I don’t deserve their kindness.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>At this, Jeongyeon darkened. “Why do you keep saying that?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Because it’s true. I don’t deserve anyone’s kindness… not even yours.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Before Jeongyeon could respond, her father cut in, announcing, “Hello, hi, everyone. Today we’re gathered here to celebrate my daughter, Jeongyeon, who may rest in peace...She had so much fire in her, the kind of person who would always lend a hand, a girl that made jokes like her old man, a sister that would fight the boys that broke their hearts, which she has,” everyone chuckled at that. “An amazing daughter that all the parents were jealous of us,” he sighed fondly. “I remember during summer, when she was a little girl, instead of going outside to play with her unnies she’d stay with me in the kitchen as I made lunch or dinner. I asked her why and she said to me, <em> ‘People are super happy when they eat your food, so I need to start learning now to become a chef just like you so I can make people feel that way too.’ </em> As a chef, I was proud she saw it like that. As a father, I told her she already made people happy just by being herself. She was serious about it and chose to study culinary arts just like me but, unfortunately, time was cut short...too short,” he wiped away the single tear that slid down his cheek. “Losing a child is the worst pain a parent could ever experience...the pain doesn’t ever go away but when it becomes too much I remember Jeongyeon’s life...how she lived it her way, how she was always happy, how she made sure not a single day was wasted...My lovely daughter,” he looked up to the ceiling. “I love you forever.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Nayeon turned to Jeongyeon, who had tears openly running down her cheeks. “I’m right here, Appa. I’m right here,” she whimpered.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Mr. Yoo cleared his throat. “Anyone is welcome to make a speech.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Nayeon flitted her gaze across everyone, wondering if anybody had the guts to stand in front of so many people that loved Jeongyeon in many ways. She gave Jeongyeon one last glance before raising her hand, “I do,” she said, with a conviction that appeared out of nowhere.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His expression lit up a bit. “Ah, Nayeon, please.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She’d volunteered. There was no way to run away from this. Well, she could. Some part of her wanted to. But all eyes were upon her already.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It wasn’t that she had a fear of public speaking. It was a piece of cake speaking in front of a crowd. It came naturally to talk in such situations. The reason for her nerves bundling up was that this was extremely different from the presentation she’s given in classes and work before. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>She was supposed to talk about Jeongyeon. A woman who owned her heart entirely.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Nayeon cleared her throat, rubbed her sweaty palms against her jeans. “Uh, hello, everyone. For those of you who don’t me, I’m Nayeon and for those who do, I hope you’re all doing well.” she paused, taking a breath. “Jeongyeon is--was--my girlfriend but before that she was my best friend. A person who knew everything about me. She was so good at it that I believed she knew me better than I did myself. She was it for me, I was ready to live through everything with her. Sadly, that was taken from me, just like she was. Jeongyeon...she was my color, my air, my reason but now that she’s gone, she’s taken all of that with her. Life was pointless, meaningless without her. I treated everyone around me badly, I pushed them away, I wanted to be alone forever because I felt undeserving of such comfort and solace. I became bitter, always negative. There are some things I’ve done that I’m not proud of but how does one continue being good when the only person who made them good is no longer with them?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Nayeon did her absolute best to keep the tears at bay. She couldn’t afford to break down in front of all these people and have them pity her for being broken. She didn’t want pity or sympathy. There was only one thing she wanted and that one thing was currently staring at her with the same love and affection she has been since day one.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She continued, for the sake of wanting to get everything off her chest.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“But I’ve had an epiphany and I’ve realized that Jeongyeon wouldn't want me living like this. She wouldn’t want me living in the constant suffering I put myself in. Perhaps, I’ll start trying better for her but I hope eventually I will stop the hurting for myself. I’d like to believe that she is with us at this very moment and even then, I know she’ll be with me no matter what because here,” she gripped her shirt at the area where her heart should be, “Yoo Jeongyeon will always be.” she finished with her eyes on Jeongyeon.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Much to her graces, Jeongyeon’s dad seemed to have caught on that she finished and that she needed a hug because he rushed in, squeezing her in one of his infamous bear hugs. He led her to a chair, telling her to stay put as he brought her water.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jeongyeon came to her side. “I believe you can do it, Nayeon,” she said, her own tears subsided already.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I still dont think I’m strong enough.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Because you refuse to lean on others for help.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Nayeon shook her slightly as she already knew who Jeongyeon was inferring to. “No, I don't want to do that to them.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Being on good terms with almost all of them was already a miracle. How could she lean on them now when she absolutely refused to years ago? They had offered their shoulder to lean on, countless times but Nayeon had denied every single one of them.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>What kind of person would she be to have cut her friends off for only wanting to help her and then all of a sudden ask to lean on them again, to step all over them just for her own sake of climbing out of the massive ditch she dug herself into?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Sometimes it’s not about what you want but what you need.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Always spewing philosophy even if it wasn’t asked for. Nayeon grew pensive, wondering if the efforts she’d made to reconnect with their friends was out of her own will or if she only did it because Jeongyeon pointedly told her she needed to.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She had missed them all dearly. Even while filled with bitterness, there were moments she thought about them. Sometimes berating herself for being such a bitch. Then those small moments would vanish and she fell back to the bitterness inside her. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Mr Yoo came back, handing Nayeon a cold water bottle. "Thank you for your words, Nayeon."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Naeyeon wiped at the condensation forming on the bottle with her thumb. "I meant what I said--about her being present with us."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Of course, that could be the case for some but I...I just hope she's not tied down here too long. I want her soul to be at ease."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Nayeon casted a glance upon Jeongyeon. Her heart tinged with sadness. It ate at her that for the last three years Nayeon selfishy begged the universe, the spirits above, literally anything to just bring her back Jeongyeon and never once thinking about whether Jeongyeon was resting or at peace.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"I--"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>An older woman that Nayeon has no recognition of called out to Jeongyeon’s father. He excused himself, telling her he'd check on her in a bit.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Are you okay being here?" she asked Jeongyeon, feeling her posture sag.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Here as in…?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"As in this place...roaming this earth again...with me."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"You know the answer to that already."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Because Jeongyeon was always the selfless kind, Nayeon did know that she was completely okay with how things were. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>"I can't help but feel that I'm disturbing...your peace."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Don’t worry about me. That’s exactly your problem.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Before she could ask for further elaboration, Nayeon is called out to by one of Jeongyeon’s older sisters. She’ll ask Jeongyeon what she was implying later because she didn’t have enough strength to stop herself from completely crumbling into a breakdown. </p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Nayeon hadn't planned on staying long at the diner. In her mind, she visioned herself staying for the max of an hour and then dipping. However, Jeongyeon’s family never gave her the chance to escape. They traded and passed her around.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She had caught up with Jeongyeon’s sisters. They’d both settled down and her oldest sister was expecting. It was odd for Nayeon. They were like sisters of her own. She remembered vividly the days she’d hang out or sleep over the Yoo home and how she always wanted to gossip with them despite their age differences. Now, they were all grown up.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jeongyeon’s mother graciously fed her and even packed left overs for her to take home. She had asked--more like made Nayeon swear--she’d visit them more often and to call them for absolutely anything. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>As for Jeongyeon’s father, he nearly teared up confessing that when Nayeon lost contact with them it had felt like he lost not just one but two daughters. That had finished destroying Nayeon. She barely made it home from how heavy she felt, almost as if weights were tied to her legs and arms. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>On the way home, Jeongyeon did not speak a word. Remaining silent as she trailed behind Nayeon who chose to walk home that left the soles of her feet aching and throbbing.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Mental exhaustion was creeping its way in. Nayeon’s eyes were heavy, her throat ached from all the trying not to cry. She looked it up once. Globus sensation was what they called it. The feeling of a lump forming in your throat when too much cortisol built up. Basically, it was true that you could get your emotions stuck in your throat.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Thank you,” started Jeongyeon, “I know how difficult it was for you to go but thank you for pulling through.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I did it for you.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“This one time can be for me but the next time must be for yourself, Nayeon. I’m not gonna be here forever to guide you.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That tipped her over the edge. All the emotions she’d been withholding come crashing down all at once. It’s not that she didn’t know that one day Jeongyeon will possibly not be there when she opened her eyes or came home from work. She’d accustomed to her being gone but now that she’s gotten a taste of her being there again, Nayeon can’t bear to imagine her life without her anymore.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She refused to make conversation about this. “Can I ask something from you?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Anything.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Pulling Jeongyeon into an embrace, she breathed against her ear, “Make love to me.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Nayeon hadn’t forced anything upon her beside an occasional hug or cuddle. But like Jeongyeon claimed, she wasn’t going to be here forever (that was proven once already) and Nayeon be damned if she let the chance to feel loved by Yoo Jeongyeon slip away.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I don’t think it’s a good idea.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They were far from the words she wanted to hear but right on the bat to the ones she expected.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She tilted her head back enough to gaze into her eyes. “Please. I went to the dinner for you. It would mean alot if you did this for me.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jeongyeon sighed heavily. “...I don’t know.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Do you not love me anymore? If it’s that then I under--”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She’s interrupted by a pair of lips. Hands held her face firmly. Against her mouth, Jeongyeon whispered, “Not even death can get me to stop loving you.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>No more was needed to be said. They blindlessly shuffled to the bedroom, hitting the walls and nearly knocking off two of the portraits Chaeyoung had put up. Nayeon is taken back in time. It’s as if she’s living right in the moment of the first time her and Jeongyeon spent the night together. They were just as eager to make it to the bedroom but they didn’t pause their kissing which entailed sore backs from the back and forth smacking against the wall.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Their shirts and bras came off in seconds. Jeongyeon nearly ripped off Nayeon's bottoms before doing the same to her own. As they toppled onto the mattress, Nayeon melted into it. The weight of Jeongyeon’s naked body on top of her, covering her like a blanket, was lighting a fire inside her.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was strange, honestly. To be touched intimately by Jeongyeon again, feeling her smooth hands caress the most intimate parts of her. Along the path of her neck and the divot of her collarbone, Jeongyeon lightly bit her then soothed it with gentle caresses by her tongue. Her fingers danced down her torso, caressing around her navel before sliding further down. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Nayeon released a soft and quiet moan when Jeongyeon slid her fingers up and down against her, testing the waters. Propped on an elbow, she gently pushed two fingers in and out, her expression full of hesitance.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Nayeon wanted to reassure her there needn't be anything to be hesitant about as Jeongyeon has already mapped and learned everything about her: mentally, emotionally, and physically. If there was anyone that knew her in every aspect, it was Jeongyeon.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She was reliving the illuminating sensations of making love with Jeongyeon. She was blooming with passion. Nayeon never wanted it to end.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They go at it for a while. By the end of it all, Nayeon is left breathless and tired. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“What wicked sorcery is this? I don’t remember your stamina being like this.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jeongyeon laughed softly. “I’m surprised myself.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m gonna pass out. You wore me out.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Leaned up on an elbow, Jeongyeon made an attempt to fix Nayeon's frazzled hair. “You were the one who wanted to keep going.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Because I thought you weren’t satisfied. You used to fall asleep on me the second time. And now you power through this effortlessly.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Their first time having sex was awkward and nothing like the media has portrayed it. They were uncertain where to touch and what was okay. There was no rulebook when having your first time, it’s all about doing something and paying attention to your partner's reaction. However, Nayeon wouldn’t ever trade that cumbrous first time because to her it was more then awkward sex, it was a step forward in their relationship, it was the commencement of desire and passion for each other being unfolded.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m so tripped out right now.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Why?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Because you’re you but you’re <em> not </em> at the same time.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jeongyeon hummed. “Yeah, I get it.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Shifting on her stomach, Nayeon studied Jeongyeon intently. “What did you mean by worrying about you is my problem?”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“This is what you choose for our pillowtalk?” she jested.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“It’s supposed to be an unguarded and authentic conversation. I need to know what you meant.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Well,” she started. “For the past three years you have isolated yourself, lived with self blame for my death. Even now, you still worry about my sake when I know you can barely hold your own.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Nayeon reached for her shirt and underwear to put back on. “I know I need to move on but how can I when you’re still so present in my mind, in my heart. Everywhere I look, I still see you.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I’m not asking you to move on but rather open up again to the people that love you.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Her friends came to mind. The unconditional love they’ve always provided her ever since they were in high school. Then a single face appeared in her thoughts. Of somebody who gave more than needed to.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jeongyeon sighed. “What I’m saying is you need to stop worrying about me so much because if you don't your life is going to pass by in a flash and you'll live with regrets. That's the last thing I want for you.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“And if I’m never ready?” she asked, voice soft. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was a question she asked someone else three years ago. Nayeon wondered if she’d receive the same reply. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>“You will be.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Of course, Jeongyeon wouldn't say the same thing. </p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>TW*</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>.</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>.</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>.</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>.</strong>
  </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Even without looking at the time, Nayeon already knew it was some time around three in the morning. She no longer bothered forcing herself to sleep. It only resulted in her waking up with a worse headache.  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Nayeon opted to just lay in bed awake. Besides, insomnia was way better than dealing with the nightmares. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Next to her laid Mina. Always accompanying her on these nights she’s wide awake. Always listening to her ramble. Always right beside her. Mina’s sleep schedule was just as fucked up as Nayeon's but only because she chose for it to be. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “I wish it was me instead.” </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “Hm?” The quiet hum made Nayeon realize that Mina had been falling asleep but she’d disturbed the peace. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “I should be the one buried 6 feet underground.” </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “Why do you think that?” Immediately, Mina’s hand found her own. Fingers gripping tightly around hers. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “Jeongyeon was good for this world. She was like a rainbow after a storm. She knew how to make things better. I’m not like that.” </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Mina squeezed her hand gently. “Yes, you are.” </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “No, I’m not. I’m just a waste of space.”  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “Jeongyeon wouldn’t want you talking like this.” </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “Yeah well she’s dead, not much she can do about it.” Months before, just even thinking about Jeongyeon would send her spiraling into a breakdown. Now, she mentioned her death too easily, as if she was already numbed to it. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Mina let go of her hand, getting out of bed. “Well, I don’t want you talking like this. I’m gonna make some tea since I can’t sleep now.” </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Perhaps she should apologize. Mina was only trying to console her, despite Nayeon not ever asking for it. Then, there are flashes of Mina embracing her after the funeral in her head. Just this once. She’ll say sorry. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> She entered the kitchen slowly. “I’m sorry.”  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “For?” Mina measured a spoonful of honey and dipped it into the tea, stirring it. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “I know you’re not a big fan of how I’ve been acting these past months.” It’s evident that Mina’s been trying to get her to stop being so negative but things just don't change even when they hurt. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “Then why do you still act and talk like that?” </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “It feels like I’ve lost touch with how I used to be. Like, without Jeongyeon I don’t know who I am anymore.” She trailed closer, standing only inches behind Mina who kept her focus on her tea. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “I get it. She took a piece of you with her. Just like she did to me, Jihyo, Sana, Momo, Dahyun, Tzuyu, and Chaeyoung. She was a part of our lives too and without her it’s as if we lost the piece to complete the puzzle. We’re all incomplete without her.” </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “I...I didn’t know you were all affected that badly.” </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “Are you kidding?” </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “I’m dumb, I know.” </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “You’re not dumb. You’re only hurting more because even though we love Jeongyeon, you’re in love with her.” </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Nayeon rested her forehead against the back of Mina’s shoulder. “I just...”  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “The others are worried. They’re waiting for you because they want you to come to them when you're ready.” </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “And if I’m never ready?” </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> Mina turned around, taking Nayeon into her arms. Something so novel now common. </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em> “Then I’ll be right by your side until you are.” </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you to everyone who's reading youre all awesome possums :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. five</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hi yall! heres another chapter :) have fun!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Nayeon was never the kind to be strict about cleanliness. When she lived with her parents they constantly told her to clean her room and keep it neat for longer than a week. She never did and never bothered to try.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Even then it was Jeonagyeon that did most of the cleaning as she would always knock on her door Saturday mornings to help purify and organize the monstrosity of her room. Before they started dating, Nayeon would help here and there, following Jeongyeon’s orders. After they started dating, there was less cleaning and way more kissing and other stuff.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They’re precious memories that seem so long ago. As if they were from another lifetime. She can’t help but be reminded of them.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When they moved in together, Jeongyeon was just as strict about cleaning still. Never lenient. Even if Nayeon left a single dish in the sink or didn’t wipe away a spill immediately before it stained, Jeongyeon would flip out and scold her. Most of the time though she was able to get away with her doings as the flutter of her puppy dog eyes and soft kisses would weaken the fury in Jeongyeon.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But after losing Jeongyeon, there wasn’t anyone to chastise her for leaving a dish in the sink or to repeatedly remind her to clean spills. And despite every single fiber of her wanting to clean because she was reinforced by Jeongyeon, cleaning the apartment felt the same as erasing Jeongyeon’s last presence there.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Yet, here was jeongyeon with a broom in one hand and a duster in the other, a bandana tied on her head making her look like an older lady, trying to motivate her as she exclaimed, “Time to do some deep cleaning!”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She was taking this seriously like always.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon, like always, whined, “I hate cleaning.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“This place is filthy.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Not even,” she surveyed the room. “Sure, there's a bit of dust collection but that's just about it. Not too extreme.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“We need to go through your closets too, get rid of the useless junk.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You can do it on your own.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She propped her feet onto the coffee table, eyes back on the TV. She should have known that Jeongyeon wasn’t going to back down because the next thing she knew is the duster is dropped on her lap as she is threatened by the broom that was ready to swing if she didn’t get up.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why do I even need to help? I’m fine living like this,” she mumbled.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Because I refuse to let you live like a bum.” Jeongyeon set the broom down and pulled the roll of trash bags from her back pocket. “I’ll get started on throwing away unnecessary things in your room while you dust off everything here. Capiche?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon gave her an okay gesture. “Capiche.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>At least she got an easy job. For now, that was. Surely Jeongyeon was going to make her move the fridge and couches to clean under them.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She quickly dusted off everything in her sight, sneezing a few times when the dust hit her nose. Other than that, she finished in quick time and decided to ask for her next order.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Upon entering the bedroom, she found Jeongyeon on her stomach, her upper half underneath her bed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What are you doing for?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m cleaning, duh. I know you always throw stuff under here.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No, I--”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Aha!” Jeongyeon grunted as she scooted herself out. She pulled out a box and placed it on her lap. “What the heck is this?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon’s instinct kicked in and she tore the box from her grip. “It’s nothing!”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Come on,” Jeongyeon smirked. “It’s not nothing when you act like that.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s just--” she scrambled for a good enough answer. “--work stuff. Yeah, a bunch of paperwork I haven't sorted out.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>”Wow,” Jeongyeon muttered. “You still get paper work these days? I thought everything was digital.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I like physical copies just in case. Can’t rely too heavily on technology.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s true. Never knew you could be so responsible.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon chuckled nervously. “Yeah, me neither.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She went to her side of the bed and slid the box back under. Making a mental reminder to get back to it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Honestly, though,” Jeongyeon sat in the closet, beginning to sort through her things. “With the way you reacted, I was thinking it was some sort of sex toy.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Jeongyeon!”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon flushed red and rushed out of the bedroom to avoid anything else. From the room, Jeongyeon yelled at her to start sorting out the hallway closet. As she did so, her mind stayed focused on the box under her bed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was a close call that Jeongyeon had found it. She’d completely forgotten about it. After all, it’d been sitting there in the darkness for the past years.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>When Nayeon entered her apartment, the scent of disinfectant greeted her. She came into the living room and found Mina wiping down the coffee table.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“What are you doing?” </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I noticed your place was collecting a bit of dust so I took it upon myself to do some cleaning.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“You what?” she hissed.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Mina continued wiping, apparently unaware of the anger rising in Nayeon’s tone. “Your laundry pile was huge and your room was too big of a mess to even walk in.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“What laundry did you wash?” To others, getting their apartment cleaned was a blessing. To Nayeon, it was crossing the line.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Mina became pensive then answered with, “Um, all of it.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She couldn’t believe it until she saw it with her own eyes. So Nayeon stomped to the washroom, hoping Mina was lying and everything was where she last saw it. But sadly, the washroom was devoid of any clothing.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon breathed heavily. She was ready to blow. “Who the hell gave you permission to touch my things?!” she snapped.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I was only cleaning.” </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Mina seemed confused. Of course, she would be. She didn’t get why Nayeon was throwing a fit over cleanliness but Nayeon was going to make sure she was heard loud and clear.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Nobody fucking asked you too! My apartment was perfect the way it was!”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“It was beginning to turn into a literal pigsty.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“You don’t get it do you?!”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Get what?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Everything was left untouched for a reason!”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Huh?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I left everything the way it was because it was how Jeongyeon left it. I didn’t wash her clothes because they still smelled like her. I don’t even sleep in our bed anymore because I’m afraid that I’ll mess up the way she slept in it. I can’t even cook because I’m afraid of wrecking the place she worked her magic. I’ve even switched to using her brand of shampoo, body soap, lotions, and perfume just so I can always have her scent with me wherever I go.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Nayeon, I—“ Then it dawned on Mina’s face.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon was trembling with anger. “But you and our “friends” don’t seem to understand that I’m still grieving over losing the love of my life. You all can’t comprehend that to what may feel like five months ago to you still feels like yesterday to me!”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m sorry I didn’t know. If you had told me—“</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Why the hell would I have even told you this? What would you have done? All you ever do is feel sorry for me and “comfort” me when I know the real reason you’re the only one who hasn’t left because you think I’ll magically reciprocate your feelings. Well, newsflash Mina, I don’t feel shit for you and never will!”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Not letting Mina say a single thing, Nayeon stormed out of the apartment. She needed to escape before she did something she’d regret. What that would be is something she didn’t want to find out.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon went right to a convenience store to buy ramen and a few beers. She initially planned to head to a bar but wasn’t in the mood for the social ambience. Rather, she needed to be alone for some time to cool down.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Her phone pinged three times while she was there. Texts from Mina: </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>im sorry, where are you, stay safe</em>
  </b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>They were from a few hours ago. It was nighttime but there were still many people out. She watched them all. And hated every single person that smiled or showed any sign of being happy. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>What right did they have to show off their happiness while she sat here in misery?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon scoffed and chugged the rest of her beer. The universe was unfair. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s only been five months since Jeongyeon’s passing but every morning felt like the one she woke up to the tragic news. Like she was stuck in a blip, reliving the same day over and over. Obviously, she wasn’t, as she’d always see Mina’s face first thing in the morning instead of Jeongyeon.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Mina always stopped by in the morning to drop off breakfast. As their lunchtimes coincided, they always ate together either in a restaurant or something that Mina made for them both. At the end of their work day, they’d grab take out and eat it back at Nayeon’s. Mina would stay for a bit and then leave back to her place where she was roommates with Momo and Sana.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon would consistently drop hints that Mina needn't do any of this but every single one was ignored. A very tiny piece of her was glad that Mina didn’t listen.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Having avoided the rest of her friends was difficult. They’d bother her through phone calls that she would either decline or let go to voicemail, tons of messages that she deleted or left unread, or they would stop by her place but if she was alone she’d ignore the doorbell until they left but if Mina was with her she had her tell them to leave. Putting Mina in that spot was hard but as Mina never minded, she continued on with it.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>The more she thought about it, the more Nayeon would believe Mina to jump off a cliff if asked to, especially in Nayeon’s stead. Whether to be worried or flattered was a decision she had yet to consider.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>But, maybe, instead of putting her life in physical danger, she wouldn’t mind risking something else.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>There was only one way to find out.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon threw her trash away and started walking back home.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>When she got inside, she expected Mina to be waiting at the door for her like some puppy waiting for their own to return. None of that was the case. Instead, Mina was waiting for her on the couch. Her back was straight, her hands laid on her lap, the perfect exemplar of a dignified posture.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I didn’t mean what I said.” is the first thing Nayeon chose to say.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yes, you did.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I was just sensitive and hangry.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s fine, Nayeon. You were right.” Mina hadn’t turned her way, keeping her gaze forward.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon moved closer. “I was a bitch that’s what.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I just wish you’d have told me. I wouldn’t have done anything if I had known.” She watched Mina’s hands unfurl from their clenched state. She rubbed her palms against her jeans. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I know, I know, I’m just tired of you feeling sorry for me.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Then how would you like me to feel for you because apparently you think I’m only here because I think I have a chance with you.” Finally, Mina looked at her. In her eyes wasn’t anger but rather dejection.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“That was wrong of me to say. I shouldn’t have said that.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“It hurts me to hear that you believe I’m here with you because of that. We were in high school. A lot has changed.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Just when she noted Mina started to visibly relax, Nayeon thought she ought to turn things up a notch. Not caring about any consequences at all. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She walked toward Mina, standing right in front of her. “Has it though? You don’t have to lie to me about your crush on me only being a highschool thing.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Nayeon, don’t.” Hands closed tightly. Gaze avoided. Posture rigid.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s all Nayeon needed to know to make her next move.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I think I’ve been too harsh towards you.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“You think? You yelled at me for cleaning.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“For good reasons though. I don’t want you to be my maid.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“You don’t want me to be a good friend either from the way you keep acting out on me.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“A good friend wouldn’t look at me the way you do, Mina.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“What are you—“</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Face it, Mina, you want me.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“No, I do not.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“What if I wanted you too?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“What?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re the only one who’s fought me to stay.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Because that’s what friends are for.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Labels are a construct.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Then Nayeon kissed her. It started off gentle, as she's giving Mina time to pull away. But Mina didn’t and only kissed back with even more force. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>They don't even try to head for the bedroom, settling for the couch, that they end up falling off. Mina was very likely going to complain about her back in the morning but Nayeon couldn't care less as she pressed against her.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Mina’s skin was extremely soft. Nayeon wanted--needed--to mark every inch of it with her mouth. So she did. The removal of clothes happened instantly. They're too deep in the moment to even be awkward or shy about it.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>There are some things Nayeon discovered about Mina:</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She doesn't moan out loud. Only whining softly and panting lightly. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She's super sensitive around her ribs. The way she squirmed when Nayeon left a trail of kisses along her ribs was all the proof she needed.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Mina threaded a hand into Nayeon’s hair, tugging and whimpering when Nayeon went down on her. She gripped on tightly like a lifeline.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And she's all about cuddling after sex which is something Nayeon isn’t completely against but hoped it wouldn’t be a problem later on.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Not too bad, right?" Nayeon breathed heavily, coming down from the high Mina provided her with such wicked tongue movements. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Mina is completely spent. Nayeon could tell by the way her eyes drooped as she fought off a yawn. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Shut up."</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Wanna do it again?"</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"I have work tomorrow."</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"What are you gonna say when they ask why you're walking funny?"</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>What her and Mina have just done was something that Nayeon never imagined. They’ve crossed boundaries that have been placed since forever. Before tonight, she had never pictured Mina in this way. She was always the sweet, innocent, younger classmate that offered shy smiles and spoke in the softest voice.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>After becoming friends Nayeon viewed Mina as another person she had responsibility over and needed to care for as the unnie. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Now, they were beyond that. Mina was anything but innocent and shy. She was attractive and alluring. And Nayeon was lured in. She’s now touched Mina in places she never dreamed of, kissed her lips she always knew were soft, made her praise her name in ear catching whines.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“As if you did that much damage.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon raised an eyebrow at her. “Is that a challenge, miss Myoui?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She half expected Mina to wave her off and go to sleep, not minding that they were naked and laying on the rough carpet of the living room but instead, she peered up at her, reawakened lust swirling in her eyes. “And if it is?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nothing more needed to be said for Nayeon to understand. She leaned up on an elbow as her free hand began its journey. Starting at her Mina’s clavicle, it glided down between her breasts. She took time to swirl around each breast, enjoying the way Mina lightly gasped. Her hands moved further down, tickling her ribs gently. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon leaned down, just a wisp away from Mina’s lips. “Are you sure you can handle me?” she asked, feeling how Mina’s breath hitched.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“You don’t scare me.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I can tell you’re lying.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Mina looked back and forth between her eyes. “You’re right,” she jutted her lips up, laying the gentlest press against Nayeon’s lips. “You terrify me.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>If Nayeon wasn’t so caught up in wanting to release the ardor building up inside her, she might’ve been able to read between the lines. That, however, is of least importance when Mina bites her lip, moaning, as Nayeon slides in and out of her with ease.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>This is when the first crack started to form.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Her bones popped as she stretched extraneously. Sitting in a chair from 9 to 5 did a toll on her poor bones. Vitamins were much needed because Nayeon felt as if her joints were becoming robust.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She shut her computer down, grabbed her things, switched out her heels for her sneakers. Polite goodbyes were exchanged with her coworkers. Nayeon unlocked her phone and began going through her social media feed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Her instagram and twitter that had been deactivated years ago were in use again (after much complaining from her friends that she was off the grid for way too long already). Her feed didn’t contain much. Just posts from her friends, the few celebrities she followed, and ads that were suspiciously of some products she mentioned aloud.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There were two texts from Jeongyeon asking what she wanted for dinner and the second saying she was making a seafood pasta. Nayeon sent a thumbs up and informed her she'd be stopping for some wine to go with it. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It took time but Nayeon would finally say that she’d gotten used to Jeongyeon being there morning and night. All the time. Like, </span>
  <em>
    <span>all </span>
  </em>
  <span>the time. It was as if nothing ever changed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She was always there. Always greeting Nayeon, always bidding her a good day at work, always sparking a conversation any chance she could. And despite how much Nayeon grew comfortable with having Jeongyeon be there, it also broke her heart each day that passed by.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Because she knew that one day it would all go back to the way it was. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She shook the thoughts away. Nayeon didn't want to delve into it further. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>With a bottle of the most refined white wine, Nayeon entered her apartment and was welcomed by the delicious scent of dinner. As always, warm memories would flood to the forefront of her mind. Nayeon arrived home while Jeongyeon made dinner.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>As she walked further in, she was surprised to find Jeongyeon already seated at the table. Everything was set already. It was a view Nayeon loved.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Have a seat, m’lady.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She placed the bottle on the table and Jeongyeon immediately began the process of uncapping it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Looks good,” Nayeon took her seat, leaned down to sniff the food lightly and hummed contently. “Smells good too.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“As expected from the finest chef here.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re gloating.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You would be too if you could cook something other than a cup of ramen.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon narrowed her eyes, accepting the glass of wine Jeongyeon poured for her. “If I wasn't in extreme starvation I’d detest that.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Then eat up.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They swirl their pasta elegantly. Take sips of their wine. Other than Nayeon slurping her pasta a bit too fast that ends up smacking her on the way into her mouth, dinner is peaceful for the most part.  </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Even after finishing their meal, they have yet to remove themselves from the table. As Nayeon finished the rest of her wine, a question pervaded her mind.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Can you even get drunk?” she asked, noticing that Jeongyeon was still with the same half-filled glass she started with.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jeongyeon chuckled. “Not at all. But I still enjoy the taste of it.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s terrible.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Just think of it as me having the highest tolerance in the world.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“And here I thought I'd be able to finally outdrink you,”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re buzzing from just the wine you had,” Jeongyeon remarked. “You couldn't outdrink anyone even if your life depended on it.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon opened her mouth to rebuttal because how dare Jeongyeon look down on her drinking skills but then closed her mouth because even all the drinking she'd done over the past years had not polished her low tolerance.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jeongyeon grinned. “Exactly.” She picked up the bottle and started reading the label. “You know who would love this fancy stuff?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Who?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Mina.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon had been in the middle of taking a sip of her wine which resulted in her coughing up a storm. Clearing her throat, she asked, “I need to use the bathroom.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She didn’t really. Just needed to escape. Nayeon splashed her face with water, sobering up. When she opened the door, she flinched back as Jeongyeon had been standing outside.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Speaking of Mina, you should give her a call.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“We should clean up if we’re done eating.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hm, second thought, you might not have her number since she moved to Japan and probably changed it. Maybe ask Sana or Momo.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon didn’t give an ounce of interest as she picked up the plates and glasses from the table, setting them in the sink. She’d hoped that Jeongyeon would quit pestering her about Mina but she wasn’t the least surprised when Jeongyeon simply stood next to her and continued.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you planning to wait until she comes for my anniversary or--”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A wine glass slipped from her hand and shattered in the sink. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Jesus, Nayeon,” Jeongyeon shut the tap off and examined her hands. “Did you cut yourself?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m gonna go for a walk.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A dent formed between Jeongyeon’s eyebrows. “Isn't it a bit too late for you to be walking around?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I won’t be long.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>After washing the soap off her hands, Nayeon left Jeongyeon in the kitchen. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>However, her feet only took her outside the apartment where the fresh breeze hit her face. She squatted and stared up at the sky. Devoid of any visible stars. Just empty and dark.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Her phone buzzed. A notification from instagram. She was tagged in a photo posted by Sana. It was a familiar photo. A throwback from their highschool days. Their entire friend group. Youthful grins, eyes full of hope. The caption read: </span>
  <em>
    <span>missing every single one of these faces can't wait for us to all meet up </span>
  </em>
  <span>with tons of heart and smiley emojis. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She double tapped the photo to like it but as she did it showed everyone else who had been tagged. Even Jeongyeon’s old account had been tagged. She followed all of them except for one. Hovering over Mina’s head in the photo was her username.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was always said that curiosity killed the cat. The saying used to warn of the dangers of unnecessary investigation. However, satisfaction brought it back. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>So Nayeon tapped the username and her screen filled with the posts that Mina had made. She clicked the most recent one which was months ago. Mina never was an avid user of the socials. Because Nayeon couldn't contain her curiosity she scrolled and scrolled until reaching the first post Mina had made.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She rubbed her eyes just in case she was seeing things.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A picture of her. She remembered exactly when it was taken. What she never knew was that Mina did end up uploading it. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But the question that remained: Why hadn’t Mina deleted it? Why had she kept it posted?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon almost hit the follow button. Almost. What would happen if she did?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Would Mina follow back? Hell no.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Would Mina block her? Very likely.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Would Mina just leave it be and pretend nothing ever happened? Also a possibility.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Would Mina delete her account, start a new one, and make sure their friends did not expose it? Far fetched but still plausible.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She exited the app and locked her phone before acting on a whim and adding another stupid thing she did to her extremely lengthy list.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But she couldn't shake the thought of Mina keeping her picture uploaded meaning something important. It had to. There was just no way it was insignificant. Maybe one day she'd find or maybe she’d just have to live with curiosity.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Besides, there were way more important issues at stake. Like telling her dead girlfriend's ghost/spirit/mirage/phantom/whatever she was about the reality of what had occurred between her and Mina three years ago.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Unnie, look here.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon, who’d been focused on her own phone screen, did not expect to find Mina aiming her phone at her, presumably to take a photo.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>But Nayeon didn't want to be photographed so she blocked her face with her hands. “Ah, Mina, I look gross.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“You look fine.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Fine was not enough to coax Nayeon. “I don’t have any makeup on and my hair is a mess.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Please, unnie,” Mina jutted her lower lip out. “I’m not going to post it. I just realized I don't have any photos of you.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon peaked through her hands. “You swear it’s not going on social media.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“You know I don't even use it.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>That was true but it never hurt to be wary. “I’m serious, Mina.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I am too.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>After some contemplation, Nayeon decided that maybe it wouldn't be the end of the world to leave evidence of her bare face and frazzled hair. She lowered her hands and sighed.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Fine.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Now pose.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon hesitated for a moment but composed herself. She formed a peace sign and smiled widely. Once she heard the shutter sound she relaxed herself.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Was that good?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"You seem happier these days, unnie," Mina commented, offering a smile. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Do I?" She hadn't taken note of it. "I don't feel any different." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"You can see it in your smile." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon tentatively touched her lips, trying to think of the times she'd smiled sincerely and not just for show. It’s interesting that each real smile she remembered recently, they were all from Mina’s doing. Something Mina said, something Mina did, something Mina showed her. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Lately, Mina has been the only thing worth smiling for and about. It was odd for Nayeon. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"I guess...you make it easier to smile." She confessed, not really expecting her words to hold a deeper meaning. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>But as Mina stared at her, unblinking, Nayeon realized that her words may have meant much more to her. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Mina then broke into her a gummy smile, her eyes curving adorably. "I'm glad, unnie. I’ll always make sure you keep smiling." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Hidden between those words was an unspoken promise. One that Nayeon would rely on heavily. Because even though she had rediscovered her smile, a flame of hope is ignited within her chest that Mina can be a provision of strength that she never loses it again. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The last thing Nayeon expected when coming home one day, intending to shower and then crash in bed was Jeongyeon waiting for her on the couch, arms crossed and a stare so stern that made Nayeon feel ten times smaller.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I have a bone to pick with you.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“About?” Nayeon massaged the back of her neck, her feet dragging her to the couch. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What happened between you and Mina?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The question stunned her. Completely throwing her off balance.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She had yet to formulate a plan to follow. Procrastination was a weakness of hers. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What--why do you ask?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You have yet to reach out to her and whenever I mention her you shift topics.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Since Nayeon had made up with the rest of their friends, Sans Mina, Jeongyeon has been trying to urge her to do the same with the girl. To reach out with an olive branch. But Nayeon would act as if she heard nothing, would pretend she was busy at the moment, or just talk about something else.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Complete stonewalling.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I just…” Nayeon sighed roughly. “Why does it matter?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why wouldn't it matter?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Because...because…” She couldn't find any reasons. “It doesn't matter. Besides, I already told you. The same thing that--”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Cut the bullshit, Nayeon. I know there's something you're not telling me.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jeongyeon wasn’t always a good bullshit detector but when it came to her, she somehow knew when Nayeon was hiding something or not telling the truth. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Panic settled inside her. “Jeongyeon…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You know you can tell me anything, right?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Of course, she knew that. Jeongyeon had always been her number one confidant. Whenever she struggled with something or needed advice she was ready to listen. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But how could Nayeon tell her that she harbored feelings of love for someone that wasn't her?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon hung her head, eyes casted to her wringing hands. “I never meant for it to happen,” she said, voice soft and fragile. “It just did.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Her legs trembled. She hoped a hole would open underneath her and suck her right in.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn't want to hurt her--but I did. Subconsciously I knew what I was doing was wrong but I couldn't stop. I didn't want to.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Nayeon, breathe.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She hadn't noticed her rapid breathing. Her heart raced as if she just ran a marathon. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I-I can’t,” she whimpered, lifting her head to meet Jeongyeon’s gaze.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Since the day it happened, breathing had gotten harder.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jeongyeon rushed to her and brought her to sit on the couch, rubbing circles along her back. “Relax, unnie, relax.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Clawing at her chest, Nayeon tried to pace her breaths. She counted in her head until she was breathing evenly. By her side, Jeongyeon flashed eyes of concern.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you need something? Water?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon shook her head. She pulled her feet up, chin resting on her knees as her arms wrapped around them. “I broke Mina,” she admitted softly. “I relied too much on her and broke her. I used her, Jeong. It was easier to take out whatever I felt on her. To throw my burdens on her shoulders was relieving.” Saying it out loud only made Nayeon realize more how much of a terrible human being she was. “And the worst part was that she didn’t mind. She never minded being my punching bag.” Nayeon then chuckled, out of pity for herself. “She was in love with me and I took advantage of it.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Nayeon…” Jeongyeon appeared at a loss for words. She didn’t blame her. What could anyone say to this? “You were in a bad place.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“And? I treated one of our friends like shit, Jeongyeon.” Just remembering all the damage she caused made her insides twist with guilt. “She was leaving for Japan and asked me to go with her.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh...”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Deja vu, right?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You didn’t go, why?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn’t want to.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I can tell you’re lying.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Fine.” There was no point in denying it. “You’re right, I wanted to. I was willing to jump the gun.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Then why not?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon frowned. “Seriously? How could I? I wasn’t good for her. I’m still not.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Thats your opinion,” Jeongyeon stated.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s a fact. Besides, she hates me.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You don’t know that for sure.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon snuffed a pitiful chuckle. “It was the last thing she told me before leaving.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Well do </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> hate her?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She had tried to. But she never could.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“...no...why would I?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Nayeon,” she paused until Nayeon was looking at her. “I’m going to ask you something and you better be honest.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Already sensing where this was headed, Nayeon readied herself. No more running away. No more avoiding the situation. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She continued, “Are you in love with, Mina?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I..I…” all she had to do was confirm it. One word; yes. But her words failed her. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You have to face reality, unnie.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t want to.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why’s that?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Because you’re not there.” Nayeon wanted to believe her own words. Deep down, both her and Jeongyeon knew that wasn’t why she couldn’t face the reality.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, unnie,” Jeongyeon pulled her up onto the couch and wrapped her arms around her. “We both know that’s not why.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I...”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t say it for me. Say it for you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She understood what Jeongyeon was implying. This wasn’t about just telling Jeongyeon the truth. It was about admitting aloud that the reason she couldn't nor wanted to face reality was not because Jeongyeon wouldn't be there but because Nayeon was undoubtedly and wholeheartedly in love with Myoui Mina.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m in love with Mina.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jeongyeon laid a gentle hand on her head, caressing her hair. “Now, that wasn’t so hard.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I still love you though.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She nodded knowingly. “And that's okay,” she smiled. “But it’s not betrayal, unnie. You’re not cheating on me. Your love for me is different from the love you have for Mina. You love us in different ways because we are different people. Loving Mina will never mean you love me less.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was the affirmation she needed to hear.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“But I don’t deserve to feel this love,” she mumbled.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Not with that attitude. Not everyone who has lost a significant was fortunate enough to feel this again but you...you were fortunate to encounter love again. Don't let it slip away from you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“And if I already did?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Then fight to get it back.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>So many times Jeongyeon had said that she was close. That whatever it was, it was nearly within her grasp. Nayeon didn’t understand it then but now...now she realized what she was ready for.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Another start. Another opportunity. Another chance. Another shot.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The strength to move on from that morning was building inside her. The courage to let go of the past and not let it tear her down any further was burning wildly.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There were very few pieces left to complete the puzzle. All she had to do was place them gently in their rightful spots so as to not ruin the rest of the puzzle. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But she had to fight for them. Nayeon may have lost the battle but she would make sure to win the war.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay,” she said, voice flowing with conviction. “I’m not giving up. I’m going to fight for my happiness.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It wouldn't be about failing or succeeding. It would be about having at least tried because doing something was way better than doing nothing.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>In the middle of replying to a work email the doorbell rang. It was rare for it to ring as the only times it would be for a delivery, food or package, or when Mina would be coming but even then she stopped ringing the bell as Nayeon had told her to use the passcode. She didn’t order food nor did she have a package coming which meant behind the door had to be Mina.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And right she was as she opened the door to a nervous Mina. “Uh, hey, why didn't you just enter? You know the code.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yeah, well…” Mina was avoiding her eyes. “Can we talk?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>The question should be alarming because whenever someone wanted to talk, it involved one or the other; a confession or a break up. Nayeon didn’t think that fit for whatever she and Mina were but there were still warning bells in her head that she chose to ignore. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She ushered her in, “Sure, I've got some time to spare.” She didn’t actually as her laptop was filled with tons of work that had piled on and needed to be finished by tonight but Mina had spared her plenty of busy time to listen to her so it was only fair she gave it back.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>They’re on the couch but Mina had sat herself the furthest away which was weird as she would always sit the closest she could. “What’s up?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>A telltale sign of Mina being nervous was the way she would move her hands. Rubbing them together then against her pants, interlocking then separating, clenching them in tight fists then spreading them wide open. Sometimes it made Nayeon anxious too.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I don’t know where to start.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Anywhere is fine.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Right...um...so, I’m going back to Japan.” she paused, “And I want you to come with me.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It felt much more like an order she needed to follow rather than an offer she ought to think about. She’d been to Japan a couple of times for a vacation, Tokyo and Osaka only though. It was a nice area to visit to relax and enjoy what it offered. Mina hadn’t stated whether going back was temporary or not, but the way she said it had made it clear that she had intentions of staying there.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And she wanted Nayeon to stay with her.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Japan was nice but it wasn’t home nor did she think it ever could be. Her home was here, in Korea, in Seoul. Her home since birth. The place in which she grew up, came to find the best friends that she chose to avoid and run away from, except for Mina. This was where she found love as it was also where she lost that same love.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Leaving had never crossed her mind. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>But now Mina was telling her to accompany her. This was too familiar.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Mina...I…”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Say you’ll come. Say yes.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Why should I?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“What...why not?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon never liked hurting any of her friends but she did anyway. She didn’t like hurting Mina either but she did and would still be. It was obvious to her that Mina had this belief that she would drop everything and jump on a plane with her. Some part of her wanted to, actually most of her wanted to leave with Mina. But the rest of her was distraught yet rational.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Why would I go to Japan with you? There's nothing for me there. My home is here, I belong here and I’m going to stay here.” she spewed out, her tone serious.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re only hurting yourself by staying here.” </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>There was some truth in that. However, she’d also be hurting herself if she left. To leave this place behind would be another ache she’d add to the list. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>If Mina was adamant in presuming she would agree then she would break that assumption, no matter the cost. Mina shouldn’t be held down by her. If Nayeon had to be the bad guy she was when Mina decided to stay with her then so be it. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“You’re hilarious, you know that. It’s sweet that you’re thinking of my wellbeing but it needs to stop already. I’m not some wounded animal who needs your care. I’m a woman who can take care of herself. If you want to leave, then leave, but I’m staying here.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Mina looked her in the eyes. The tender, warmth was void and displeasure and incredulity filled them. “There’s nothing left for you here. You don’t speak with your family, you ignore anyone who tries to reach out, you avoid the only friends you had.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She knew all those things herself. Sometimes she berated herself for letting it happen. Hearing it from another person’s mouth though was like being stabbed multiple times. Mina used to be careful with her words, walking on eggshells around as to not trigger her. Now, she was spitting out the truth that Nayeon tried to force herself to forget.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It was close to the end. The final threads were in sight. Nayeon only needed to cut them and Mina would be set free. “Mina, just because we’ve slept together and kissed a couple of times, it doesn’t mean I would follow you anywhere. You’re highly mistaken if you believe I feel anything for you that’s beyond platonic. Life isn’t a fucking fairytale, Mina.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Tell me you’re joking.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“The only joke there is to tell here is you believing I would ever love you.” As each word came out she watched Mina’s face display every ounce of devastation. It was for her own good.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon needed to make it clear that they couldn’t be. Whatever idea Mina had conjured up of them couldn’t exist because Nayeon wasn’t good for her. And as soon as Nayeon started realizing that her fondness of Mina started growing and transforming into something stronger, she knew it couldn’t go any longer for many reasons. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>But the most important one was that she would only ruin and taint Mina.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“So it was a lie?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“What was?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Everything that happened between us.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It was a terrible feeling to see how close Mina was to breaking down but back down wasn’t an option. Maybe she was being stupid for doing this. But ever since Nayeon had leaned in to kiss Mina the first time, she'd forgotten how to differentiate what was good and bad. The past year she spent Mina made her realize that what had first felt good was actually bad and never should have transpired.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She should have never kissed Mina or slept with her. She should have never accepted the kindness she gave. She should have never let her stay. She should have never let herself start feeling again.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I did what I did because it was what you wanted. Because I felt bad for you. Feeding your fantasy was the least I could do to pay you back.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>That was the last line because Mina had glared furiously at her and cursed, “I fucking hate you.” before stomping her way out.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon gritted her teeth, kept her eyes shut tight, crossed her arms in a tight squeeze. She tried her best to not get up and run after Mina. She wasn’t meant to run after her anyway. It was better that Mina loathed her. Maybe being abhorred by Mina wouldn’t be the absolute worst feeling, there were other awful things than this. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Of course, Nayeon would need to work on convincing herself that what she did was necessary.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yeah...I fucking hate myself, too.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thank you all for reading hope you enjoyed the update </p>
<p>theres a few more chapters left to go...i will try to complete the story before the month ends but i start school soon sooooo...I'll work hard :D</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. six</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>enjoy! (if there are mistakes my apologies)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Nayeon woke up feeling like shit. She didn't rest well for three reasons.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>One: The anniversary of Jeongyeon’s passing was in a week.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Two: The previous night, she received numerous texts from her friends that all relayed the same message: </span>
  <em>
    <span>Mina is back in Korea</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Three: The cat was out of the bag about her feelings for Mina. Or at least only to Jeongyeon.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Now that Jeongyeon knew about her feelings in question for Mina, she hadn't stopped pestering about not messing things up. It was relieving that Jeongyeon had shut down all of Nayeon's suspicions about cheating on or betraying her. But then it was weird for Jeongyeon to prod the situation further by asking when she realized she loved Mina, how she fell in love, was it something Mina said or did that enchanted her, and so on.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The questions were uncomfortable and Nayeon struggled to find the right answers. The only other experience of falling in love was with Jeongyeon. And there wasn't one specific reason why or how. It just happened.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>On the other hand, it was different with Mina. Almost like sitting in an airplane, experiencing turbulence, then calm, then turbulence again, flying through a storm, more turbulence, then serenity for some time, all until an engine gave out and your scrambling for your seat belt and oxygen mask, and when the plane is about to crash and burn it didn't even matter because as you look out the window one last time your eyes are welcomed by the most beautiful horizon with the sun setting against it, glowing along the ocean waters.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Basically, even if loving Mina may have resulted in a crash and burn, Nayeon was able to experience that beautiful sunset one last time. And that sunset in this storyline is love and happiness.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Because, yes, she was happy with Mina. Despite not recognizing it as happiness, as she reflected on it now, Nayeon was sure that it definitely was. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>However, things on her plate felt a load heavier instead of lighter.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>As she inspected herself in the mirror, she grimaced. Her eye bags were too prominent, her hair defied any brushing, her head was suffering the worst sleep deprivation headache ever. She texted her boss, stating she couldn't come into work today. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Luckily, she had sick days to spare.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Unluckily, she had to deal with Jeongyeon who barred a frown and questioning eyes.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re skipping work again?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t feel good.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A palm touched her forehead. “Your temperature is fine. Does anything hurt?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I just need to sleep.” She threw herself back onto the bed, burrowing into her pillow. “Don't mind me.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I was hoping we could go see the cherry blossoms today but it’s alright.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>At this, Nayeon seized the opportunity to be alone for a bit. “You go ahead.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jeongyeon pouted, clearly not warning to leave her side. “Are you sure?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, don't let me stop you. Go enjoy yourself.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay. See you in a bit.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon waved weakly. Now by herself, Nayeon leaned over her bed and pulled out the box that Jeongyeon had found during their cleaning day. She dusted it off with her hand, sneezing when the collected dust hit her nose. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What the hell am I doing?” she muttered.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The box in question had been a Christmas gift from three years ago. Given to her from Mina. But it had never seen the light of day again after she received it. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Why? It was simple. Nayeon didn't have the nerve to throw it away but she didn't have the courage to display and use it. So, settling, she kept it tucked away.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She removed the top, unfolded the tissue paper covering it, and let out a trembling breath.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A framed photo of their friend group from highschool. A knitted light blue scarf that was still as soft as it was the first time she touched it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was April and Christmas had passed four months ago (she spent that one and the previous one with only bottles of alcohol accompanying her). In eight months it would be Christmas again and Nayeon hoped it wouldn't be another lonely one.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>However, it all depended on what she was going to do now. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Because as she was trying to recollect the pieces of her life she'd destroyed and thrown away, there were parts that were difficult to retrieve as they involved Mina.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>With open arms and a soft smile, Myoui Mina welcomed Im Nayeon to take whatever she wanted from her. Letting Mina stay by her side since the day of the funeral was the first mistake she made with the woman because from then on, it all continued spiralling uncontrollably as it wouldn't be the last mistake.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>However, it was time to face the music because Mina was back and Nayeon was going to do anything and everything to make things right again.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>What she hadn't expected was for Mina to get her a gift. Despite her many clarifications that she didn't want anything. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>But Mina had emerged from the bedroom with a box. It was wrapped in gold paper, a glittery golden bow on top of it. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"I said no gifts." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Yeah, well, since when do I ever listen to you?" </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon snuffed out a chuckle and accepted the box. It was light. "I hope it’s money," she joked. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Open it." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"I didn't get you anything." That was a lie. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon had spent her lunches during work in search of a suitable present. She ended up with earrings which she pictured would look dazzling on Mina. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"It’s fine, you can make it up to me somehow." There was definitely an insinuation in those words. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon cleared her throat, feeling her cheeks heat up. "You've gotten really bold." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Mina tilted her head, feigning innocence. "What do you mean? I was insinuating a nice dinner. What were you thinking?" </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"I'm opening the gift now." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She pulled the top off, setting it aside. She unfolded the tissue paper and once her eyes made contact with what was inside, Nayeon stilled, afraid to make a single move or sound. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>A framed photo of them all from highschool laid upon a knitted, light blue scarf. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"I wanted to give you something heartfelt." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeom surely was feeling it in her heart at the moment. "It’s...uh..." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Do you like it?" </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She picked up the framed photo carefully. Their young, fresh faces. Uniforms they spent their prime youth in. A group of people that Nayeon loved so dearly. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>The memory behind this photo was very vivid. A funny but heart touching memory. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Her eyes watered. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon put the photo down and lifted the scarf. It was lengthy but would be good in this harsh winter that was filled with rain, hail, snow, wind. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"You knitted this?" She asked, observing the NY stitched at one of the ends. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Mina nodded bashfully. "I was in the sewing club in highschool and ever since it became a hobby. Technically, you had said you didn't want me to buy you anything so I didn't. I made it." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>The loophole was clever indeed. Never doubt Mina’s smarts was on Nayeon's daily reminder. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Thank you, Mina," She put everything back into the box. "They're great." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Great enough that you'll agree to come to Sana and Momo's party?" </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And the moment was ruined. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon sighed. "Not this again." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"They've been bugging me to convince you." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"I already said no." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"I thought you were gonna try to meet with everyone again." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She was. Or she planned to. Nayeon only promised Mina she would hang out with their friends to get her to stop rubbing it in her face. But seeing them, pity and worry in their eyes, wasn't what she wanted. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Why can't you and I just enjoy this?" </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Because I'm not the only one who cares about you. They all do." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon was close to giving in. But it wasn't enticing enough. "You can go if you want," She got up, headed to the kitchen, and grabbed another beer for herself. "But I'm staying home." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Fine," There's conviction in her voice and on her face. "You can stay here and be a grump all by yourself." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon sipped on her beer as the door opened and shut. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>The night passed by slowly. She found herself in bed, eyes droned on her phone that was charging on the nightstand, waiting for it to buzz with a message or call. It's been four hours since Mina left. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She was probably having the best time, drinking and socializing with their friends and the rest of the guests. Meanwhile, Nayeon tucked herself into bed right after she left, wanting to sleep this ugly feeling away. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Maybe she should have gone with Mina. Or maybe Mina should have stayed. It didn't matter because Nayeon wouldn't have felt less lonely. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She sat up, turned the lamp on, and retrieved the gift she had placed next to the bed. Absent-mindedly she wrapped the scarf around her neck, nuzzling into its softness. Her vision zeroed on one particular face in the photo. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Jeongyeon’s crooked grin was Nayeon’s favorite feature of hers. She lightly touched the photo with the tip of finger, tracing Jeongyeon’s figure in it. How desperately she wished for Jeongyeon to be beside her. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"We were supposed to grow old together," she muttered to the picture. "It was me and you forever but..." she trailed off, wiped the lone tear that had cascaded down her cheek. "You're not here anymore..." then her eyes traveled to another face in the picture. "...</span>
  </em>
  <span>she</span>
  <em>
    <span> is though." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It felt like a crime. To look at someone else other than Jeongyeon. To have touched someone else other than Jeongyeon. To have kissed other lips, be held by other arms, to share a bed with another body, to smile because of someone else. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Without even knowing it, Mina has snuck her way into heart. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It would be almost a year since Jeongyeons passing. Almost a year of having lost the love of her life, the color of her world, the reason for happiness. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And Nayeon surely believed nothing would ever feel the same after Jeongyeon. Smiling was harder. Laughing felt as if there were stabbing wounds in her chest. Crying brought on waves of guilt. The good emotions had vanished. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon was an empty shell. Hollow on the inside. Numb and dissociated with her surroundings. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>But now? Now, it’s as if a tiny light was lit inside her. Not her doing but another’s. Specifically, Mina lent some of her own light. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>As much as Nayeon refused it, Mina was persistent to keep her light going. To not let it die out. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"I can't do this to either of you," Nayeon whispered, coming to a realization. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>That realization was that Nayeon couldn't stop loving jeongyeon; she couldn't continue using Mina; she couldn't forgive herself for the sake of them both. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She took off the scarf, put it back in the box along with the framed photo. It was a lovely present but Nayeon didn't deserve it. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>As she chose to slide it under the bed this time, the sound of the door unlocking echoed in the apartment. Mina was back. And Nayeon laid back down, shutting her eyes to feign sleep. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She listened as Mina trudged inside, a stumble in her steps. It was obvious she was drunk. Knowing Mina, she must've tried to outdo her usual drinking and blow past her tolerance. Nayeon had found out that two of any drink, Mina would flush red and slur already. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Soon, Mina dropped onto the bed like a deadweight. Groaning as she fixed herself correctly. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"I know you're awake," she breathed out. "You never sleep on your back." A hiccup was released after that. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon sighed and sat up again. "You caught me." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Everyone asked for you." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Mina--" </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Mina hushed her sloppily. "Don't say anything." She then huffed loudly, her bangs flying up as she did so. "I'm trying so hard to help you. All I want--" she hiccuped. "Is for you to smile. And not those fake ones but a real, genuine smile. Wide and showing off her teeth and gums." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon remained silent. Not sure what to say. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Mina peered up at her, drunken eyes blinking at her slowly. "You're so pretty, unnie." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And Nayeon nearly combusted right then and there. Those familiar words that had been told to her so many times now tumbled out from the lips of a person she never imagined. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"How much did you drink?" Mina put up five fingers. "Five drinks?" </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Five shots of tequila." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"You're freaking crazy." Tequila was a drink that Nayeon had tried once and never again after it made her blackout and throw up terribly the next morning. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Did you like your gift, unnie?" </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"You already asked me." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Tell me again." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>The end of Nayeon’s lips curved up as she was amused by Minas docile aura. "It was lovely. I really like it." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"I’m sad though." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Why?" Nayeon found herself fixing Minas bangs, arranging them so they were neat against her forehead but not covering her eyes. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"...you didn't get me anything." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Actually--" Nayeon turned to her nightstand and pulled open the drawer, reaching for the tiny box inside. She held Mina’s hand and placed it on there. "This is for you." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Mina pushed herself up and hunched over as she opened the box. There was a pause in her breathing which had Nayeon a bit worried. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Do you not like them?" </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"They're beautiful." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon felt relief wash over her. "Oh, good. I wasn't sure if you'd like them but I thought they'd look nice on you." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Then she heard a sniffle. She was worried again. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Are you...crying?" </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Mina nodded. "I feel very emotional right now." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"It’s the alcohol." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"No--you wouldn't get it." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And maybe Mina had a point. Nayeon struggled to understand the things about Mina. She was nothing like how she appeared to be. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Mina had a soft smile, kind eyes, a quiet voice. Or so Nayeon had thought so. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>With their friends Mina was talkative, not loudly, but she did speak a lot when the topic suited her interest. Her smile would widen and her gums would show whenever she found something hilarious. And her eyes could hold a fiery anger in them when she was really upset. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>With Nayeon, she was also different. She was hard headed sometimes. Too selfless when she wanted to be. Could be needy if she felt like it. Opinionated but thoughtful. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Mina was a different Mina depending on who she was with. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"You should wash up before sleeping." is what Nayeon said before laying on her side, faced away from Mina. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>"Merry Christmas, unnie." </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Merry Christmas, Mina.” she whispered back, unfazed as she felt Mina scoot closer, a hand clutching the back of her shirt.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>That night, as the first snow of the year fell, Nayeon was falling as well. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She just didn't know it yet. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And she wouldn't realize it until too late.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Apparently, Jihyo thought it would be a good thing if they all met up prior to Jeongyeon’s anniversary. The original plan had been for them to all gather on that day, visit the cemetery together, and order Jeongyeon’s favorite foods just as Jihyo told her they would do.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p><span>However, Nayeon was forcing herself to get ready to meet up with her friends. </span><em><span>All</span></em> <em><span>of them</span></em><span>. </span></p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She was nowhere near ready to face Mina just yet. But Jeongyeon mentioned this was a good opportunity to face the situation to try and settle things. Still. Nayeon couldn't help but think of the worst case scenarios as she put on her makeup.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There were at least three scenes that played in her head.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Scene 1: Once Mina saw her, she would slap her. Not once but twice. Then leave.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Scene 2: Mina would tell their friends everything and convince them to turn against her. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Scene 3: Mina would act as if she was nonexistent, ignoring her the entire time.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The third scene didn't seem that bad. But avoiding confrontation was impossible at this point. Mina was bound to say something and Nayeon was bound to accept whatever was thrown at her.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Isn't your lipstick,” Jeongyeon grimaced. “A bit much?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon broke from her trance and blinked at herself in the mirror. She groaned helplessly as she noticed she had been applying layer after layer while in thought about seeing Mina again. “This is going to be a shit show.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She wiped the thickened lipstick from her lips and started over, this time paying close attention.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Think positive.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I can't,” Nayeon gave herself a quick look over. “Even with all this makeup, I still look terrible.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No, you don't,” Behind her, Jeongyeon placed her hands upon her shoulder and leaned down to be in the mirror's reflection. “Everything will be fine.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I hope so.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“And even if it doesn't go well, you’re not giving up, right?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>If it weren't for Jeongyeon, she’d have never made it this far. She couldn't let it all go to waste because she was tempted to fall back into self isolation.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I can do this.” she said firmly.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That's the spirit.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She chanted the same phrase repeatedly in her head the entire time. From when she got into the taxi up until she stood in front of the door of Jihyo’s apartment. Muffled chatter and music came from inside. Everyone must be here already.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>As Nayeon raised a hand to push the bell, she noticed the slight tremble. In her other hand was a pack of beer. “Here goes nothing.” she pushed the bell and waited.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>In seconds, the door opened and Jihyo ushered her inside, taking the pack of beer from her. Not without giving Nayeon a quick hug before telling her, “They’re all in the living room.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Everyone?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jihyo shook her head. “We’re waiting on Mina.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>That relieved her a bit. She still had a bit of time to compose herself. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Unnie!” yelled out Chaeyoung, the first one to notice her. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The rest of them set their attention on her, all rushing up to her for greetings. A warmth spread throughout her as they all argued on who was next to hug her. How badly she had missed these kids.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She ended up squished between Sana and Dahyun on the couch while Chaeyoung and Momo played on the latters Nintendo Switch connected to the Tv. Tzuyu was in the kitchen helping Jihyo out with their dinner. It was nice. Just like old times almost.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>As if she were reading her mind, Sana pointed out, “Reminds you of our highschool and college days, doesn't it?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s great,” she said.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s nice we can do this again.” Dahyun added, unknowing of the effect her words had on Nayeon.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She knew no way was Dahyun trying to instigate anything or put any blame on her but she couldn't help but read too much into what she said. Despite Jeongyeon not being with them, they could have still continued being together like this only if Nayeon hadn't done everything she did.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>If only she hadn't turned bitter and cruel.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon cleared her throat. “And we’ll do it more often.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“We’re holding you to that, unnie.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>As they waited for Mina’s arrival, Nayeon excused herself to the restroom, stating she wanted to clear her insides before indulging in copious amounts of food. That had gotten all of them whining about how she didn't have to be specific. But she did because she didn't want them questioning why she was taking long in the bathroom.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon sat on the toilet lid and pulled out her phone. She dialed Jeongyeon’s number. Almost immediately she answered.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“What happened?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Nothing yet but I...I needed to hear your voice.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh, um, what should I say?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Doesn't matter. Just--just keep talking.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Okay, well, I’ll tell you some random facts I know. A single strand of Spaghetti is called Spaghetto. German chocolate cake was named after an english baker named Samuel German and has no affiliation with Germany. Scientists can turn peanut butter into diamonds. Humans share sixty percent of DNA with bananas. Umm, what else--”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon had covered her mouth to refrain from laughing out loud but she just couldn't contain it any longer. “How are they all food related?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I was studying culinary arts.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re ridiculous,” she said with an affectionate tone.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I have more--”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No, no, it’s okay. These were enough.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Your loss I guess...”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She checked the time on her phone and wondered how much longer she could hide in here until one of them would check on her with the presumption she had explosive diarrhea or that she fell in the bowl. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I should go,” Nayeon flushed the toilet to keep up the pretense. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Were you using the toilet the entire time?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No, I came in here for a breather.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Shouldn't you have gone outside for that?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn't want anyone getting worried.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jeongyeon hummed. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Makes sense.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Thanks for answering. I’ll see you later.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>The call ended after Jeongyeon said her goodbye. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She placed her ear on the door, trying to hear what was occurring on the other side. She didn't detect the addition of another voice so Nayeon believed she was in the clear still. Upon exiting the bathroom, she intended to head right back to her spot on the couch.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>However, as soon as she came out of the hallway and entered the living room, everyone was on their feet with their eyes toward the door because entering, dressed up ever so elegantly, was the girl Nayeon adored like a younger sister in highschool and the woman she ruined that had beckoned to her every call. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon stood still, her heart palpitating. It didn't help that Mina had shifted her eyes right to her and if it were possible, she’d be shooting lasers.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Now, that everyones here we can--”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But Mina interrupted Jihyo with a sharp, “Why is she here?” There was nothing kind about her tone.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Everyone seemed to be thrown off guard as well.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jihyo, the self-chosen mediator, stepped forward. “The reason we all are. To all be together.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Grabbing onto her arm gently, Sana tried to coax her. “Come on, Minari, don’t be like that.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, unnie, she came in good faith.” piped in Chaeyoung, always having her back no matter what.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Mina scoffed, eyes full of ridicule. “Good faith? Don’t make me laugh. Since when has she ever had good faith?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Finally, Nayeon broke her silence. “It’s me you’re mad at, don’t take it out on them.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Mad? I’m way beyond mad.” Mina was fuming. If it was possible, there’d be smoke coming out from her ears. “Just looking at you has my guts churning.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Momo, equally as everyone, was affronted with her words. “Mina, why are you so vexed? We thought you'd be happy to see her like we were.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Momo,” she motioned for her to relax. “It’s fine, she has every right to be.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Dahyun scratched her head, clearly trying to wrack her brain for some sense of this. “Actually, I’m confused.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tzuyu nodded. “Mina unnie, are you okay? You look like you’re gonna be sick.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I need some air,” Mina shrugged out of Sana’s hold and exited the apartment.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Mina--”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon grabbed sana by the shoulder, stopping her. “Leave her.” she sighed, “I had a feeling this would happen.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m still confused why Mina reacted like that.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Everyone became pensive, all looking at Nayeon for answers. This was the moment. Nothing but the whole truth would be said this instant. She realized that there would never be enough preparation for it but she figured she had to start somewhere.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“A lot went down. We...became closer but...not in the way we should have.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jihyo narrowed her eyes at her. “What do you mean exactly?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Mina didn’t give in when I pushed you all away. She was stubborn and persistent. I...I behaved heinously, I was terribly rude most of the time but she still refused to leave me alone. So I gave up in trying to make her and let her be there for me. But I...took advantage. I was vulnerable, broken, confused, an empty shell.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She still was all those things but the difference from then was Nayeon was trying to better herself from it. Back then, she had given up on being okay. It didn’t matter if her life was in shambles, if there was incongruence. But now, Nayeon sought stability, serenity. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The boat that was her life had been sinking like the titanic three years ago. Now, she was motivated to patch it up and make sure it stayed afloat to sail.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Nayeon, what are you trying to say?” asked Sana.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon looked into each of their eyes. She wondered if after telling them everything they would walk out of here, following Mina’s footsteps. Wondered if they'd push her away this time.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>If they did then Nayeon would be lonely forever.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She gulped, licked her lips nervously. “I longed for comfort but was afraid of having it because my conscience always told me that I didn’t deserve it. But Mina was there, open arms, a kind smile, soothing words. And I missed being loved the way Jeongyeon loved me.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It didn’t take a genius to decode what she was insinuating but her friends were all incredibly smart and could make inferences that would hit the target.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Sana then gasped lightly. “Tell me, you didn’t.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There was a hint of desperation in her voice. A sort of begging for Nayeon to confirm that what she thought and what Nayeon was trying to tell them was just a big lie.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Didn’t what?” Chaeyoung asked confusedly.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It appeared on Momo's face that she also connected the dots. “She’s only ever told me and Sana.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What, unnie?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Sana kept her eyes on Nayeon as she spoke to everyone. “Mina had feelings for Nayeon in highschool but as you all know, Nayeon was all about Jeongyeon.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Hearing it from another person just made Nayeon feel beyond crappy. Like the most terrible person the world has ever had.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It was stupid of me, I know. To this day I haven’t forgiven myself for using her like that.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>All at once they all make sense of everything.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh my god, you slept with her.” </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A frown appears on Sana’s face. “It all makes sense now. You were the reason why she chose to stay in Japan even after her mother was well again.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was all too suffocating. Their stares of judgement and pity. Nayeon felt her throat close up. She was either about to faint or break down in tears and so she needed to escape. They didn’t need to bear witness to her self destruction.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She grabbed her belongings. “Thank you for letting me come, I’ll see myself out.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>This may be the very last time they share the same place. Nayeon wouldn't blame them if they wanted nothing to do with her after finding out how she selfishly broke the heart of a person they all cared for and loved like a sister.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A hand caught her by the arm. She met eyes with Tzuyu who wore a determined expression. “You’re staying, unnie.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Coming to her side, Chaeyoung added, “As if we’re letting you go again.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“We’ll tie you to a chair if we have to.” Dahyun joked, always the one to lighten a tense situation with humor.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon, on the other hand, was just as confused as she was eternally thankful. They could have let her walk out the door, thinking that she had lost it all again. They could have rejected her apologies and taken away every last ounce of hope in being forgiven. They all could have been done with her and lived easier, more peaceful lives.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Yet, they’re still holding on to her and Nayeon would probably forever wonder why.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t...why’re you all being so nice to me? I just told you that I basically used one of our friends for my own greed and hurt her.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jihyo nodded solemnly, “I think we can all agree that we’re fuming and highly disappointed, but we don’t have any animosity toward you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tzuyu landed a punch on her arm, “That’s for being a bad unnie,” Next she patted her head like she would a puppy. “This is for being frank and owning up to what you did,” Lastly, she threw her long arms around her. “And this is because I missed you and I’m glad you’re opening up to us and no longer shutting us out.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Group hug!” Chaeyoung announced excitedly.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Soon, she was circled by everyone. There’s a quote that came to mind as she was enveloped by this group hug; </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘A friend is one who overlooks your broken fence and admires the flowers in your garden.’</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Her friends knew there were parts of her that were broken, no longer the same as before when they were younger. That the Im Nayeon she once was is now bruised, torn, and afraid. Yet, they all reminded her of the good that still resided in her.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I need to talk to Mina.” she stated after being released from the group hug that went on for a few minutes.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Should you right now?” asked Jihyo.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“If I don’t try and do something now I never will.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“If you need us, don’t hesitate to reach out.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon nodded appreciatively and stepped out. She found her lingering by the door, staring at her phone.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey,”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Mina’s body tensed. “What do you want, Nayeon?"</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m still your unnie, you know,” Acting playful wasn’t the best idea but Nayeon thought going with a lighthearted approach might prevent Mina from running away.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You lost that privilege long ago.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re right.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Did you need something?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon shrugged. “Nothing specific, just...I want to apologize.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What for?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You know what.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Mina scoffed lightly, attention back on her phone as she mumbled, “Some apology.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“For everything. I was unfair to you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s whatever. I knew what I was getting myself into, and still like a fool I believed that maybe eventually it would mean something, anything. But the lesson was learned.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon wanted to reach out and hug Mina. To offer any sort of comfort but she was in no place to do that. It’s obvious from Mina's reaction when she saw her that she would rather be anywhere else in the world than here with Nayeon.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I lied to you, Mina.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“About? There’s too many to remember.” She smiled but it’s far from the gentle, loving grin she usually carried. It’s wicked, full of disdain.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon gulped. “Mina, I’m trying here. I’m trying to--”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“To me it sounds like you’re trying to make yourself feel better.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s not true,” She denied, mostly to convince herself that all of this was more than a simple atonement. That this was her fighting.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Keep lying to me, it’s what you’re best at.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Mina!” She lost control for just a second but instantly regretted raising her voice because Mina had flinched and taken a step back from her. She inhaled deeply then exhaled roughly. “I didn’t mean to yell.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It pained me to stay by your side.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Then why...why were you so adamant in staying? I never forced you to.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Because!...Everyday, every night I catered to you because I was afraid that if I didn’t and let you out of my sight for even a few minutes I’d wake up to the news of losing yet another precious who I love.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I wouldn’t...I’d never…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“And how am I supposed to be aware of that? You stopped opening up to me! The only moments I felt that I got through to you was when we had sex!”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Mina, I--”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Mina smiled scornfully. “But even then...that wasn’t enough.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon had approached her, thinking she would be able to be on the winning side but right now, she’s definitely on the losing side. She can’t give in yet. Not when so much progress has been made for just this moment. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What can I do? I’ll do anything.” she desperately asked.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Right now there’s nothing I want from you. I’m only listening to you because I promised our friends that I would.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“But one day you’ll give me that chance?” She needed something to be hopeful for.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“A chance for what, Nayeon? To get inside my pants? To play pretend as if I was Jeongyeon? Or to be your punching bag when you feel like the world is shit? Because newsflash, that’s reality. You’re not the only one who’s been damned by this life.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I deserve every ounce of resentment from you,” she sighed roughly. “But other than apologizing I wanted to thank you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Mina eyed suspiciously. “For what?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“If you hadn’t stayed with me...I would’ve never known what it would be like to feel again.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There. She had told her. Not everything. But little by little.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Feel what, Nayeon?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Cautiously, Nayeon stepped closer. It was tempting to hold Mina’s hand or to hug her but being next to her was enough. “Just that. To feel. I was numb...empty...as if every emotion was drained from me. But you--” she sucked in a sharp breath. “Gosh, Mina, you relit my extinguished emotions. You gave me the will to smile again, to laugh, to understand that I wasn’t alone, to just...Mina, you gave me hope again.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Mina’s shoulder’s sagged a bit. A sign of her walls coming down just a tad. “Why didn’t you ever tell me?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon shrugged, looking down at her boots. “I was ashamed.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Of me?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No, never of you. It may have seemed like it but I always appreciated it, even though I had a fucked up way of showing it. I was ashamed of everyone else knowing that I--” she stopped herself from completing the sentence, knowing what was coming next. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I love you</span>
  </em>
  <span> were her next words. Nayeon straightened her throat. “I was grieving, we all were, but it was different for me. I couldn’t accept that the person I envisioned myself settling down with for the rest of my life wasn't with me anymore.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I understand that...you and Jeongyeon unnie were made for each other.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon observed Mina. The anger in her eyes simmered, the bite in her words no longer. She’d calmed down and that was good. Progress was being made.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“There’s something I have to tell you,” Nayeon said. “But not like this.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Hopefully, this would bait Mina into seeing her again.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Mina tilted her head in confusion. “Why can’t you just tell me now?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But Nayeon was adamant. “No, not while you’re still furious at me. Not when I haven’t made up those two years to you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Nayeon, stop beating around the bush.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“When are you going back to Japan?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“My flights on Sunday afternoon.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon did the math. It was Monday night. Jeongyeon’s anniversary was on Saturday, the day before Mina’s flight. Which meant she had four days.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I want to see you every day till then.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What--”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I\m not taking no for an answer.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m here to see our friends.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>That hurt because there was an implication that Nayeon was no longer part of that category. She wasn’t surprised to have lost that right.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“We’re friends too, remember?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Mina said softly. “We were.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>That hurt too. But Nayeon maintained her composure.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Spend the rest of your days here with me and you’ll find out what I have to tell you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No hidden agenda?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon raised her right hand. “I solemnly swear.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A few moments of excruciating silence passed by as contemplation appeared on Mina’s face. She was expecting a hard no. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But then, “Fine--but! Don’t think this is me accepting your apology and forgiving you. I’m only curious to hear what you need to tell me.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And up the walls went again.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I know...but I’m going to make it up to you the best I can.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was all she could promise. But it never slipped her mind that it took more than four days to undo immense wrongdoings, if they were undoable in the first place. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>This was only a stepping stone.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. seven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>another update :)...aha...one more chapter to go...yaaaay....so, yeah, enjoy :D</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Unexpectedly, her friends decided to be of assistance in getting back on Mina’s good side. After Nayeon had given them the spiel of the situation she was in and how she managed to get Mina to agree to spend the rest of her days with her before heading back, they insisted on devising a flawless plan that would not fall through.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Offering to write and compose a short song for Nayeon to sing was Jihyo. She implied it would surely make Mina’s heart flutter. Nayeon preferred to keep her singing to the shower or drunk karaoke. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chaeyoung said that when a person couldn't find the right words or actions to express it was best to draw them out. It would be a kind gesture if only Nayeon didn’t have the artistic skills of a four year old. Stick figures were the best she could manage.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Dahyun tried adding to the plan by sending Nayeon some memes that she could share with Mina. A good laugh was always a good start. Even though she and Dahyun shared the same sense of humor, Mina’s humor was on a different level. She might not find the senseless memes as amusing as Dahyun and Nayeon did.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tzuyu was a big help as she had mentioned that since Mina loved dogs maybe the way back to her heart was through a bunch of pooches. Therefore, Tzuyu had sent her a list of highly popular dog cafes that Mina would positively love.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There was high hope for Sana and Momo as they were the closest to Mina. They’d lived together since highschool. They knew her the best out of all of them. But when Momo stoically said to give Mina a lap dance, she was prohibited from entailing further ideas.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Sana, on the other hand, did give a great idea one day that Nayeon had been over her place. She’d been cutting up fruit as Nayeon lounged hopelessly on the couch when she nonchalantly suggested, “Do the things she wanted to do with you back then.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The lightbulb on top of Nayeon’s head turned on so brightly that it could have blinded anyone.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Sana, you’re a genius.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shrugging, Sana munched on an apple slice. “So I’ve heard.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>With the combination of Sana’s and Tzuyu’s ideas, the operation to get back on Mina’s good side was devised.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Each day would be a different date--activity, not date, because they were nowhere close to that--that Nayeon recalled Mina wanting to do with her. As there was a limit she only picked the ones she vividly remembered; roller skating, picnic in the park, dog cafe.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Let's go on a date.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon froze temporarily from typing, trying to process what Mina had suggested. “A date?”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>It’s not that she completely abhorred the idea but rather...was uninterested in partaking in such a thing. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Let’s go rollerskating.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>She shook her head. “Hard pass.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Aw, come one. It’ll be fun.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Maybe it would. Maybe it wouldn’t. Nayeon wasn’t going to find out either way. She didn’t even know how to roller skate in the first place.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I said no, Mina.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“At least give me a valid reason.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“I don’t have to.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Here we go again,” murmured Mina, not discreet enough to fly past Nayeon’s ears.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon stopped typing again and inhaled deeply. She really didn’t have the time to spare to start another little argument that would probably be forgotten in a few moments. Yet, there was a rage that started to burn inside her because Mina just didn’t know when to stop either.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Nobody is holding you hostage. If you want to go so badly then go.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Mina stared her square in the eyes. “I want to go with you.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Nayeon closed her laptop and rose to her feet. “I’m going out.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Before Mina could even get a peep out Nayeon rushed to the door, slid her shoes, and left.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon double checked the room number, making sure it was the right one. She closed her eyes and counted to ten before knocking on the door.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Today was the first day they’d spend together. Her insides were twisting with anxiety.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The door opened and Nayeon’s eyes were welcomed with a sight to behold. “You look pretty,” slipped out before she knew it. However, it was a must to start off with a compliment </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, uh, thanks.” But clearly Mina was reluctant to receive and accept them. “Let’s go?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon borrowed Jihyo’s car for this as the roller skating rink she found was a bit of a distance from Mina’s hotel. Plus, it was better than calling a taxi and sharing an uncomfortable car ride with each other and a stranger. They could just share the discomfort by themselves.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She opened the passenger door for Mina, hoping it earned her some points. Once settled in the driver side, she started the engine, and took off to their destination.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Where are we going?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon glanced at her, smiling. “Roller skating.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Roller skating?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Roller skating,” she echoed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon hummed pensively. “Well, I’ve never been before so I thought why not try something new.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Obviously, her reasoning was more than just that. She still recalled the moment Mina suggested it as a potential date for the two. Nayeon had rejected the idea. After that, the topic of dates was cautiously tiptoed around.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The drive to the rink was silent with a dash of suffocating awkwardness. The music from the radio helped keep her thoughts at bay.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon paid for their skates and they found a free table to leave their things at. Like a pro, Mina laced up her skates and headed out to the floor, without waiting for Nayeon who was struggling to tie her own laces. It was fine though because Nayeon already prepared herself to not receive any free kindness. She’d need to earn it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She was grateful enough that Mina even bothered sharing the same breathing space as her.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Once her skates were tied correctly, Nayeon stood up on shaky legs. In very, very small steps she made it the entrance of the floor. She watched everyone whizz by her, seemingly all skilled skaters.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“First time?” inquired an older lady that stood beside her.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah. Any tips?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The older lady became pensive. Then shrugged, “Just go for it. It’s how my kids learned.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was terrible advice. But in a way, as Nayeon admired Mina skating among the rest of the patrons, it may have been the only viable advice. There wasn’t much to lose anyway other than breaking every bone in the lower part of her body.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>You won’t know until you try though.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon stepped on the slippery floor and pushed. As she moved slightly, she thought to have already mastered the art of roller skating.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>In a blink of an eye, her feet slid too fast ahead and her back met the floor. Maybe she should just lie here and pretend to have passed out. Try and save some face.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Nayeon, get up.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She cracked an eye open. Mina hovered over, her hair falling forward and creating a sort of curtain for her face.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Am I in heaven?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was a bad attempt at a flirt but she had to cease the moment.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But Mina was unamused as she had only rolled her eyes. “You’re in the way.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I need help.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’ll be fine.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Mina, if I try and stand on my own I will eat shit and very likely break a bone.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Ugh, fine,” Mina held a hand out to her and Nayeon gladly took it. Her hand was just as soft and warm as she remembered. “I’ll help you walk to the table.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Teach me how to skate.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Nayeon, it’s not something you can learn in such little time.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You underestimate me.” she plopped onto one of the chairs, rubbing her lower back slowly. There was definitely going to be a bruise. “We’ll stay until they close.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Mina sighed. “It won’t matter.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Mina, please.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>After some moments of thinking, Mina gave in. “Fine, but you have to do exactly as I say.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Following Mina’s instructions was a bit difficult. Mostly because she didn’t give her enough time to catch everything she said as she kept moving from one instruction to another speedily. Also, the tone of authority in her voice was a bit...distracting.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Mina paused her lecturing and squinted at her. “You’re not even listening.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I am!”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Then what did I just say?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Oh, crap. “I’m gonna take a hard guess and go with...I’m an idiot?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Mina blinked at her. “You’re infuriating.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Honestly, I’m just gonna go out there and hope for the best.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Suit yourself.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Her eyes widened. “You’re not going to stop me?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Nope. I’m done babying you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon was left with her jaw slacked as Mina moved past her and skated right back onto the floor.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>For the next hours, Nayeon gripped onto the sides of the rink for dear life as her legs acted like those of a newborn deer. She caught Mina’s eyes occasionally and although she was going to suffer several bruises in places that shouldn't be bruised, Mina’s expression of mirth was definitely worth it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The dog cafe that Tzuyu suggested was apparently one of the most popular ones in the area. So popular that you needed to make a reservation to enter which she didn’t know about. Luckily, Tzuyu was way ahead of her and made one just for them.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What’s today’s plan?” asked Mina, keeping in step beside Nayeon.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The cafe was within walking distance of Mina’s hotel so Nayeon figured walking there wouldn’t be so bad.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’ll see.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon’s eyes trailed to Mina’s hand that swung between them. Temptation to link their fingers together grew inside her. Nayeon instead crossed her arms to prevent herself from reaching out. It was only day two and it was getting unbearable to stop herself.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Sounds sketchy.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon chuckled. “You’ll love it, trust me.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Trust is such a fragile thing. “ Mina commented, leaving Nayeon unsure whether to consider it as an attack or not.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ve read that to rebuild broken trust you need to prove how much you love through your actions and not just your words.” she said, then added, “But you know, it’s not always about trying to fix what’s broken but rather starting over and creating something better.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She hoped Mina would get the clue but as expected she didn’t react and turned her gaze forward. This was definitely way harder than she imagined but she wasn’t giving up. Not anymore.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>If it was impossible to repair the trust then she could only hope and settle for the chance to start over and try for something better. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When they got to the cafe, Nayeon had the privilege of watching Mina’s eyes fill with an excitement that strongly resembled those of a child who’s parents told them they were going to Disneyland. They gleamed with a sort of happiness that Nayeon will always want her to have.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ve always wanted to come here.” Her mouth parted slightly as she remained in awe.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“And now you’re here.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>As soon as they spotted the dogs, Mina went berserk. Cooing at every single pup in their vicinity. Nayeon was almost jealous. Almost. The pug with its tongue sticking out that for some reason waddled to her side and chose to stick to her, looking up at her with affection in its eyes made up for it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Treats were given to them by the employees to hand to the dogs. Nayeon had tried to feed them but they all kept their attention on Mina, flocking around her, tails wagging wildly. Mina was surrounded by nearly every pooch.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Seems like they’re all in love with her,” commented one of the workers.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon kneeled and gave the pug a treat, gently patting its head all while her eyes remained on Mina. Admiring the way her eyes curved, her wide gummy grin, the giggles that came from her as the dogs gave her hands kisses.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon sighed dreamily. “They’re not the only ones,” she mumbled.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>After all the dogs dispersed, spending their energy elsewhere, they finally ordered drinks and some pastries to eat with. The pug, however, had yet to leave Nayeon’s side. She was growing fond of it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Mina raised a brow as she glanced at the pug. “He seems attached to you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon gave the pug a quick rub on the back. “I’m pretty charming.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh-huh.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That was totally sarcastic.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You don’t say!” she displayed more sarcasm and Nayeon would have countered it if she had nothing to worry about.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Anyways,” Nayeon took a sip of her frappe. “Are you enjoying yourself?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Mina hummed, cutting a small piece from the slice of pie she chose for herself. “It feels like a dream.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m glad you’re having fun.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What about you? Are you enjoying it?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon felt a weight rest against her foot and looked down to see the pug had laid its head on top of her shoe and drifted off to sleep. Pretty cute. A bit gross too as slobber dripped down from its tongue and onto her shoe. But still cute.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Then she looked back to Mina, who was waiting for her response. She was pretty cute too.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“If I’m being honest,” Nayeon centered her gaze on her pastry, a big chocolate chip muffin. “Just being with you is enough.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“...oh.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Not the reaction she wanted but it was better than being ignored or glared at.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry, I shouldn’t have--”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Mina shook her head. “No, no...it’s fine...it was...kind of you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Before Nayeon could speak again, Mina rose from her seat and announced, “I’m gonna play with the dogs for a bit.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She slumped on the table, poking at her muffin. She almost ruined it all. Thank goodness Mina left before she said something else. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It wasn’t a defeat. But it wasn’t a win. Not yet.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon had it all planned out for the third day with Mina. Get to the park, find a nice spot to lay a blanket down, set up the picnic, and then wait patiently for Mina to arrive as this time she was informed by Mina she would meet her instead of Nayeon going to pick her up. Everything would go smoothly enough for her to earn more points.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She had prepped Onigiri earlier and sliced some fruit. She packed everything in containers and neatly placed them in her tote bag, throwing in a few plastic cups and a bottle of the fancy wine she had shared with Jeongyeon not long ago. It was time to test out Jeongyeon’s theory of Mina liking it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’ve got everything right?” asked Jeongyeon from the couch she laid on.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Food, drinks, blanket. Yup, got it all.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Alright, have fun.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon stopped herself from leaving just yet as there was a question hanging on the tip of her tongue. “This is...fine, right? Me and Mina? Like, you’re fine with it?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Having Jeongyeon’s support for wooing Mina still befuddled her. It’s not every day your dead girlfriend supports you in swooning one of your friends.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Nayeon,” she sounded tired, probably from having to constantly reassure her. “Do I need to spell it out or something? I’m one hundred percent behind you in everything.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I know--I just--you know...it’s just weird.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What’s weird is you not having asked me to help you make the onigiri.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She had thought about it. Jeongyeon was, after all, the chef. “It crossed my mind but,” she glanced at the bag hanging off her shoulder. “I want everything to be from my efforts.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s good.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Just before leaving, she had to make sure of one last thing. “You’ll be here when I get back, right?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye,” she replied offhandedly, unknowing of the effect her words had on Nayeon.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon accepted the answer and gave a quick wave before taking off. As she walked to the park, the words rooted themselves within, finding another spot in her mind to nest in. What Jeongyeon’s words meant to her was that she was going to say goodbye one day. And she had a feeling that time was nearing.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Once she reached the park she easily found a suitable spot to enjoy a picnic. She laid out the blanket, making sure not a single corner was messy. Next, she picked a spot to sit and began pulling out everything from the bag. She wasn’t sure how to place them so she chose to just leave them in the middle of the blanket.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She checked her phone for the time. She arrived a few minutes earlier than the agreed meet up time to set up. Now, to only wait for Mina.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The park was filled with people. Families adorning the grass with their own blankets and neatly set up food. Kids ran wildly, chasing each other. There were couples being lovey dovey.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>What had caught Nayeon’s attention was the group of teens. A group of friends. Laughing loudly, being jovial. Carefree and happy.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It feels like yesterday we were just like them,” came Mina’s voice from behind her, causing Nayeon to whip her head back to her.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“How long have you been standing there?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Mina lowered herself on the blanket across from her. “I just arrived.” she picked up one of the containers, opening it, and analyzing its content. “Onigiri? You made this?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“My cooking skills have improved over the years.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Mina snuffed out a low chuckle. “Even a child can make this. But I’m surprised since you’re known to burn nearly everything.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Keyword: nearly.” Nayeon handed Mina a napkin so she could grab an onigiri for herself. “And making this doesn’t require a stove nor is it that difficult to make.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But in fact, Nayeon struggled to keep the rice from falling apart. Nobody needed to know that.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tentatively, Mina took a bite out of it, chewed for a few minutes then swallowed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“So,” Nayeon started. “What’s the verdict?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Mina remained thoughtful as she took another bite, creating a suspense so eerie. Then, “Better than I expected.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon relaxed, releasing a sigh. “That’s good to hear. I really thought I messed it up.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s weird though,” muttered Mina, looking at the onigiri in her hand with a questioning gaze.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What is?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“They strangely taste similar to my moms. I mean, I know onigiri is pretty universal but I believe it’d taste different based on who made it, like all foods, don’t you think?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon knew exactly what she meant. “It’s because if someone dear to you makes you something, it tastes like the best thing in the whole world.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah...I guess so.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Before Nayeon’s mind plummeted into the deep intricate memories of all meals jeongyeon has ever prepared for her, she jumped trains. She was with Mina. Her head only needed to be filled with thoughts of right now.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Speaking of your mom, how is she?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Mina raised a skeptical brow. “Fine. Why?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Jihyo told me she became unwell.” Although it was two years too late when she found out.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, yeah, it wasn’t anything grave. Fortunately, she’s healthy again.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why didn’t you tell me?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why does it matter?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She thought about a good enough reply to give. If she had known then, would she have treated Mina better? Would she have gone on a plane to japan with her? If Nayeon had known one more detail would she be in this situation?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The more thought she gave it, the clearer it became that nothing would have changed and perhaps things might have become worse.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Because she’s your mom and she’s one of the most important people to you. Of course it matters.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Mina scoffed lightly. “Caring now is a little too late.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t think it’s ever too late to care...besides,” Nayeon took out the bottle wine, unscrewed it, and poured some for them both. She handed Mina a half filled cup of wine and smiled. “Who said I never cared?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>No response. Mina sniffed the wine first before taking a small sip. Nayeon watched and waited as she savored the drink. Then Mina hummed appreciatively as she took another sip. She liked the wine.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Mina,” nayeon said, heart fluttering when Mina hummed expectantly as she took another bite of her onigiri. “I always cared. I just...i suck at showing it. But I care, Mina, I do. So much.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I…” She paused, avoiding nayeon’s eyes. “...I care too...I still do.” she admitted.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon wanted to ask for an elaboration, for her to expand on what she cared about but it wasn’t necessary because it was obvious. Especially in the way Mina was willing to spend time with her despite having been put through too much hardship because of her.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>However, the only difference between the two of them was that Mina was always the one who cared too much. This time, Nayeon was going to make damn sure she cared just as much if not more.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was the fourth day but Nayeon’s mind was blank in trying to come up with something for them to do. Luckily, saving her was a text from Jihyo that she had sent to all of them. It stated that they should hang out again. Nayeon didn’t hesitate to accept the invitation. More excited to hang out with all of them than before.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Despite having spent the past three days with Mina alone, she figured that being in a group setting would help out a lot more. She could tell in the beginning it was very difficult for Mina to even be in the same space as her but each day her defense lowered little by little.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It was hopeful.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But Nayeon knew that three measly days would never be enough to make up for the destruction she had caused.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It wasn’t all pointless, however, because a sense of strong will and courage grew within. It wouldn’t be for naught. She planned to tell Mina of her feelings. It was just a matter of finding the right timing to tell her before she left.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She and her friends all decided on meeting at their old hang out; the diner. She did feel a bit bad for having taken up all of Mina’s time here so she hoped having their friends reunite just for fun would make up for it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When they entered, Chaeyoung had taken the first opportunity to find their old writing on the wall and added to it. She drew a big heart and wrote the present date in the middle of it. She then added her initials and ordered everyone to do the same. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When it was Nayeon’s turn to write her initials, she hesitated where to place them. Chaeyoung had taken the liberty of writing Jeongyeon’s initials and her first response would have been to put her own right next to them. But on the other side of the heart were Mina’s initials that Nayeon found herself staring at.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She didn’t care if they were all watching her or not. Nayeon uncapped her marker and wrote her initials. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She sat in her spot, squished between Jihyo and Chaeyoung, across from Mina who was between Sana and Momo with Tzuyu next to Momo and Dahyun next to Chaeyoung. Here they all were together once again.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She glanced to the entrance of the diner and wavered slightly. Leaned against the wall, hands tucked in the pocket of her jeans was Jeongyeon watching them with eyes full of adoration (she’d insisted on tagging along, wanting to see them all together again). She sent Nayeon an encouraging smile.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chaeyoung poked her arm. “Unnie, the meat is burning.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon broke out of her trance and gasped from the charring meat. “Ah, fuck!”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Jihyo smacked her back. “Don’t swear.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s over, our food is ruined,” whined Momo, her moping matched with Dahyun’s frown.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s not ruined, just,” Nayeon picked up a piece with the tonsils and analyzed it. “Crunchy. The burning adds flavor.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She looked at each of them but none of them seemed to agree.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Then you eat it.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon eyed the black pieces of meat. Maybe it was salvageable. “Fine, I will.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Tzuyu did the honors of ordering them more meat while Jihyo took the tonsils away from Nayeon, a declaration that she’d be cooking instead.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But Nayeon was going to show them it was still edible. She prepared her wrap, hesitantly because she was still holding out for them to stop her. Instead, they all carried on with their own conversations. Tzuyu and Momo talking about their pups, Sana yelling across the table at Chaeyoung and Dahyun about the show’s currently obsessed with, while Jihyo attended to the new meat on the grill.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>None but one was watching her. Mina raised a brow at her. Nayeon shrugged.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t eat that, unnie.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And there it was. The wrap in her hand froze halfway.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“But--”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Mina took it from her hands, opened it up and replaced the burnt piece of meat with one of her own. She then handed it back over. “There. Now you can eat it.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>As Nayeon wordlessly shoved the whole wrap in her mouth, she swore it tasted as if it were served on a silver platter directly from the heavens above.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Interesting,” hummed Sana, narrowing her eyes at Mina then at Nayeon.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But Nayeon was too preoccupied trying to savor the food in her mouth to say anything.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Mina didn’t seem too affected by Sana’s questioning eyes. “What? You’d all do the same too.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They wouldn’t actually. Of course, they respected and loved Nayeon as she was their unnie but they weren’t that attentive to her either. Mina has only ever been the one in their friend group to be this thoughtful. And Nayeon always regretted not appreciating it when it mattered most.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Mina unnie, when do you plan on visiting again?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Then the precious moment was ruined by this reminder.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe Christmas?” Mina tapped her chin in thought. “It depends on my parents, honestly.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh? Why?” asked Jihyo.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“They mentioned wanting to spend Christmas somewhere else and want me to join but nothing has been planned so far.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Before Nayeon realized it she was putting in her two cents in with, “You should all go to Hawaii. Being somewhere warm during Christmas seems nice.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Everyone appeared to be holding their breaths, all waiting for Mina’s reaction. Nayeon preoccupied herself with eyeing the sizzling meat.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Maybe I’ll suggest it to them.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Everyone relaxed.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What if...we all went?” Nayeon asked then.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Everyone tensed again.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That could be fun,” was Mina’s reply.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Relief washed over everyone.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Actually,” started Sana, waiting till all eyes were on her. “We were hoping you’d all go to Hawaii for a different occasion.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon became confused at Sana’s use of </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘we’</span>
  </em>
  <span>. She looked at Momo who only flashed her a grin.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Unnie, are you saying…” Dahyun never finished her speculation because Sana nodded happily as she lifted her left hand. They all looked to Momo who also lifted her left hand.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Holy shit.” Chaeyoung whispered from beside her. “You two are getting married.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Loud cheers and yelps of excitement ensued. Dahyun got up and ran over to Sana’s side, eyes bugging out as she inspected the ring with Jihyo. Tzuyu and Chaeyoung wow’d at Momo’s ring, moving her hand in all kinds of ways to see how the ring even sparkled in the dim lighting.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Congratulations, you two. You both deserved it.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Sana grinned at her. “Thank you, Nayeonie.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Momo reached over and squeezed her hand gently. “Seriously, thank you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The couple went into details about when the wedding would be and why Hawaii but Nayeon didn’t pay much attention as she got lost in her thoughts. Sana and Momo could’ve been her and Jeongyeon. It could’ve been her and Jeongyeon revealing their engagement.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They were finally moving onto the next step of their relationship and dont get her wrong, Nayeon was grateful to be a part of this. But she still couldn’t help but let a wave of sadness hit her. She lifted her eyes to look at Jeongyeon but instead found Mina staring at her with an unreadable expression.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon felt bare. Transparent. Mina has always managed to see right through her facade and it terrified her. Her heart was beginning to race. Her breathing increased. Oxygen was slipping from her.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>From her spot, Jeongyeon appeared alarmed. Mina’s expression transitioned into one of worry.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon gripped her chest as she stood up abruptly, receiving the attention of her friends. She wanted to say something, to excuse herself but as soon as her mouth opened, breathing became even harder.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon rushed to the door, ignoring the concerned calls of her friends. She had hoped her legs would take her somewhere far but all she could manage was down the street before they weakened and she crumbled to the ground.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Nayeon,” she looked up to Jeongyeon, weakly panting. “Breathe.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That could’ve been us,” her lips trembled. “But it isn’t and it’s all my fault.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It can still be you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You can still be happy like that, Nayeon.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What are you--”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I may not be by your side anymore but someone else can still be.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon inhaled through her nose and exhaled out her mouth until she calmed down. She didn’t need to ask what Jeongyeon meant. She knew exactly who she was referring to. “I wish she could but...I’m afraid.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’d be a life if Nayeon hadn’t momentarily thought about the potentiality of her and Mina being like that.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Well,” Jeongyeon looked briefly to the left. “It’s not up to you. I’ll be waiting for you at the apartment.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>In a blink of an eye, Jeongyeon was gone. In another blink, Mina was standing before her.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What the hell was that?” she stressed, a light pink on her cheeks. “You can’t just take off like that without saying anything!”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon winced. “Can you not yell at me, please?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“If you can explain what stunt you just pulled then I won't yell.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I was having a mild panic attack,” she said with a gloomy sigh.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What?” Mina’s voice softened drastically. She used to hate it when Mina would speak to her as if she were an injured puppy but now hearing her soft, calming voice did wonders to her heart. “What...are you okay?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon let out a chuckle full of self pity. For the past three years there has not been a single day she’s been okay.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No, I’m not okay. I don’t even know how to be okay anymore.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you need something...do you want to...talk?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I was thinking of Jeongyeon...that’s why I ran…”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Mina faltered. “Oh.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I got lost in my thoughts. About the what-ifs. Losing her was like losing my sanity.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Quietly, Mina squatted next to her. She didn’t say anything so Nayeon took it as for her to keep talking.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“The day before Jeongyeon’s accident, we got into an argument. She was offered an apprenticeship by her teacher with a famous chef. I was happy for her but the thing was, it was in France and it was for two years. She wanted my input so I told her to go for it but she didn't want to leave me behind. So...she asked me to go with her…” Nayeon briefly passed her eyes over Mina who seemed to be connecting the dots. “It wasnt that I didn't want to but...I couldn't drop everything. I loved her but back then it was just asking too much of me...and then I ended up losing her the next morning.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Nayeon, I--”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon shook her head, not letting her finish. “It was different with you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I lied to you, Mina. As soon as you asked I was ready to get on that plane with just the clothes on my back. I wanted to leave with you.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Then why?” her voice cracked with a cutting emotion that also made Nayeon’s heart crack. “Why did you say no?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Because I believe that I didn’t deserve it. I wasn’t healed, I’m still not.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Why are you telling me this all of a sudden? I’ve tried my hardest to forget how I felt when you declined and said those terrible things and now you’re bringing it up like nothing.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s not nothing, it never was. It was everything to me but I couldn’t have it. Mina, I’m not the same anymore. I have heavy baggage, I didn’t want you to deal with it. Which was why when you told me you were going to Japan I acted horrible because I wanted you to leave without thinking of me and only of yourself.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re unbelievable.” she scoffed, rising up from her squat.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon followed suit. “Mina, you deserve a simple, peaceful life. With me, your chances of that are ruined.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“God, you really are a damn fool. I didn’t care about easy, Nayeon, I cared about you. And...and...”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Her mind flashed back to the park. Mina cared. She still cared now. It was still unbelievable.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The words went right to her heart and sat right next to all the other sweet and caring things Mina has ever told her.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, Mina. For almost everything.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Almost everything?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon wanted to confess right then and there. To say that the one thing she wasn’t sorry for was falling hopelessly in love with her. But as she recalled all the pain she’d caused Mina...she just couldn't do it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon shook her head slightly. “Never mind.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“That's not fair. You can't just say something and not elaborate.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nothing in life was ever fair. Nayeon learned it the hard way.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Thanks, Mina.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“For?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Coming to check on me.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Nayeon started to head back until a hand gripped her arm.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Did you...did you ever feel anything...for me?” asked Mina, voice brittle.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She wanted to tell her truth.; </span>
  <em>
    <span>Yes, I did, I still do</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I…I...” her lips trembled, from nerves and fear. All she had to say was a single word. Her ability to formulate any word was failing her.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>This wasn’t the right timing. So, unfortunately, she’d have to break Mina’s heart all over again with her lack of an answer.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Mina’s arm fell back to her side as she released her grip. “I thought so.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Mina passed by her silently and Nayeon’s feet refused to move.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The courage she had supposedly built up was nowhere to be found. Maybe, in the first place, it never existed and was merely an illusion to keep her going toward something that was and may always be unattainable. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She knew she was self sabotaging all her efforts by throwing Mina into a barrel of confusion but as much as there were parts of Nayeon that wanted Mina, that wanted to love her and make her happy there are just as many parts of herself that kept trying to disrupt everything, trying to undermine her sincerity of giving Mina the best.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>She watched Mina walk further and further away from her. She had yet again let happiness slip right through her fingers.  </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>All she could think of, however, was the tiny, barely visible heart she drew in the middle of her and Mina’s initials. That was the only thing that kept her going.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. eight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>here we go, last chapter!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Nayeon was possibly close to passing out or vomiting. As she was in the passenger seat of Jihyo’s car, she knew Jihyo wouldn't appreciate Nayeon spilling her guts out. In the back seat Chaeyoung and Dahyun were jamming out to the radio. Momo drove the car behind them with Sana, Tzuyu, and Mina.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In a few minutes they would be pulling up to the cemetery and Nayeon kept fidgeting her fingers on the door handle, the urge to jump out of a moving vehicle just a bit more tempting. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You look like you're seconds away from passing out or vomiting,” Chaeyoung leaned forward between the seats, scrutinizing her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Just nerves.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“There's no reason to be nervous, unnie.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>For them there wasn’t. They weren't the ones living with a guilt so heavy and intense for the past three years. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“This is the first time I visit,” she murmured, eyes ahead on the road</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Really?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon nodded weakly. “I never had the courage. I’ve never been able to make it past the gate.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Unnie…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She thought about Jeongyeon who was back in her apartment, probably lounging on the sofa watching TV or cooking something up in the kitchen. She thought about how none of her friends had the privilege to see her, hug her, talk to her. She thought about the guilt she carried for so long.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But I’m ready now,” she admitted, giving each of them a grin that she hoped would get them to stop looking at her with pity. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She no longer wanted to be on the receiving end of these sad, pitiful looks they gave her. She wanted for them to all look at her as a person who was standing on their own two feet, who was finally getting their passion back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jihyo reached over and held her hand, squeezing lightly. “We’re with you every step of the way,” she gave a quick glance to the backseat. “Right, girls?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Chaeyoung and Dahyun immediately perked up and nodded passionately. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Soon they arrived and Nayeon pushed herself into maximum overdrive in walking past the gates, alongside with her friends. In her hands she carried a bouquet of flowers;  lilies, hyacinth, white tulips, and pink carnations. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When she had asked for these specific flowers to be bundled together the florist had given her a weird look because they did not match together or show any unity. But uniform wasn’t what Nayeon wanted. She had looked up the meaning of flowers late into the night and found these were most suiting for what she wanted to say.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Lilies: </span>
  <span>represents the soul of the deceased and its rebirth. (She wanted Jeongyeon to be reborn and live another life full of happiness.)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hyacinths: represents sorrow, regret and forgiveness. It can symbolize gratefulness at things not said or troubling issues unresolved. (She regretted walking out the door and not staying to work things out. There is a long list of words she wished to have told Jeongyeon when she was alive.)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>White tulips: given in a show of respect and worthiness. They also symbolize regret and are a good choice for those who feel the need to apologize. (Nayeon will always feel the need to apologize no matter what.)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Pink carnations: are fragrant and long lasting. A sign of remembrance. (She will never forget all the emotions that Jeongyeon made her feel. She will always remember her, will always have her smile, her laugh, her frown, the warmth of her body, every single thing about her engraved into her mind, body, and soul.)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon fell to the back of the group as they made their way to the gates. Her brain knew where she was and was commanding her body to prolong her walking. Eventually, she just stopped moving as she watched everyone walk past the gates without a single ounce of hesitance. It wasn’t their first time coming here and visiting.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t Nayeon’s first time either but it would be for entering.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As she stood frozen, it was as if the world spun faster than it should have. Her legs wobbled, almost as if she were standing in quicksand and it was weakening her stance. Her breathing sped up. The flowers crinkled within her tight grip.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her friends kept on going and she wanted to call out to them. She wanted to reach out and ask for their help. But her legs refused to move, her voice refused to come out, but her eyes didn’t refuse to cry.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon cried in silence. The dam inside her broke, releasing the emotions she had forced herself to hold in for so long. However, as tears streamed down her cheeks, the last person she expected to notice her absence, especially after yesterday night’s slight confrontation, turned around and rushed back to her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mina held her by the shoulders. “Nayeon, what’s wrong?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She shook her head weakly. “I...I...can’t,” she rasped out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You can’t what?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She gestured toward the gates. “I can’t walk past it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The rest of their friends all casted worried gazes upon them but Mina motioned for them to go on ahead.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘What can I--Is there something I can do?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She didn’t know so Nayeon shrugged.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why don’t we walk together?” she offered, holding a hand out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon switched her eyes back and forth between the hand and Mina’s eyes. “I…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Take my hand, Nayeon.” Mina’s eyes filled with determination. “You don’t have to do this alone.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon sniffled, wiping away the tears that had fallen. Then, with every ounce of her willpower she slid her hand into Mina’s waiting one. It seemed to be all she needed because a sort of semblance of peace blanketed over her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” She nodded firmly. “Let’s go.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Holding Mina’s hand, Nayeon finally made it past the gates.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When they reached their friends, her eyes immediately set upon the headstone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was a fight and flight response that people responded with in situations that amounted to increased stress. You either went head first into it or you ran away. However, there was a third response. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Freezing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon didn’t have either the fight or flight response. She was simply frozen. Not knowing what to do, what to say, what to feel.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nayeonie,” Sana saddled up to her side, linking their arms. “Come say hi.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She kneeled, arranging the flowers in the dedicated spot. She laid a palm on the smooth, cold stone. “Hey,” she smiled wistfully. “I’m finally here...you’re looking rock solid,” she joked, hoping it would lighten the mood. She heard a few chuckles and some groans. “I miss you so much every day...I’m...I’m sorry…” she sighed. “I haven't been very good since you left us,” she glanced back at the group of girls that were more than just friends, they're family. “But I’m working on it…I can’t promise that I wont make any more mistakes because I’m only human, but I don’t want to live another tomorrow full of regret and sorrow... So, I promise to never give up on fighting for my happiness. ” She rose to her feet and turned around to face her friends. “I...I did it…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They all crush her into a group hug. There wasn't anything better than being surrounded by the people who loved you most. Never again was Nayeon letting them go. </span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>They headed back to Nayeon’s apartment. She had informed Jeongyeon beforehand so she would be hiding out in the room so as to not worry Nayeon as much. As Jihyo depicted, all of Jeongyeon’s favorites were ordered and delivered timely. All huddled in the living room, they ate and conversed, talking about old times, talking about recent times, just talking and enjoying their moments together. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll be back,” she told them then headed to her bedroom.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Inside, Jeongyeon was lying on the bed, playing on her phone. “Hey,” Nayeon whispered. “How are you holding up here?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jeongyeon hummed. “It’s nice hearing all the loud chatter and laughter.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” she sat on the edge of the bed. “It doesn’t feel lonely anymore.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How are you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I visited you today.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jeongyeon perked up. “You did?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yup...I said you looked rock solid.” Jeongyeon groaned. Nayeon simpered. “But if it wasn’t for Mina...I probably wouldn’t have.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Now that you mention Mina, are you going to tell her soon?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I...I want to but I don’t know,” Nayeon let her head hang. “Things became a little shaky the night we went to the diner, despite her not avoiding me. Besides, she’s leaving soon. I don’t want to just drop a bomb like this on her.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You need to decide, Nayeon.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s not easy or simple.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s not about it being easy or simple. It’s about the decisions you need to make before it’s too late and you regret it all.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I…” She couldn’t process a response to that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you going to hold on to these feelings and do something about them or are you going to let them go and set Mina free?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“The rational part of me wants to let them go because Mina deserves so much better.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And the irrational part?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon raised her head, looking Jeongyeon in the eyes. “It wants to hold on to her and never let go.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So...what are you going to do?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was a burst of laughter, muffled by the walls.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m…I’m not sure yet but I hope whatever I do...it’s the right thing.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon went back out to the living room. She stopped just before making her reappearance, watching all of them as they interacted with each other. Chaeyoung was in the middle of explaining a meaning behind one of her tattoos to Dahyun and Momo. Tzuyu and Sana were in their own world as the former was showing Sana something on her phone. The calmest out of them were Jihyo and Mina, each of them with their respective drinks, taking casual sips as they conversed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Many people referred to a place as a home but to Nayeon it was the people right in front of her. These girls were home. Nayeon had run away but like the saying goes, there's no place like home. There was nowhere else she’d rather be.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mina lifted her head and caught her eyes. She raised a brow. Nayeon jutted her head to the door, hoping she’d follow. Luckily, Mina excused herself from Jihyo who narrowed her eyes at Nayeon, to which she scurried from.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Outside of the apartment, Nayeon stood awkwardly in silence, hands in her pockets as she waited for Mina to join her. This might not be the right time or right place but if she didn’t do this soon, it'd be too late again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mina stepped out, wrapping her arms around herself. “What’s up?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I want to tell you what I’ve been meaning to.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh? Now?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon nodded. “I want to tell you before my chance is gone.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” Mina leaned against the wall comfortably. “I’m all ears.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want to keep living my life with what if on my lips,” she stated. “I don’t want to miss out on being happy anymore.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Nayeon--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She put her hands up, signaling her to stop. “Let me finish. I want--I need to tell you...how I feel.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mina became puzzled. “How...you feel?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“About you.” This was it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘When I was going to therapy, I asked if it was wrong to love again and she said no, if anything, finding someone to love again was good and I should embrace it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wait...what are you--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon boldly held one of Mina’s hands. Her thumb softly gliding against the back of it. Mina made no movement to get away which was good.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll never stop loving Jeongyeon but that…” She was taking a leap of faith, hoping to execute the landing. “...doesn’t mean I couldn't ever love you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There. She had said it. The truth had rolled out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mina tugged her hand away harshly. “You can’t be serious.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mina,” She began softly. “I...I lo--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No! You don’t get to say that.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mina, I have to.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No,” She shook her head adamantly. “You have no right.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She’d never forget the way Mina’s eyes filled with fear. The fear of being hurt again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So Nayeon backed down. Whatever words she had ready were thrown out, replaced with, “I’m sorry. You’re right, I shouldn’t have--I’m so sorry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re so selfish. You’re still thinking only about yourself.” she spat out. Then much softer, “You haven't changed at all.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The words hit right on the target. How had she not thought of that?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was always about her. Always about what she was going to do with her feelings? Always about how she would heal? Never did she take a moment to think about Mina and how she felt these past years.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon was just as selfish as she was the moment Mina crushed her into a hug that one night.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I'm not asking anything of you. I just…” she trailed off, not knowing what to say anymore as she was afraid of saying something that would worsen the situation.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to leave.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon almost told her that she’d leave instead but how could she when they were at her place. Instead, she silently followed her inside and sat listlessly on the couch as Mina said her goodbyes to their friends. None of them questioned her and let her go. On the other hand, they were quick to bombard Nayeon with questions left and right.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What’d you say to her?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you hurt her feelings again?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you make her mad?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Why’d she look so sad?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon became exasperated as they wouldn’t let her talk. She waited until their investigation ended to speak.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I tried telling her I love her.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Stares. Blinks. Silence.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then, </span>
  <em>
    <span>smack!</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon winced, massaging the back of her head. “What was that for?!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sana, the slapper, huffed. “Because you’re an idiot for screwing up again.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How?!” she whined. “I spent this past week trying to get on her good side and then when I think it’s the right time I decide to tell her my feelings and she didn’t even let me, only shot me down before I could even say it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Not that she was entitled to complain about anything but it was still frustrating to be pushed back down the many steps she'd taken so far.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re seriously such an idiot,” lamented Jihyo, massaging her forehead.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mina was so in love with you and you took it for granted. And you think a week was enough to fix it all?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She knew from the very start that it wasn’t enough time but she had to take this chance. Not knowing when the next one would come. “I couldn’t just stand by idly.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You never thought about keeping in contact with her even after she left? You know, to keep working on your progress and groveling?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon was a damn fool. An absolute ditz. It was a surprise to her she still had working brain cells. Well, after this, probably not too many left. “I…” she sighed, sinking into the couch. “I felt like I was on a time limit and thought I had to do everything now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And now you’re back to square one,” Chaeyoung pointed out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What do I do?” She was hopeless at this point. Desperate for any advice, any words of wisdom, anything that would actually guide her in the right direction because clearly she’s done an awful job of trying to find the right path to follow.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then, like it was the most obvious thing in the world, Dahyun said, “You run after her, duh.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She looked at each of them, wondering if any of them opposed this idea. There were no expressions of opposition.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Is it really the right thing to do?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Simultaneously, they all shouted, “Yes!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So Nayeon grabbed her phone, slipped her shoes on, and ran out the door. As she sprinted down the stairs, forgoing the elevator, she received a text from Jeongyeon: </span>
  <b>
    <em>Make things right. Don't give up.</em>
  </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She received another text from Sana, informing her of Mina’s location. Luckily, she hadn’t gotten far and stopped by the convenience store down the street.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As she stopped in front of the store, she spotted Mina through the windows. She leaned over, hands on her knees as she caught her breath. It wasn’t a far distance but running here, as she was out of shape, did a number on her. She watched Mina pick her things and walk up to the counter. Nayeon hid around the corner, on the side of the store.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As soon as Mina entered her vision, Nayeon pulled her by the arm and embraced her tightly. She felt Mina’s body go rigid but she didn't fight against her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m selfish, I know. I was a bitch to you and didn’t appreciate you like I should have and how you deserved but Mina...I can’t just let you go without telling you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Please, don’t.” There was a tone of desperation in her voice, begging Nayeon to not say anything but she wasn’t going to retreat again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon squeezed tighter. “You’ll never be Jeongyeon,” she said. “But I don’t want you to be, I never wanted you to be her...I want you to be you, Mina, </span>
  <em>
    <span>I want you as you are</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was only after Mina left for Japan that Nayeon realized the growing feelings inside. It was something she carried for the next two years. Never telling another soul about it. What had instilled into her mind was how dare she fall in love so soon after Jeongyeon had passed? She feared that if anyone found out they would berate her, be disappointed in her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She’d even searched it up if it was normal to fall in love while grieving. Every site she found indicated that it was. That she should never feel any guilt or be ashamed for this occurrence as things like this happened. If anything, it dictated that she was lucky to have found someone to bond with during these tough times and that only time would tell if these feelings were genuine or a rebound. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>What Nayeon didn't want was to be judged and receive opposition from everyone around her. This was one of the main reasons she chose to cut ties with Jeongyeon’s family and their friends. She didn't want to even find out their reactions if news of what she and Mina were doing and how she felt ever reached them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But what Nayeon failed to realize was that loving Mina didn't mean she loved Jeongyeon any less. That the days and nights, the meals, the soft touches and gentle kisses, the intimate passion she shared with Mina didn’t replace the ones she shared with Jeongyeon.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Although it felt as if she was, Mina wasn't replacing Jeongyeon in her heart. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mina never rudely barged through the doors of her heart, imposing on the throne of it. Never claimed a spot that was reserved for someone else. Instead, Mina knocked carefully, waited for an answer that never came, and politely took her leave. Only to do it again and again. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mina was trying to get Nayeon to open up to her. To invite her in willingly. Welcome her to a spot of her own. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There were times that Nayeon thought about it. Reveled in the idea letting Mina love her and perhaps returning that love. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The thing was, the throne in Nayeon's heart may never be customized to Mina. It may never be for her to sit down in and reign. Because only one person had the right to it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But it never meant that Nayeon wouldn't ever make another room in her heart just for Mina. Where she can freely walk in and out of. A space that she can sit comfortably without any doubts or fear. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon wondered if it was possible to love two people at the same time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And it was.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>No two relationships would ever be the same. Neither would the love of your new partner be the same as the love from the person you lost.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Otherwise meaning, that Mina would never sit in the spot that was designed for Jeongyeon because then it would mean that Mina was Jeongyeon. And she wasn’t. She never would be. She deserved her own spot.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As she thought about what Jeongyeon had told her, </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘Loving Mina will never mean you love me less.’</span>
  </em>
  <span> the lines that had been blurred before were starting to clear up.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mina, I don’t know when or how it happened but I’d give anything for you to allow me to fight for the chance of happiness, not just yours or mine but ours, together. Because Myoui Mina, I’ve fallen hopelessly in love with you and I’d be the biggest idiot to let you leave again without letting you know.” She paused, preparing herself. Then, “I love you, Mina,” she whispered against her hair. She knew she was heard because Mina stiffened as she said it. “You don’t have to say anything but just know, my love for you is as real as the sun, the moon, and the stars.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Silence enveloped them. Nayeon was surprised and thankful Mina hadn’t pulled away from her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And then, she felt two arms slowly, gently wrap themselves around her waist. Mina was hugging her back. She was reciprocating.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon shushed her softly. “You don’t have to say I. Not like this. Not when I haven’t earned it yet.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She was unsure of what Mina had wanted to say. Whether it was </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘I forgive you.’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>or </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘I love you.’</span>
  </em>
  <span> or anything completely different. Nayeon needed to earn the right to hear it. It required her time and dedication to receive them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Just Mina embracing her like this was enough incentive to not give up ever again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maybe there was still some good in the world.</span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon texted their friends, and Jeongyeon, informing them that they were on their way back. It hadn’t taken much convincing to get Mina to go back with her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We should, um, exchange numbers.” mumbled Nayeon, offering her unlocked phone for Mina to input her number.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I never changed it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They walked slowly. Their steps in unison. There weren’t as many people or cars passing by. The streets were a bit empty. To Nayeon it felt as if it were only she and Mina in the world at the moment.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What, why not?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mina shrugged. “Because.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Because? That’s all?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Because…” she started again, looking up at the sky filled with tons of stars. “I couldn’t help but think about the possibility of you ever calling me. “ she admitted.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>This has Nayeon momentarily stunned. Even after everything Mina still clung on to a thin strand of hope. She wondered whether Mina was stronger than she appeared to be or dumber than she was to hold out on Nayeon even after completely wrecking her heart.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The words; </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘I’m sorry.’</span>
  </em>
  <span> almost slipped out but she had a feeling if she continued spewing them out endlessly they would lose their meaning and Mina would possibly become annoyed or upset at the constant usage. So, Nayeon stayed quiet, deciding to keep her apologies inside and only use them sparingly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When they got back to her apartment, everyone rushed to them, surprisingly without the bombardment of questions. Sana had stepped up to the plate, breaking the silence with, “Did you kiss?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon groaned and face palmed. “Why would you ask that of all questions you could have asked?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“By the way you’re acting I’m gonna take that as a yes.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Everyone’s eyes lit up with excitement. But Nayeon was quick to shut it down. “No! We didn’t…” she felt a warmth settle on her cheeks. “...kiss...oh my gosh, I need a drink.” she mumbled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mina laughed softly. “You act like we’ve never kissed.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Of course, she only added more fuel to the flames. She was surprised that Mina said it so lightly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, whatever, kiss or not, you two are good, right?” asked Jihyo.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon glanced at Mina, silently asking if they were okay. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mina thought for a moment then said, “It’s a work in progress that will definitely take some time...but…” She flashed Nayeon a quick smile. “...I think we will be.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dahyun and Chaeyoung erupted in cheers. Whooping loudly that their unnies were no longer at a standoff. Jihyo patted Nayeon’s shoulder, presumably her congratulations for having come this far. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Can I say one thing?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They all gave Nayeon their attention. She reached for Mina’s hand, barely holding it by the fingers. “I love you all, so much. I don’t know what I would’ve done if you weren’t in my life at all...especially to this day. And...I’m in love with Mina...so I hope you can give me your blessing to keep loving her.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You dimwit,” said Momo. “We wouldn’t have helped you or encouraged you the whole time if we didn’t think you were worthy.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The rest of them nod, agreeing with Momo’s statement. They fall back into their previous engagements.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you,” she whimpered, her emotions overflowing.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They fall back into their previous engagements. Some of them chatting on the couch, others sat around the coffee table filled with snacks. Being all together was what mattered though.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She tugged Mina into the kitchen, where they could be alone for another few moments and asked, “What about you? Do I have your blessing to keep loving you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If I said no, would you stop loving me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, I guess, I’d have to ignore you because...I don’t think I can stop. And I don’t want to stop either.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then,” Mina stepped closer, leaving barely any space between their bodies. Nayeon’s heart began to race. “Keep loving me.” she said, her voice soft. Mina then placed a light peck on her cheek and left her in the kitchen to join their friends.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon touched her cheek. The kiss left there forever imprinted.</span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon paused from picking up the trash left behind to stretch out her back. She really was getting old. It was nearing the early hours, probably an hour away from sunrise. Her friends had taken off a couple of hours ago, not super drunk but not super sober enough. Just the right amount of alcohol intake that she knew they could safely get home.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The last one that had yet to leave was Mina, who offered to help clean up, despite having to pack her things for the flight she had later in the day.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You really didn’t have to.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mina waved her off. “I don’t mind. I’m not sleepy anyway and I know you hate cleaning.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, I don’t. I just like to do it on my own time.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So, never?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon laughed sarcastically. “Ha-Ha. Hilarious.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mina smirked at her before heading into the kitchen with hands full of dirty dishes that she had no idea of how they got dirty when they were using throwaway plates and cups. Nayeon finished picking up the trash and followed Mina into the kitchen.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can wash those,” She tried nudging Mina away from the sink but the girl didn’t budge at all. “Mina,” Nayeon warned lightly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m already doing it, so just let me finish.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Knowing how stubborn she could get, Nayeon relented and backed off. She instead focused on pouring water into her electric kettle. The least she could do was make her tea or coffee. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Coffee or tea?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Coffee, please.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon searched through her cupboards for the instant coffee packets she had just bought. Once she found them, she picked out two mugs too. “Creamer? Sugar? Milk?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Just two packets of sugar.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As Mina washed the dishes, Nayeon fixed themselves the coffee. Two sugars for Mina and a ton of creamer for her own. By the time the coffee was ready, Mina had finished washing the last dish as well. Nayeon handed her a mug.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mina sniffed the coffee lightly. “Hm, smells good.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tastes even better.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They don’t move from the kitchen, simply choosing to lean against the counter and sink, right across from one another. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I still have the scarf and photo you gave me for Christmas,” Nayeon admitted randomly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mina paused from blowing her coffee. “You do?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, but...they’re still in the box because I never felt deserving of them.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How long are you going to feel that way?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon set down her mug. She crossed her arms. “I don’t like feeling this way either but I can’t help it. I just...I think about everything I did to our friends...to you...and I convince myself all over again that I don’t deserve any of you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“...I’m the opposite.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“What?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mina sighed, holding her mug between both hands, peering down in it. “I believed I deserved everything that happened because I fell in love with a person I never should have in the first place. Even moreso when I tried to mold myself into a place that was never mine to begin with.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mina…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Humans aren’t perfect. We’re not meant to be. We can't be because we’re driven by emotions and sometimes those emotions make you do things you shouldn’t.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It wasn't quite what she pictured how the night/morning would go. For them to unpack everything, to dissect it all and interpret the meanings behind words they’ve said, actions they’ve done, the things they wanted to say and do before it all became too twisted or too broken or before it reached its disastrous end.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“So, you’re saying we never should’ve fallen in love with each other?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mina didn’t need to say anything to confirm it because the answer was obvious. A girl who had lost the person that owned her entire heart and another girl that had given her heart to somebody that wasn’t free. Their lines of love never should have crossed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>If Nayeon didn’t know better, she was sure the universe had meant for her to continue loving a person who no longer had a heart beat and for Mina to continue pining over somebody that may never give her the time of the day.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And yet, here they were even after everything.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’re perfectly wrong for each other.” Mina remarked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was tragically romantic if you asked Nayeon. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Silly humans, they always do what they shouldn’t.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, and then wonder why it bites them back in the ass.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They shared a laugh. A nice, warm feeling settled inside Nayeon. To be lightly joking with Mina about a serious topic; she never imagined it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“But,” Mina spoke up after a moment. “I don’t regret doing what I shouldn’t have.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was if the world stopped right after. Nayeon gazed into Mina’s eyes from where she stood and not a single lie was detected. Only an immense fondness swirling in the brown of her eyes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And Nayeon didn’t hesitate to affirm with her own truth. “I don’t regret it either.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then, Mina began drawing closer to her, moving forward like she did earlier when she placed a kiss on her cheek. Nayeon waited in her spot with bated breath, a fluttering heart, and yearning hands to reach out to her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I guess we’re both silly humans who don’t know what’s best for them.” mumbled Mina.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Silly or not,” Nayeon hesitantly closed the distance between their faces further, stopping just centimeters before their lips touched. “I know you’re what’s best for me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They really shouldn’t kiss. It would be dangerous as Nayeon had been holding back to not do anything explicit. However, despite knowing Jeongyeon was in the room only a few feet away, probably having eavesdropped on them, Nayeon didn’t want to hold herself back anymore.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She wanted to kiss Mina. Badly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But she was willing to wait for Mina to make the first move.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“If you’re thinking I’m going to kiss you on the lips,” Mina stepped back. “I’m not. At least, not yet.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon deflated. Disappointed but relieved because she wasn’t sure what would have happened if Mina had kissed her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mina took another sip of her coffee. “I still have the earrings you gave me, too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“When you gave them to me, I think that was the happiest I ever felt. To receive something full of love and genuity from you...it made my Christmas.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Maybe, this Christmas, it can happen again?” Nayeon suggested, biting her lip nervously as she waited for Mina’s response.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mina finished the rest of her coffee then proceeded to wash her mug. Nayeon thought this was her way of saying no and was ready to accept it. She wasn’t in any place to ask for anything or be hopeful for own selfish needs.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, Sana and Momo are getting married this Christmas.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon noted that. “So, that means…?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’ll be spending Christmas together.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She mentally fist pumped with joy. Nayeon was psyched now. She was going to start looking for Christmas gifts right away.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I should get going.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon checked the time on her phone and gasped. “Yeah, you should probably try and get some sleep before your flight.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She walked Mina to the door, watched her slip on her shoes and then sweater. She almost offered to walk her all the way out but knew she would be politely declined.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I guess, I’ll see you when I see?” Mina’s hand lingered on the door knob, making on movement on turning it. “Mina?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Silly humans,” she heard her mutter.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Before Nayeon could question anything, Mina turned around and yanked her by the wrist. In a millisecond, their lips met. Soft, sweet lips kissed hers. The warmth of her lips had transmitted a fuzzy feeling throughout her body. She never wanted it to end.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon cupped her cheeks, their kiss turning firmer with more wanting and desire. It’d been years since she last kissed Mina and she needed to savor it and engrave every second of it in her mind.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When they parted from each other, Mina’s lipgloss lingered on her lips. The heat of the kiss etched into the blazing passion that had ignited inside her. Nayeon’s breathing was heavy as was Mina’s. She could tell the kiss was out of improvisation.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But impromptu kisses were the best most of the time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That was…” Nayeon tried gathering her thoughts. “...unexpected.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mina’s eyes were shut harshly as she rubbed between her eyebrows, most likely trying to make sense of her actions. “I...I’m sorry...that was--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon waved the rest of her sentence away. “No, don’t apologize. It was nice, I should be thanking you for it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Alright, I’ll head out.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Mina?” Nayeon caught her by the arm. “Thank you, for everything. I...I mean it from the bottom of my heart.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Of course.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Keep in touch?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The ends of Mina’s lips curved up as she nodded. “I’ll always answer.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Just for one last hurrah, Nayeon pulled her into a bone crushing hug. Just one last time to feel her warmth. Mina hugged her back as equally tight. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then it was time for her to go but this time Nayeon knew she hadn’t lost her completely. Their situation wasn’t perfect. She wasn’t perfect. They weren’t perfect. But perfection wasn't what she sought.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was happiness. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And Mina was the root of that happiness.</span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jeongyeon was overwhelmingly happy for her. After Mina had left, Nayeon had ran into the room to fill her in on the details. It didn’t feel odd or strange to talk about things like that because after all Jeongyeon had been her best friend first to whom she spazzed about all kinds of things.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The boat that was her life was peacefully flowing along the waters. No storms, no hurricanes, no whirlpools. Serenity was all she could feel. That and extreme elation because Nayeon was finally on the road to brighter days.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yet, there was one last thing she knew was coming. The final mission of this journey. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So, one night, when she came home with the intention of ordering junk food to pig out with Jeongyeon, she found her sitting on the couch. Nayeon’s gut told her that something was about to happen. Something she knew was coming one day.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her stomach churned, filling with nerves. Her heart palpitated, she could practically hear the pounding of her heart. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Wearing the same clothing she had one when she first showed up only made it more obvious of what was about to occur. Jeongyeon looked at her and Nayeon read her face immediately.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sit with me?” Jeongyeon patted the spot next to her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon approached slowly, contemplating running away to avoid the impending situation. Yet, she found herself sitting next to her, asking, “What’s up?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“How are you feeling?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She gave it some thought. Thinking about how her life has finally been upright, how she’s been feeling way less shitty and not as empty as before. These newfound feelings were thanks to her friends but it wouldn’t have had it not been for Jeongyeon.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m okay...I’m doing really well. Why?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ve reconnected with everyone, made your amends, and stopped running away from the past.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, I guess so. It was thanks to all of you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jeongyeon tutted, shaking her head. “You can’t continue thinking like that, Nayeon. Own up to your effort. It’s okay to commend yourself for making things right. I, and the rest of our friends, only gave you the motive to do better but ultimately it’s you that did it.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m working on thinking that way and I know I’ll get there one day.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jeongyeon grabbed her hand, her expression shifting into one full of adoration and fondness. “I knew from the very moment I saw you that you were going to be mine. Not just my best friend but my person. The one I'd love so deeply and in a way that is simply indescribable because its so powerful. My absence has brought you pain and for that I'm sincerely sorry but everything happens the way it does. Just the way we happened, and just the way you and Mina happened. Its all meant to be. And this is not to say I was never meant to be your one but rather I am a chapter in your life that has made you who you are. But, you've stayed stuck on this chapter long enough. Your life is like an unfinished book, you must continue writing it until it is completed. You must embark on the next chapter of your life, flourish it with all kinds of happy and delightful memories. Smile with our friends, laugh with them, meet new people that will bring joy, don't push everyone away anymore, seek comfort and caring words from those that love you. Most of all, don't stop loving Mina like you do. Keep going. Keep watering the love in your heart so it can grow healthy and strong.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t unlike Jeongyeon to spout words of great, unadulterated love. However, the emotion woven into these words seemed much more than that. Nayeon tried to refrain from her own inferences from what Jeongyeon was truly meaning to convey with every word. She couldn't because while her heart bursted with affection, her brain advised her that in a few seconds it may very well be the last time she’d hear such passion filled words.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you trying to make me cry?” She let out a wet chuckle. Nayeon rubbed her eyes, not wanting for the tears to flow out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jeongyeon chuckled too, coaxing her by rubbing her back. “It wasn’t my intention.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Then what’s with the emotional speech?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And then Jeongyeon’s facial expression shifted again. She smiled solemnly. “It’s not just a speech...It’s a good--”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Before she could finish the rest of the word Nayeon acted instantly and put a hand over Jeongyeon’s mouth. She sensed--no, she knew very well where this was headed. It was obvious the very moment she stepped into the apartment and encountered Jeongyeon in this particular clothing, sat in a bubble of seriousness. “Don’t. Please...don’t say anything.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Removing her hand, Jeongyeon pulled her into a hug, encasing her with firm, warm arms. Nayeon sunk into the embrace, soaking it into her heart. “We knew this was coming.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No. You can’t. Not when I just got you back. Not when I’m barely doing okay. Not when…”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Everything was finally setting into its rightful place. Havig Jeongyeon leave would disrupt the equilibrium of her life.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re an amazing person, Nayeon. And I’m sorry for hurting you again.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Jeongyeon,” she croaked, gripping onto the back of her shirt. “Please.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s time for me to go.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The tears she had not wanted to spill earlier found their way out, cascading down her cheekbones and soaking into Jeongyeon’s shirt. She gripped even harder onto Jeongyeon, like a child doing its best to not let go of the string attached to their balloon.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jeongyeon was her balloon that she wasn’t quite ready to set free yet. Then again, no child or adult ever liked letting go of what brought them joy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know what I’ll do if you leave.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mina flashed in her mind. It needn’t be said that Mina would be by her side as she continued healing. Still, as much as Nayeon wanted to let go of the greed of having both Jeongyeon and Mina, it was evident that only one would remain.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’ll be okay, unnie. Don’t you trust me?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Trust was something fragile and hard to gain. Once it was broken, that was it. There would be immense struggle in repairing it. Yet, Nayeon has trusted Jeongyeon since the first time they met and has never been disappointed.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She trusted her when Jeongyeon said they were going to be good friends the day they met (best friends they became).</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She trusted her when she handed her heart into Jeongyeon’s possession who said she’d treasure it and never break it (always gentle and loving she was).</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon trusted Jeongyeon more than anyone in her life. So, as she unwrapped herself from Jeongyeon’s figure, resisting the urge to hold on again, Nayeon nodded adamantly. “I trust you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>If Jeongyeon said she was going to be okay now, Nayeon believed her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The right choice was to let go of her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“My pretty unnie,” Jeongyeon leaned back, proceeding to wipe her tears away with her thumbs. “Thank you for being my best friend, for loving me, for just...being you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ll love you forever. No matter what, you’ll always be here,” She brought Jeongyeon’s hand to lay upon her healing heart. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know but don’t forget. Someone else lives here too.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nayeon nodded, giving a watery smile. “I won’t. I’ll never forget.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Loving two wasn’t always ideal. Then, love itself wasn’t always ideal either. Nayeon may always love Jeongyeon and hold her in a special place in her heart but Nayeon would never let the love she had for Mina be overridden. They were simply two loves she cared for most. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Two loves from different points of her life. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The only difference was one of those loves had the privilege of blossoming further while the other had already reached its full bloom and it was time to let it rest.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’ve gotta go now.” Jeongyeon rose to her feet and headed to the door, Nayeon trailing behind as she held on tight to her hand until the very last second.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As Jeongyeon slipped on her shoes, Nayeon restrained herself from doing anything foolish. Such as dragging Jeongyeon into her room and locking her in there. But Jeongyeon deserved to go with her heart at ease, knowing Nayeon was well and no longer detrimental to herself.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jeongyeon faced her, wearing the adorable crooked grin that always made Nayeon swoon. “Bye, unnie. Be happy now because you have every right to be. Both you and Mina deserve it. So, please, don’t mess up.” she said, her voice light and playful.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I won’t anymore.” Nayeon waved limply. “Bye, Jeongyeon. I promise I’ll be happy now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Thank you. I’m sorry. I love you. Don’t give up.” were the last things Jeongyeon had said to her.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then, she was gone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That was it. Their final goodbye.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The goodbye Nayeon was robbed of and never had the chance to say.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Relief washed over her. The burdens of the past floating off her shoulders, setting her free.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was said that the most painful goodbyes were the ones left unsaid but Nayeon was given the chance to say her goodbye. She would forever wonder why she was chosen to receive this opportunity to set things right that nobody may ever have.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But it would never be taken for granted because with this second chance Nayeon finally learned the real meaning of acceptance and how to move into brighter, happier days.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Im Nayeon hasn’t completely won the fight for her happiness but she certainly hasn't lost it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She wouldn’t stop fighting for it though. Not now, not ever.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>the end.</p><p>lots of thank yous to everyone who read this, it means a lot that you took time out of your day to read my story. and to those who leave comments i truly appreciate them (i dont reply bc i never know what to say and im lowkey awkward sksks)</p><p>im debating on doing an epilogue or not but it depends on my free time because school is back in session and already kicking my ass</p><p>once again, thank you!!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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